Three years later...

 

Three years after the loss of my daughter, my only child - and the fog has cleared a lot.  That's the good news - the bad news is that, in its absence, it has left room for many other emotions...namely guilt. 

 

 

I fight that feeling a lot.  In my heart, I know that I went above and beyond for my daughter in many ways.  But, when I am weak, my brain attacks, reminding me of all the ways I let her down - the moments I was frustrated with her, the times I didn't meet her expectations, the moments of impatience, flare-ups of temper and that last promise I made to her - that she wasn't going to die.

 

 

I hope she knows that I would have done anything to keep her here - ANYTHING!!!  I gave her life in 1984 - and, again in 1999, when I gave her one of my kidneys - I would have done anything for her to not suffer - to have a better life - just to have a LIFE!!!!



So, as I continue to move forward into the real world -

out of the fog -

 I must listen to my truth -

I must separate my thoughts -

Truth or lies -

As I let go of the guilt, I must more forward...

Now, what will my passion be?

Where do my true vulnerabilities lie?

What will free me completely from the darkness?

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These truths will allow me to step into my own truth -

While honoring and respecting my lifelong grief....

I can also live, creating a life of worth...

Because...no matter who I was...

Who I am...

No matter how my grief has defined me...

I am still me...

AND I do deserve a life worth living!

 

 

NAMASTE....