Sunday, December 20, 2015

THE BIG HOUSE ON ADAMS STREET by Alberta Sparks

Fritz, a child born because of a horrific act, finds himself seeking a different kind of life for himself as an adult, rather than the one that was planned for him.  Leaving Germany on a quest to find family and build a different kind of family, Fritz builds a special house upon arriving in America.  Gathering people from here and there, those often considered "undesirables," a new kind of family does emerge.  The house becomes a kind of utopia - filled with happy people willing to contribute for the good of all.

Although the premise of the book was promising, it was often jumpy and disjointed.  Fritz, the main character in the book, is the only character truly fleshed out. The other characters left the reader with vague impressions and full of questions.  Perhaps, with fewer characters or more chapters, it would have been more of what I was looking for after reading the title. 

It is a good book - a good story - but, perhaps, a good edit or partial rewrite could make it a great book!

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Thursday, November 5, 2015

I am still here....


It's been months since I have published anything personal.  I continue to write daily, but when I read back over what I have written, I often see it as too personal to share - too depressing to share.  But, I am still here.  I am pushing on after a rough couple of months.  But, YES, I am still here!

It's been 199 weeks, 4 days, 19 hours and 53 minutes since my daughter took her last breath.  We are getting close to four years - and, I have said it before - feels like yesterday - feels like 100 years ago -

But, as the holidays get closer, I would just like to encourage those who know a grieving parent to reach out to them...make a phone call...send a card...invite them to lunch...JUST REACH OUT!!!  There is nothing that means more than another human reaching out to you when you are grieving your child.  I have been blessed by incredible friends and family who have never left me alone.  But, then there are those who turned their backs and/or walked away.  It has been amazing to see who has stepped into their places and carried me through some of the worst days of my life.

I know in our society we do not often know how to acknowledge grief - it makes us uncomfortable, as if it might be contagious.  But, the expectation of a grieving parent is low - all it takes is a kind word, a free ear and/or a hug to remind them they are still vital and there is still purpose.  This is especially true of as we often lose our purpose when we lose our children.  I was always Tasha's mom - and a teacher - those are the two things that defined me.  I know I am still Tasha's mom - but, without her here, I realized I had no thought of who else I might be and I am still figuring it out.

SO, as we enter the holiday season, remember the grieving parent - she/he is often wearing a mask with a smile - trying to make others feel comfortable - while screaming with pain on the inside.  Please be patient with us - we are fragile - our wings have been broken.  Make that call - extend that hand of friendship - you will not be sorry, for a grieving parent never forgets the kindness from those who reached out ---

NAMASTE





Friday, October 16, 2015



BATHSHEBA: Bathed in Grace BY Carol Cook



Carol Cook provides new perspective from eight women in the Bible.  Using God’s forgiveness and grace as a central theme, Cook retells the stories of “scandalous” women.  Giving thoughts and motives to their actions, the reader sees the women in a new light.  One example is Eve – Cook, in providing her way of thinking shows Eve as the true innocent she was.  She also provides the story of how the suffering God promised is fulfilled through childbirth to the death of one of her sons.  But, she never gives up on her relationship with God, as it carries her through the settlement outside of Eden through the birth of more sons.  A new dimension is added to the women so many thought of as bad or scandalous.

This book was a good read and a new perspective on stories that I have heard and read most of my life.  I enjoyed this insight to these women.  This would be a great book to introduce to a Bible study.  It is a wonderful addition to the stories that so many have heard and passed judgment on in previous readings.  I really liked it and would love to read more stories like this and share them with those who struggle with the reading of the Bible – to add a personal touch to and ease the reading for many.  I look forward to reading more stories like this in the future – I really enjoyed Carol Cook’s interpretation of the stories of these eight women from the Bible. 


Wednesday, September 16, 2015



NEVER SAID by Carol Lynch Williams

 

Born twins, Sarah and Annie couldn’t be more different.  Annie, the outgoing beauty queen is completely opposite from her sister, Sarah, the anxious young woman who fears everything in her world.  Annie has decided she no longer wants to be recognized for her beauty and has turned away from the life that has always brought her happiness.  She is struggling and trying to find her way on her own.  Sarah, though she seems to be afraid of her own shadow, has the opportunity to save her sister and perhaps, has a chance to reunite her entire family.

