I LOVE THE MEMORIES!!! They are treasures - ones I cannot lose or forget. Whatever it takes, I must remember the good times - I have twenty-seven years of memories - some good - some bad - but, all of them made life worth living!
1984 - Tasha was born! I was only 15! Looking back on it, I cannot believe I had a baby at that age and I cannot believe anyone "let" me have her. Parents say it all the time - but, Tash was truly the best thing that ever happened to. I know children should not be born with a job - but, she saved my life. Had it not been for her, who knows where my life would have gone? It would not have been a good place - I was not living a good life. But, knowing this little baby was going to be watching everything I did - and might even try to imitate me and/or grow up to be like me.....well, that scared the crap out of me. She is the person who made me want to be a better person - someone she could look up to - be proud of - and, maybe even imitate....
Tash was born on a Tuesday at 3:39 in the morning. She was five weeks early and I was scared to death. I guess I should say I was pretty happy she was five weeks early because she weighed 8 lbs. 4 1/2 oz. I have no idea how big she would have been if she had waited five more weeks to make an appearance.
It was the craziest day. I was SUPPOSED to be on bed-rest, but, I cheated that day and shot some baskets while my dad and my ex-husband worked on our car. It had not been running in weeks. They got it all put back together that day and we were hoping they did it right, as we had a 30-40 minute drive to get home - and, remember, there were NO cell phones then. We were nervous going home - my dad had said to call when we got home and if he didn't hear from us in an hour, he would come looking for us.
I started having pains on the way home - but, said NOTHING - I figured I had just done too much - shot too many baskets. And, even though it is TMI - I felt like I really had to pee! But, I wouldn't have said so for anything. I ran upstairs to go pee when I got home - but, I didn't make it - I thought - I was so embarrassed - I hurried and changed clothes so my husband at the time wouldn't know I had an "accident." I went back downstairs to call my dad and as soon as I stepped on the bottom stair, I peed again - felt like a gallon - only then, I realized that I was not peeing my pants - my water had broken!!!
I called my dad, as my ex ran up and down the stairs, freaking out and dropping everything. We lived with his mother at the time, who had a drinking issue. She usually passed out, rather than went to sleep. Well, he was insisting she go to the hospital with us, but, waking her up was no easy task. But, he got her up and on the way out the door, she grabbed her favorite thing - "just one more beer." Of course, with the crazy way we were driving, she ended up wearing half of it.
So, in we go to the hospital, a 15-year-old in labor, a young man more than a little wide-eyed and a grandmother-to-be smelling like a brewery. But, it gets better. By the time we had called my dad, my mom had already taken her meds and he had to wake her up to get to the hospital. In she walks, in her night clothes, weaving like a drunk. What a pair the two grandmothers made! The nursing staff must have been thrilled!
My water had broken around midnight - we got to the hospital around 1 a.m. The doctor's advice: " I don't see much happening tonight - let's plan a cesarean first thing in the morning." My labor started around 2 a.m. My question: "Can I get some meds?" Their answer: "No, it's too early." They said it would stop the labor. Bastards! Well, an hour later, a few minutes after three in the morning I started having the urge to push. The nurses patted me on the head like a little puppy, telling me that wasn't possible, just to try to relax and eat some ice chips. As much as I hate to admit it, I threw a "little" fit. I am telling you, I NEEDED to push! The doctor finally got there and since the tip of Tasha's head was out, he agreed that I was ready to push!
So, they begin wheeling me into delivery when I realize I STILL needs meds! Natural childbirth? NOPE! Not for me! I asked - thinking the pain would soon be over. The answer: "Oh, honey, we are far too into this for that now. You are almost there." OMG - you have to be kidding me! I am a fifteen-year-old kid about to pop a watermelon out of my woo-hoo! And, they are not going to give me drugs?????
Off to delivery....with the baby's father about to have a stroke, my mother tottering like a two-year-old on her meds, my drunk mother-in-law, and my dad, with a grim look on his face! All these people and not ONE camera - one of my many regrets!!!
Thankfully, all but the husband were blocked at the door. We went into delivery at 3:21 a.m. - Tash was born at 3:39 - after two rounds of pushing. I guess I was ready. I was so sad when they laid her on me - I didn't see much cute or endearing - just a bloody screaming thing. But, less than two minutes later, I was in love. I had never - and have never - known anything like this kind of all encompassing love - a love that never wavered - that will never die.
That was the moment I first believed I was somebody and that I had a purpose.
I miss Tash everyday - I miss sharing those stories with her - I miss our past - and our future -
I love you, Tash...
NAMASTE
