I miss everything...

I miss my daughter...I miss my sister and the relationship I thought we were building...I miss my best friend who has made me feel less than important..I miss the easiness of my relationship with my husband...I miss everything about my old life...

Today, I just feel broken...and, I'm going to give into the feeling...just for today...

NEVER EVER GIVE UP...

 

NEVER EVER GIVE UP by Erik Rees

 

 

Jessie Rees brings about a big punch of courage with her little body.  Diagnosed with brain cancer, a kind of brain cancer that does not leave much hope, Jessie is inspired to help others after her diagnosis.  This is the story of a young girl and her dream to help others, reaching out with her JoyJars, while facing her own terminal illness.  Her dad, Erik Rees, tells Jessie's story in such  a beautiful, compelling way that it inspires the rest of the world to get busy giving!

 

When I saw what the book was about, I questioned whether I really wanted to read a book about a child dying of cancer.  My own daughter died just a little over two years ago.  But, in the end, I am so glad I read it.  Jessie's dad told her story with so much grace - his love for Jessie shines through, often reminding me of my own daughter and the trials and tribulations of such an illness. 

 

I am so thankful to have read Jessie's story - to see the difference she made in so many people's lives in her short 10-month journey.  NEGU - Never Ever Give Up comes alive with new meaning as Jessie's story unfolds.  To know how many people have gotten behind the slogan and the foundation as they continue to support kids and families struggling with cancer and keeping Jessie's dream alive is so amazing. 

 

Jessie and her JoyJars are still touching lives.  I am amazed at how many lives Jessie touched and continues to touch, even after her death.  This book is a story of a loss of a young life - however, it is a reminder of the simple things one can do to ease the suffering another.

EVERY DAY IS A REMINDER

 

Tasha -

 

Every day marks another anniversary - another day you are not here.  Every morning, I have to remember all over again that you are not here and the pain of that never dims.  I miss you.  It is that simple.

 

I text you almost everyday.  I don't know when they will reassign your number to someone else.  Won't they be surprised with the daily messages I send to YOU?  I know that you do not get them - I know that you are not there - but, still I send them.  It is kind of a compulsion, I guess.  Two-and-a-half years can feel like forever.  It is your voice I crave - and a hug - and just everything - all the things that will never be.

 

I love you, Tash.  But, you always knew that, right?  Do you still know that?

 

I wish I had just five more minutes with you - just so I could ask you some questions - maybe, receive your "permission" for a few things.  Oh, I know five minutes would not be enough...but, maybe I could make it with a few answers that could be obtained in just five minutes. 

 





 

 

You see, Tash, I think I am ready to start moving forward - not leaving yo behind, but, carrying you with me.  I want to be happy - but, again, I am scared to be happy.  People always say: "Your daughter would want you to be happy."  But, I never know if that is true.  Would you want me to be happy?  Or would you want me to grieve forever? 

 

You were born on July 31, 1984.  You LIVED for over 27 years - and, you died on ONE day, January 7, 2012.  I worry that being being sad, I dishonor the rest of those days you lived.  I give too much importance to the day you died.  But, that is the day that changed my life - the day the walls closed in and I was left utterly and completely alone. 

 

So, I struggle...I never want to dishonor you.  I always want to live in a way that celebrates you and makes you proud.  But, is the way to do that by being happy or grieving?  I really want to be happy again - truly happy - not living with a mask - not faking it - but, really and truly happy.  One of the things I need to do that is your "permission."  I am not sure how to get it or if it's even possible.  But, every time I take a step toward this "happiness," I just feel so guilty.  I never want anyone to think I am "moving on."  Does moving forward mean I am forgetting about you?  NO!  How could I ever forget about you?  You were - and are - my only child - you were the first person I ever knew who was related to me by blood.  You were supposed to be with me - live with me - and one day, you were supposed to plan MY funeral. 

 

But, now, you are gone.  I am 46 years old - I could live 27 years without you - just like I lived 27 years with you.  I am not sure I am willing to do that if every day will be sad.  Does any of this make sense?

 

I don't know.  I just know that I THINK I am ready to move forward - to celebrate the good times - the good memories - to try to let go of some of the bad - to forgive myself for not being able to save you.  I want to try to forgive myself for all the things I should have or could have done as well.  That will be a big accomplishment - maybe too big to actually master - but, I want to try.