Divided into days of a week instead of chapters, the suspense builds as each new day starts.  The story is engaging and one not easily put down, reading the clues and guessing what is going to happen next.  I really connected to the characters, cheering for Sarah with each step forward, groaning inwardly when she has a setback.  As Annie and Sarah move toward strengthening their relationship and reconnecting, it is a step toward the reestablishment of a family, a step we need to see in our society today.  I found the characters pulling me into their world.  I was not only entertained, I was emotionally tugged into this book.  The book is well-written – the characters are well-developed.  It is a book that as a former teacher, I would have been proud to include on my bookshelves in my classroom.


Sunday, August 2, 2015

Grief: A Mama's Unwanted Journey



Grief: A Mama's Unwanted Journey BY Shelley Ramsey



Shelley Ramsey gives a real voice to the grieving mother.  She uses her experience and shares how the death of her son, Joseph Ramsey, took her to the brink and how she worked to return to life.  This is the story of a family recovering after the death of a family member.  It is the story of a grieving mother learning to live again after burying her first-born.  She takes the reader through the trials and tribulations of learning to put a life back together after it has been ripped apart.  She does not preach or lecture, but, simply tells her story, giving hope to other grieving mothers.

As a grieving mother myself, I could relate to Shelley Ramsey’s story.  It is comforting to know that feelings and actions are not yours alone.  To know that others have gone through a loss like your own, have felt the same emotions, gone through the same struggles and come out on the other side is refreshing.  Her story is one that no parent should ever have to tell.  But Ramsey tells it with grace and dignity.  She tells it in such a way that it feels as if she is on the sofa holding your hand, helping you make it through your own struggles.  I wholeheartedly recommend this book to any grieving parent, especially to those just beginning this lifelong grieving that occurs when one loses a child.  Shelley Ramsey’s story is any parent’s nightmare and she provides that helping hand to any parent who follows her.


Friday, June 19, 2015


EYE OF THE STORM: Wheere Is God When Life Hurts? BY Alexander Kumpf



In Eye of the Storm, Alexander Kumpf puts forth the questions so many ask in the midst of a life storm – whether it be hunger, death, divorce, or illness.  In all of these things, the author encourages the reader not to blame God, but, to rely on him and trust Him.  Including stories from his own life, as well as Biblical support, Kumpf easily puts examples to the points he is making throughout the book.  Over and over, he supports his argument that God will never leave you and is never absent during life’s biggest storms. 

This short, easy-to-read book is the perfect one for those in the midst of their own storms and/or struggling with their faith.  For many, it would seem the book is too short or unorganized.  But, for those looking for answers, this is perfect.  There is not a lot of fluff – it is not written in a “preachy” way – it is straightforward and full of support that so many seem to be looking for these days.

There are many books written on this subject, and some may be better written or provide more information, I found this to be perfect for those in the midst of their own struggles.  I bought a couple of copies to carry when I travel, so that I can share with those I come in contact with when moved to do so. 


Monday, June 15, 2015





WHAT KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT by Pete Wilson

Pete Wilson is the senior pastor at Cross Point Church in Nashville, Tennessee.  Pete uses scripture to reassure and reaffirm what God has said.  He does this to encourage the reader to stop trying to figure it all for himself and hand it over to God. Through the revelation of biblical promises, Wilson reminds us that we are not in charge; we must trust God and put our faith in Him that he will handle all the things that are keeping us up at night.

Each chapter ends with a review, follow-up questions and an activity to keep the reader engaged.  This was my favorite part of the book.  I felt it sometimes jumped around, so I found myself jumping to the end of the chapter and reading the questions before I read the chapter.  It would help me focus. 

‘Waiting also helps us learn the vital lesson that just because a dream is delayed doesn’t mean it is denied.” I found this sentence to be the foundation and binding thought of this book.  I came back to it over and over again, writing it down, rereading it before bed, etc.  It is a reminder to take the focus off of myself and my wants and trust God that his will be done – in His time. 

While, at times, I struggled with the structure of the book, I enjoyed the anecdotes and personal stories, which often mirror my own life.  I am not sure I will sleep better at night, but, I am learning to trust and let God – and, I thank Pete Wilson for the reminder and the lessons to help me do so. 


Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Home again....






"In a world of such beauty as birds in flight, surely I can come to feel at home again, even after my loss." ~ Martha Whitmore Hickman

A "home" is where a family lives - it is where people commune to celebrate, to mourn, or simply to just be together.  "Homes" are full of families - like the one I used to have before my daughter died, taking so much of me with her.  But, that is the traditional/accepted meaning of home - I don't think it is the REAL meaning - the one that our hearts use to define home.  In my home, in the homes of others, standing in the middle of the street - for the last three years, it has not mattered where I am - I have struggled to feel at home. 

I have struggled to feel at home again since Tasha died -  it is often like my skin no longer fits my body - but, everyday, I try to make a few alterations to get it closer.  It will never fit like it did before - it is a garment of imperfection.  But, it is mine and in every imperfection, there is a memory of the very special girl I lost. 

We have made the decision to live overseas for a while.  And, it is funny - I feel more at home here than I did in my own home.  Perhaps because it is simpler - there are less reminders.  All in all, there is just less STUFF!  Without trying to, we have been living a very simplified life.  I am no longer surrounded by my things - by a to do list - or by people needing my time.  My brain, for the first time in over three years, is slowing down - I have had fewer nights of insomnia - and, although I have not been as consistent as I would like with my meditations, when I do it, I am finding it easier to focus - easier to clear my mind.

No, it is not perfect and it is not a permanent solution.  But, it is the space I need right now - as I have been at a standstill in the rebuilding of my life.  I have not made any earth-shattering decisions YET - but, I know that I am more ready than I have been to make those decisions.



 
I am learning that "home" is not the house I live - it is not the city, the state or the country.  Home is where I am - it is a state of acceptance.  It is the acceptance of all my flaws and imperfections - it is inside, where I learn to make peace with the past and the decisions I can not change.  Home is in my heart, where my daughter continues to live.  Whether I lay my head on the best pillow in the world or on a park bench, I am learning to be at home with myself.   
 
 
NAMASTE...

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Three years later...

 
Three years after the loss of my daughter, my only child - and the fog has cleared a lot.  That's the good news - the bad news is that, in its absence, it has left room for many other emotions...namely guilt. 
 
 
I fight that feeling a lot.  In my heart, I know that I went above and beyond for my daughter in many ways.  But, when I am weak, my brain attacks, reminding me of all the ways I let her down - the moments I was frustrated with her, the times I didn't meet her expectations, the moments of impatience, flare-ups of temper and that last promise I made to her - that she wasn't going to die.
 
 
I hope she knows that I would have done anything to keep her here - ANYTHING!!!  I gave her life in 1984 - and, again in 1999, when I gave her one of my kidneys - I would have done anything for her to not suffer - to have a better life - just to have a LIFE!!!!




So, as I continue to move forward into the real world -
out of the fog -
 I must listen to my truth -
I must separate my thoughts -
Truth or lies -
As I let go of the guilt, I must more forward...
Now, what will my passion be?
Where do my true vulnerabilities lie?
What will free me completely from the darkness?
-----------
These truths will allow me to step into my own truth -
While honoring and respecting my lifelong grief....
I can also live, creating a life of worth...
Because...no matter who I was...
Who I am...
No matter how my grief has defined me...
I am still me...
AND I do deserve a life worth living!
 
 
NAMASTE....
 


Monday, April 27, 2015



BELLA’S GIFT by Karen & Rick Santorum

Rick and Karen Santorum’s story of their journey with their daughter, Bella, is a story of faith and love.  It’s a love story filled with examples of true love and dedication – to each other, to their family, and to their faith.  When Bella is born with Trisomy 18, Karen, a nurse turned stay-at-home mom, becomes her biggest cheerleader.  Despite doctors’ dire predictions and the fact that 90% of children born with Trisomy 18 do not survive, Karen was determined to keep Bella alive.  Not only does she fight for her life, but, for a life filled with love, happiness, comfort, and purpose.  Rick and Karen provide an honest view of their struggles, as well as their successes.

