July 4, 2011

Our first July 4th without Tash - it was never a big family celebration - BUT, Tash loved fireworks! 

It's not getting easier.  In fact, I would say, with the six-month anniversary of her death coming up on Saturday, it is only getting harder.  I am not sure how or if it ever gets better.  Did I mention her birthday is July 31?  It's the day I promised to meet her - we have never spent her birthday apart.  How do I break this promise?  I broke so many promises to her in life - I do not feel like I can break one in death. 

If you have ever had anyone close to you die, I am sure you have heard someone say: "I am sure he/she would want you to be happy."  BULLSHIT!!!  How would they know?  No one was closer to my daughter than me - and I don't even know what she would want.  If I did, my life would be so much easier - not any less sad, but easier.  But, the truth is, Tash only wanted me to be happy when I was with her...would that change in death?

Tash was a 100 hug-a-day kid.  She could never have enough attention and that never changed - at least, not as it related to me.  If she found out I was out eating dinner, she would call and give me as much guilt as she could for not taking her.  The vacations I took without her were often celebrations of guilt - she couldn't believe I could go places and have fun without her.  I taught high school - and my relationships with kids drove her crazy.  She always took it as a slight to her.

HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW SHE WAS ALWAYS NUMBER ONE IN MY LIFE???  No other person could have ever taken her place - no one will ever take her place.  She woke me up to what life was - what it could be - she opened the doors I had never had the chance to and I was able to see the world and excitement through her eyes.  She was everything that was good about my life.  She really was my sunshine...just like the song says...

As the day gets closer - 27 more days - I have to make a decision.  The questions continue - and they overwhelm and they frustrate - all questions - no answers.  My counselor says it's okay to break this promise - my husband begs me to break this promise - and, I...well, I wait for an answer.  There has to be a RIGHT answer - and, it has to be the answer that I can truly LIVE with.  What would Tash want?  Does she need me?  Does she want me there?  Does she want me here?  AM I living for two now - as I did when I was pregnant?  Is there a purpose?  What ever could my purpose be without Tash here?

From the time I looked into her face for the very first time, I believed my purpose in life was to be Tash's mom.  Without her, I have no idea who I am or what I am supposed to do. I say these words over and over - and, yet, I never feel closer to an answer to that issue.  I AM TASHA'S MOM!  I do not want to be anything else - I don't want to wake up everyday, knowing that I won't see her face, hear her voice.  How can you continue to live - to breathe - to think - when the purpose of your life has been ripped from you?