 

Is that okay?  I know that other people will judge me - say that I did not grieve long enough - say that I must not have cared if I can be happy - but, I will know that isn't true.  I could not have ever loved you more - that is one thing I will never feel guilty for - my love for you was and is all-encompassing. 

 

SO, what do you think?  Will you forgive me for being happy without you?

 

I love you -

 

MOM

 

 

 

NAMASTE...

TRUTH HURTS...Does it always have to?

As I go through the stages of grief - in repeated circles, I can struggle with truth.  MY TRUTH....it's not a lie - but, a struggle with facing what might be in front of me.  My truth is my perception - and, one's perception is one's reality.  It might not be true for you - or you - or even you - but, for me, it is soo true that it cannot be denied. 

Sometimes, the further I dig into my truth, the more isolated I can become.  That blind isolation that leads me to be alone with my truth can also be scary.  It is when I am isolated that my thoughts and voices can lie to me. 

I say all this to say to anyone reading this: ALWAYS have someone you can trust - a friend, a family member, a therapist - whoever - but, someone you can trust to hear your truth and help you without judgment.  Us bereaved parents cannot always be trusted with our "truth" - sometimes, the emotion of loss overpowers our judgment.  It is then we need that trusted person who can be honest with us - who can love us - especially if our truth becomes untruth when our perception changes. 

We grieve our loss, but to stay locked in a lie - EVEN IF WE THINK IT IS THE TRUTH - is to lie to ourselves.  We will never be like we were - how could we be, when we have gone through such a tragic loss?  But, to live in the cloud of an untruth - that is not a life.  AND, even though we might not find TRUE happiness again, wouldn't it be awful one day to wake up to the truth and realize that we have grieved away a part of our lives that we could have lived? 

So let's seek our truth - move toward the light.  We MUST work toward finding a way to celebrate (or at least, recognize) all the minutes that our children or loved ones lived, instead of placing all our emotions on that moment they died.  WE MUST!!!    We must charge on - "...thro' the jaws of Death" - we must step back "...from the mouth of Hell!"  To do so is not to dishonor our dead, but, to honor the moments they lived...they are so much more than the moment of their last breath...

The Charge of the Light Brigade

...Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honour the charge they made,
Honour the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred.


NAMASTE....

Be with the ones who love you...

Lesson of the day: Let go of the people too terrified to stand by your side while you grieve....

Be with people who want to be with you - the ones who can hold your hand and love you through it. You may lose some friends - you might figure out who your "real" family is.  Even though, you might be sad - even though, some of your days may be full of what-ifs, shouldve's, would've's and couldve's, you are still worthy of love and comfort.  IF I COULD HAVE ONLY FIGURED THIS OUT EARLER IN MY GRIEF, WHAT A DIFFERENCE IT WOULD HAVE MADE!!

It's hurtful and humiliating laying it all out for someone, only to realize later that he/she didn't even really care.  

Why do we continually go after  and chase people who have little interest in being with us or there for us?  Perhaps, it is because we have lost someone and now fear losing someone else - it's too bad we do not realize that these people are already gone - or maybe they were never really there.  We have to stop torturing ourselves.  It is almost as if we are asking for more hurt by continually trying to keep these people in our lives.  

I know that I cannot be the only one who does this - CAN I?  Chasing people who don't want be with me can't be JUST me!  

We all do it - I believe that grief makes us more prone to do it - we forget our own worthiness.  The signs are there -this person's disinterest is so apparent - why do we refuse to see it?  It basically takes getting hit over the head w/something so painful that we have no choice but to run away. 

I work really hard to always place the blame on me - I am too fat, I was "just" a teacher, I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty, and the list goes on. But, the truth is no matter how much weight I lost or if I had a face transplant, it still wouldn't make a difference - some people - especially, it seems the ones I'm most "addicted" to will continue to reject me. How is that possible?!

Well, here is the truth: We will never have to fight to keep the people in our lives who are supposed to be in it. The others will always find an excuse to reject us. We can never be good enough for some people. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that we are not good enough - that we are not ENOUGH!!!

Look in the mirror - search your soul - find your "enough-ness!"  Follow that gut feeling - trust yourself - walk away from the negative - do it NOW! 

There really are so many people who love you - who would love you, if they knew you. By letting these people who do not want to be in our lives go, we make room for those who want a space in our lives. By clearing out the clutter, we make room for new, loving, positive relationships. We might be surprised by who is waiting in the wings - who we have passed over while chasing the negative. 