Bella’s story captures the attention and heart of all who read it.  As she has defied the odds, she has moved into the hearts of many, who continue to hold her up in love and prayer as her journey continues.  Woven through Bella’s story is the story of her parents.  It is admirable that a man serving in the political realm is able to keep god first and family second – Rick does this not only through words, but through his actions.  Karen holds the other children together at home, while supporting her husband and caring for Bella’s day-to-day needs.  Reading the book provides a new respect for  the Santorum family.  It is not often that such a family is brought to the forefront of the consciousness of the public.  It cannot be as easy for a family in the public eye to decide to publish their story for the world while knowing there will be those who judge them harshly for their decisions and criticize them for the choices they have made. 

I loved this book and the Santorum’s story.  I am thankful for the opportunity to see into their lives and am hopeful to carry on with some of the strength they have shown.


Sunday, March 15, 2015

MAKE IT HAPPEN






MAKE IT HAPPEN: Surrender Your Fear and Take the Leap Live on Purpose BY Lara Casey
 

In this book, Lara Casey urges the reader to step out of his comfort zone and to begin living with purpose.  The book is an action plan for taking back one’s life and beginning to really live, not just exist.  It includes questions to get started with – kind of like a workbook and links to motivational tools to help along the way.

This book is so motivating and inspiring.  Lara Casey includes steps of her own journey, including the ones she took backward.  It challenged me – as I read through the questions to answer, I often found myself stumped, finding myself so buried in the “stuff” of everyday life that I realized I was missing out on purposeful living.  Pushing through the activities, setting goals and starting on a plan that is biblically supported is exciting and inspiring, as evidenced by Casey’s own story.

I would definitely recommend this book to others, especially if one is at the point of wondering what’s next.  If one is looking to get out of the rut in which he is living, to step out of the rat race, to move social media to the backseat of life, this book is for you!

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Limitless....

 
 
This grief is so unpredictable.  One of the worse things it does for us bereaved parents is to implant fear.  Sure there are the unanswered questions it leaves - but, for me, the fear is worse.  I used to not be scared.  But, now, I find I am scared of almost everything - people, crowds, decisions, new experiences, traveling, leaving the house, getting up in the morning and, as usual, the list goes on. 
 
 
I discover new fears every day - as always, grief is the "gift" that just keeps on giving. 
 
 
Most days, I am able to push through the fear now.  But, there are still those days where the fear wins - not as often as in the beginning - but, it's still there.  In the beginning, I seldom got out of bed.  I ignored the ringing phone.  I missed appointments - I skipped work.  I was just too afraid. 
 
 
Now, some days, I can see the sun...feel the hope....

 
Before Tash died, I always had insecurities, but, never the time to dwell on them.  I was too busy being Tasha's mom.  Between being "one of those" teachers who was on 24/7 and keeping up with Tash and her illness, I seldom had the time to look in the mirror, let alone contemplate my shortcomings.
 
 
But, now, having lost Tash and left my job, I have nothing but time to contemplate anything and everything - and with a nonstop brain, it is a full-time job.  I question EVERYTHING!  I cannot make a decision to save my life - what shoes will I wear?  What is for dinner?  What is my purpose?  Is the sky really blue?  The question and its importance - or lack of - doesn't matter - I simply struggle to make a decision these days.  I made all the decisions when it came to Tash and her healthcare - and look where that got me. 
 
So, here I am, struggling with the woman in the mirror.  I think I like her - but, she is definitely a work in progress. 
 
Now, that I have time to think, I see ALL my flaws and they are so numerous that they are paralyzing.  But, I know with time and work, I can come to terms with most of these.  Everyday, I work to get closer.  The work is never easy, but is it supposed to be?


 
So, I get up each morning, I make myself a cup of tea, I meditate and do my best to have a productive day.  I have learned not to feel guilty about doing things for myself - for taking care of myself - and, most of the time, I am okay with that.  I miss knowing what my purpose is and I am working to find a purpose now that I am no longer just "Tasha's mom" or a teacher.  I am learning to like my own company - I am learning to say what I think without worrying about the judgment. Much of it is strange and uncomfortable, like it is not my skin I am living in....but, it is forward movement and that is something to be thankful for.
 
I am learning that I am enough....
 
NAMASTE....


 

Friday, February 13, 2015

What thought makes you happy?



Grieving is hard work. And, sometimes to get out of the funk, we have to do something different - something outside of our comfort zone.

So, when you're feeling like this, trying to think of a happy though is hard work.  But, today, I will do it. My one thought that makes me smile about my future today is:

I'm learning to live again and I'm excited to see where I'm going to live and explore.

I miss Tash, but, for today, I'm going to try to focus on my future - not that I love or miss her any less - but, there must be some reason for me still being here.  




Monday, February 9, 2015

Can you change your thoughts?




CAN YOU CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS? 

I wonder about that a lot - especially on my sleepless nights. When I get one of those "thoughts" in my head, I try to tell myself not to think about it - BUT, WHAT HAPPENS????? I can think of nothing else!  

So, in my "free time" over the last few days, I have been reading articles on brain chemistry - particularly on how the brain can be "re-wired." Apparently, a change in thoughts and a practice of doing so can "re-wire" our brains.

No, it won't erase our children from our memories - it won't wipe out our past - it won't make every day bright and perfect.  But, it can help.  It's not easy - in other words, there is WORK to do - but, it can be done - certainly, not overnight... But, with hard work - consistent work - we can work our way back to a life closer to happy that where we are right now.  Our lives will never be what they were - we will never hold our children or hear their voices again.  

However, we can start simply...make one change...make it in to a habit...then build on it....

Maybe we can find a way to not be miserable every morning that we wake up and the nightmare continues.  Maybe, we can find a way to laugh and feel happy and it not just be a mask.  

What if every morning, we just said "thank you" when we wake up and we did it for thirty days?  What if we spoke or wrote down three things we were thankful for every night for thirty days?  Wouldn't it be a start?  And, a start is what we need as we live outside our comfort zones - one day at a time - one foot in front of the other...

I'll go first...Today, I am thankful for....
1 - My husband 
2 - The 27 years I had with Tasha 
3 - The people who love me just the way I am!

Now, what about YOU? 



NAMASTE....,

Monday, February 2, 2015



ANNIVERSARIES ARE HARD...

Tasha died on January 7th - here it is the 18th of January and I am just now starting to feel normal again.  I finally gave into it on Friday - I napped - I slept all night - got up Saturday morning - ate breakfast and went back to bed until 5 in the afternoon - then back to bed to sleep over 9 hours.  Sometimes, it is just easier to give into it for a few days and come back fighting.

Today is the first day since the anniversary that I have felt good.  I woke up this morning renewed & refreshed, ready to take on the day.  Now, it is time to get back to the things that work - meditation, yoga, and taking care of me.

But, back to ANNIVERSARIES....

It is not the actual anniversary that takes the most work to survive.  It is the days leading up to the anniversary.  It's like you know an tornado is coming, but, you can't move.  You know it is on its way  - you know it will wreak havoc on your life - but, you just stand helpless and watch as it gets closer. 



 
Then, when it hits, you just fight to get through it - to hold your balance - to survive.  There is no time to think - to contemplate - you just hold on...that is the day of the anniversary - the birthday - or whatever holiday it is.  You just have to survive it!
 
Then there is the aftermath - the day after - the emotional hangover - the cleanup....It's like you cannot believe you made it through the day - the storm.  And, you are so overwhelmed - so tired - from the build-up that you can barely hold your head up. 
 
BUT YOU MADE IT!!!  You are a survivor!  I am a survivor!  Yes, we are surrounded by debris - the memories - the loss of our hopes and dreams!  But, we have lived through the worst thing that could happen - the death of our child.  And, we are still here.  So, do what you can - one day - one minute - one second at a time!  Keep your eye open for that speck of light at the other end of the tunnel - IT IS THERE!  I promise it is - I have total faith that it is there - I have to!  And, so every day, take one more step toward it. 
 
I am not sure I believe that "everything happens for a reason" - but, I do believe we all have a purpose.  And, though I am not sure of my purpose yet, I know there is one...and, I will keep working to find out what it is.  So, today, while maybe not a good day, it is another day - another opportunity - to strive toward finding that purpose - another opportunity say Tasha's name and to keep her memory alive.  Please don't give up....we have made it this far....
 
 
NAMASTE...