I don't believe the people who are rejecting us always know that they're doing it. So, like the song says, LET THEM GO!  You are enough - we are enough!  Let's find the people who want to be with us - who love us - let's love them back and relish in the authenticity of some wonderful relationships. 

Namaste....

Transformation...

Still trudging on....

I figured out what loneliness was only after Tash died.  I was never lonely before - even when I was alone, I was always collecting things, stories, experiences to share with Tash the next time I saw her or talked to her.  I loved to make her laugh - hear her giggle.  I loved to see the look on her face when it was a story that was awful or made me mad - at times it was like looking into a mirror.

But, since she left, I have become very familiar with loneliness.  She is my constant companion, at times.  I don't have to be alone to see her sitting across the room - I can be with friends -- family - surrounded by people.  But, there she sits -the Lady Fear - gently - sometimes, not so gently - reminding me of her presence. 

Loneliness - she has a magic way of slowing down the clock at night - the tick-tocking of the clock slows until time almost stops, giving me plenty of time to think - about the past and what I can no longer change - about the future and my fear of being unable to face it.  During the day, I've learned to mostly ignore her - to place my mask carefully over my face before entering the world.  But, those nights...

During the day, if you look closely, you might see the words "lonely" and "afraid" etched into my forehead.  Where lonely fades away, fear walks in.  As the fear takes control, loneliness cheers from the sidelines, watching as friends and family members turn their backs rather than face my fear - or take hold of my hand and help me face it. 

Loneliness and fear - best friends in the arena of grief - they look like everyone else - dressed nice - presentable - the damage they reap is invisible to the naked eye.  It is only the griever who feels their damage....

And, it gets worse as we get closer to rebuilding a life - building a new life.  The stronger we get - the more formidable our opponents.  Loneliness spreads its wings and fear becomes FEAR.  They are here to fool you - to slow your transformation - to make you question every step you are taking. 

BUT, don't let them win - change is painful - grief is unbearable - we have faced the impossible.  When we are afraid and we are lonely, it is so  tempting to let these two overtake us.  But, they are not there to stop us - if we face them, we can conquer them - if we realize what they are,  merely partners in our transformation, we take away their power. 

The friends that have left, the friends who have turned their backs - they didn't leave us - they let their own fear take over.  What feels like punishment just may be a clearing for us - for goodness to come in. 

DO NOT GIVE UP!  Keep moving - keep believing - keep feeling...but, DO NOT GIVE UP!

Face fear - face loneliness - stare them down and keep allowing your life to expand as you move toward transformation.  There is something more out there.  I KNOW it!  I have faced fear and loneliness - some days, I am still facing them.  But, I am transforming - I am finding the new me.  I will always be Tasha's mom - but, I am learning who else I am.  I have some different people in my life now - but, they are REAL relationships - authentic ones - through the fog created by fear and loneliness, the fair-weather friends and family members have been swept away.  I wish them well. 

This is MY journey and I am so thankful for the full life I have - the array of friends and family members - the people who I love so much that I didn't know before Tash died - they are here - a phone call or text away.  There are days when something special shows up in my mailbox - days where I receive an unexpected message - these are sent and left by people who have seen me at my worst, and still hold out their arms to me.  They will not be offended when I am ready to say the word "happy" - they will not  judge me - they will rejoice with me - laugh and smile with me - just as they have sat and cried with me and carried me through the transformation.

NAMASTE...

 

 

THE MAKING OF A MAN: How Men and Boys Honor God and Live With Inegrity by Tim Brown

 

In a professional and personal memoir, Tim Brown carefully displays his weaknesses and strengths in a struggle to not fall into the world’s expectations of today’s famous athletes.    Brown is honest and forthright.  These qualities paint a picture of a “real” man with real struggles.  He works to place God in all of his actions and seeks God to guide his decisions, both on and off the football field.  He takes the reader from a childhood full of dreams to an adulthood full of accomplished dreams, gained through lessons learned and hard work. 