Saturday, January 17, 2015

 
 
Mary Ostyn is a writer, blogger, and an adoption expert.  Using her experience as adoptive parent as a foundation, Ostyn is able to put into words the information that other prospective adoptive parents need.  She provides the real information, not a sugar-coated version.  She presents her points from an adoptive parent’s perspective, but, also steps back and attempts to provide a look at things from the adoptee’s perspective.
I think Ostyn does a fantastic job of putting together so many valuable resources and guidelines.  It provides the prospective adoptive parent – or even one who has already stepped into the role of the adoptive parent – an all-in-one place to go for information.  I really liked the way she alternates her viewpoint from that of the adoptive parent to one of an adoptee.  It was a pleasant surprise to see someone so pro-adoption to take into consideration the feelings an adoptee might have, letting go of the idea that adoption is all butterflies and rainbows. 
 
 


Friday, January 16, 2015

3 years...


Tash -

Two weeks ago marked the third year since you left us.  I think this may be the hardest year yet.  Each year - each passing holiday - each birthday - each anniversary - they all just make your absence more real. 

Tonight, I was supposed to go to a memorial service for the father of one of my students.  I just couldn't do it - instead, I went to bed and slept through it.  I am just not ready for that additional dose of reality. 

When you left, you left behind a disaster.  It's kind of like a town that has been ripped apart by a tornado.  Everything is left barren.  But, there are remnants of the lives that used to be strewn about the town - hanging from trees.  For us, nothing is as it used to be - but, there are memories everywhere of what used to be.  There is a picture here - a favorite thing there - an unexpected memory there - but, they are scattered now - and as each one reappears, it evokes another -

This destruction - well, it covers everything - there is nothing - no area of our lives that your death didn't shroud.  We don't sleep the same - we don't eat the same - nothing seems to be as important any more.  Bills get paid late - who cares?  The house could fall down around us and I am not sure we would even care - hell, we might not even notice. 

The nights - the long nights - the dreams - the bad dreams - the nightmares - the night terrors - they don't even seem to end when I wake up - if I have slept the night before.  The last thing I look at before I close me eyes is your picture - and, it is the first thing I see when I wake up.  But, all those hours in between, I wish I could fill them with you - not just memories and pictures. 

I just spend so much of my time wishing you were here.  Maybe then, I would have answers to my questions.  Maybe I could go back to work - without the guilt and anxiety killing me.  Maybe then, I could walk into a crowd without the cold sweat running down my back - without worrying that I will scream - or fall to the ground without being able to get up.  Maybe, then, I could let go of this urge I have been holding for three years to scream until I cannot make another noise.

The biggest changes have come from within.  I am no longer the woman I was before  - I am not sure who I am without being "Tasha's mom."  I don't know if you would recognize me - my behavior or even believe the thoughts that I have.  I never thought I wanted to change - but, you leaving made me rethink everything I have ever believed.  But, if I hadn't changed, I wouldn't be alive.  I have had to do some hard work - make some drastic changes - all to survive the devastation of being left here without you. 

I am stronger now.  I am less attached to the wrong things and the wrong people.  You taught me how to let go - and, as I have learned more about that, I have learned to let go of so many useless things and people - things and people that did not enrich my life.  (Yes, I am still addicted to my iPhone - not everything has changed!)  I wish you were here to see it all.  You should be here to see me at my best - because of you, I became a better person.  Because you left me, I became an even stronger and empathetic person.

But, I have learned and am still learning that you are still here, just not in the physical form - the one I still so often need and crave.  But you are still here.  I see you in my dreams - I wish it was more often.  I am positive that you are always close - watching over us.  With the signs we receive, I know you are never far.  Though, it is not the way I wish it was and I will crave your presence until my last breath, I am learning to live with what I have and I am thankful for that.

I love you - always have - always will - love you more....

MOM



NAMASTE....

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Good days - bad days...

 
 
Nothing is the same....
 
There are good days - there are bad days...
 
Yesterday was a good one...today, not so much...
 
Sometimes, I think that I pay for every good day with a pretty awful day...
 

But, after all the struggling, all the work, I am finally finding room to breathe...
Even on the bad days, I can find my breath...

I know the best of life has passed me by...
but, there is still much good to be had...

Here's to the tomorrows...

NAMASTE...
 


Monday, January 12, 2015

Three years ago...


It was three years ago today when I last saw your face...three years since I felt your skin and held your cold, lifeless body in my arms. 

Tash, I'm trying so hard to keep going.  Some days, I think I'm making progress.  But, other days, I'm just not so sure. I just keep trying new things - staying so busy - always trying to outrun the grief. But, I know that's not possible - but, it doesn't stop me from trying. 

I still don't understand why you left me - why you didn't fight just a little harder ...a little longer...You said 2012 was going to be your year.  I just don't understand. Your transplant could have come...you were eleven more work days from graduation...it was going to be your year....

And, then like a puff of smoke, it was all gone....in the time it took for your heart to stop, it all ended...your hopes, goals, and dreams...and my life.

I'll try again tomorrow...


NAMASTE...

Sunday, January 11, 2015

 
 
I am a flyer...
a risk-taker...
a chance-taker...
a rebel...
a mover...
a shaker...
a fixer...
a lover...
a seeker...
all because of my loss...
grief has changed everything....


Friday, January 9, 2015


January 7 was Tasha's 3rd Angelversary...

I learned a lot that day - I learned that I have to accept that people are letting go - forgetting - moving on.  Oh, I knew they would - I REALLY did!  But, I was not ready for it, though.  But, now, I know and I have to make some decisions...

- I have to make my peace with the fact that people are moving on.  I'm not sure how I will do that yet - but, I will.  There will probably be a lot of meditation and counseling in my future to make this happen.  After all, isn't that the one constant in life?  It goes on...

- I do NOT have to let go!  I can move forward with my life without letting go.  I can include Tash in my life and I can do so without guilt.  Sure, that might thin the crowd some, but, I am willing to take that chance.

- I cannot be mad at people who forget the date.  How many of my friends have lost family members and I did not do any more than send the perfunctory card?  I did not pay attention to the date and often didn't give it more than a thought or two after I had sent the card - UNTIL I lost Tash! Now, I still send the card - but, I remember the dates - I make the time to check-in - however, I still don't make those phone calls.

- I cannot control the world - only my little corner of it .  And, sometimes, I cannot even control that!  But, it is time to start to relax (My blood pressure demands that!) and to let go of the things I cannot control - and there are many.  I made a list last week - but, that will have to come at a later time, before I get too off-track here. 

So, this year, I will not focus on the 44 people who RSVP'ed for Tasha's balloon release - I will not focus on only the 14 who showed up (although, I love them for their effort and love!).  I will try not to focus on the people who forgot what the day was (with the exception of my sister - she does not get a pass!).  As I read back over that, I realize I have a lot of work ahead of me! 

So, my goal for the year is to love those that remember, treasure them for giving their time, their love and anything else that comes my way.  Holding on to the rest is a waste of everyone's time.  I love Tash - I always will and I know her friends family did, as well.  But, life does go on and I am willing to let them live their lives - I just hope that the time never comes when they don't think of her every once in while - may she dance through their dreams now and then - may they get that feeling of deja vu every now and then and it take them back to a memory of Tash.  Just to hear her name keeps her here...and, if it has to be, I will be glad to be the one singing it from the treetops. 

NAMASTE.....





Monday, January 5, 2015

 
WALK TO BEAUTIFUL:The Power of Love and a Homeless Kid Who Found the Way 
           BY Jimmy Wayne
 
 
 
Country music singer, Jimmy Wayne, emerged from the foster care and juvenile justice system with the strength to follow his dream.  When he found success, he never forgot from where he got his strength.  In 2010, to bring awareness to the foster care system and the lost children who age out of the system, Wayne decided to walk halfway across America.  Along the way, he caught the attention of people who had no idea of this problem in our country.  Today, Jimmy Wayne continues to call attention to the plight of so many young people while following his dream.
Living through Jimmy Wayne’s struggle as he tells his story is heart-breaking.  However, throughout his story, he calls attention to others – some who were also struggling - some who touched his life, allowing him to keep his hope alive. 
Working with young people certainly has kept me on my toes and opened my eyes to the struggles of so many.  But, for others, Wayne puts a face to the struggle, allowing the reader to step away from the stereotypes and see the child who is left to suffer. 
As Wayne makes it through his childhood and begins his transition to Nashville, the reader is cheering for his success.  His story does not allow the reader to sit on the sidelines or to stay uninvolved.  Thanks to Wayne’s message, many young people will receive the help they need and be given the opportunity to follow their own dreams.