This book should be a must-read for young men of today.  Tim Brown relays his struggles from high school, through college, and on, as he became a Pro Bowl player in the NFL and a family man.  Even though, he worked to include God in his life, he made mistakes and fell into the pitfalls so many do today.  But, he never gave up and he fought through injuries and temptations to align his life with his beliefs.  Using his life as a lesson for others, Brown includes stories of his life in sports as well, giving the reader a reminder of his athletic prowess.  As many young men today are searching for guidance and a role model, Tim Brown has provided a book that can provide that for so many.

 



 RIP Robin Williams

"So sad," people are saying...but, tomorrow, they will have moved on to another new topic and, in a week, few people will be talking about Robin Williams.  But, for me, I look at it differently.

Every time someone commits suicide and I hear about it, it affects me profoundly.  I think Robin Williams was brave - he knew when he had enough - and, instead of suffering any longer, he ended it.  There will be no more sunrises of pain upon awakening - no more smiles pasted on to entertain others, while feeling the pain of depression ripping his insides out.

Oh, what sweet relief!  I imagine that is what he felt once he took flight from this world.  I fight everyday - I often think "How would people react when they hear the words: 'Tonja is dead...?'"  I think about the looks on people's faces - what they would say - how they would react....BUT, those are not the things that keep me here - they are not the things that keep the fight in me going. 

Lack of bravery holds me back...the not knowing what comes next...and, then there is that good old Southern Baptist upbringing...the one that drilled it into my head that I would go to Hell (Is there such a place that is worse than this time on Earth?), be eternally separated from Tash.  My wish to end it all is combined with the desire to see Tasha - to wrap her in my arms again -- to hear her voice - to see her restored in a healthy body.

SN: Do you know how hard it is to hear over and over again that your thoughts are wrong - that you're headed to hell - that if, one day, you are brave enough to end your own pain, you will suffer pain eternally??  There was never a hand up or a breath of understanding - just a reminder of all the pain and the eternal hell...Maybe this is why "church" is so hard for me - I thought it was to help - it only served the purpose of shaming me....

But, Robin Williams - yeah, he was a funny guy.  BUT, look back on YouTube at some of his interviews - watch the look of panic in his eyes when the topic becomes serious - that's not the face he showed to the public.  He was there to make others laugh - he was an entertainer.  But, like so many of us "funny/happy" people, that was his mask.  There were demons behind the facade - demons that haunted his nights, but, were still there upon waking...

I won't be watching his movies for a while - it would be too heart-wrenching and in many ways, it would wake the jealousy in me - fly high, my brave friend - may the peace and contentment you were searching for show up and wrap its arms around you for eternity.

This is just a reminder for me...I am but one breath away from losing my battle daily....

THE MEMORIES....

I LOVE THE MEMORIES!!!  They are treasures - ones I cannot lose or forget.  Whatever it takes, I must remember the good times - I have twenty-seven years of memories - some good - some bad - but, all of them made life worth living!

1984 - Tasha was born!  I was only 15!  Looking back on it, I cannot believe I had a baby at that age and I cannot believe anyone "let" me have her.  Parents say it all the time - but, Tash was truly the best thing that ever happened to.  I know children should not be born with a job - but, she saved my life.  Had it not been for her, who knows where my life would have gone?  It would not have been a good place - I was not living a good life.  But, knowing this little baby was going to be watching everything I did - and might even try to imitate me and/or grow up to be like me.....well, that scared the crap out of me.  She is the person who made me want to be a better person - someone she could look up to - be proud of - and, maybe even imitate....

Tash was born on a Tuesday at 3:39 in the morning.  She was five weeks early and I was scared to death.  I guess I should say I was pretty happy she was five weeks early because she weighed 8 lbs. 4 1/2 oz.  I have no idea how big she would have been if she had waited five more weeks to make an appearance. 

It was the craziest day.  I was SUPPOSED to be on bed-rest, but, I cheated that day and shot some baskets while my dad and my ex-husband worked on our car.  It had not been running in weeks.  They got it all put back together that day and we were hoping they did it right, as we had a 30-40 minute drive to get home - and, remember, there were NO cell phones then.  We were nervous going home - my dad had said to call when we got home and if he didn't hear from us in an hour, he would come looking for us. 

I started having pains on the way home - but, said NOTHING - I figured I had just done too much - shot too many baskets.  And, even though it is TMI - I felt like I really had to pee!  But, I wouldn't have said so for anything.  I ran upstairs to go pee when I got home - but, I didn't make it - I thought - I was so embarrassed - I hurried and changed clothes so my husband at the time wouldn't know I had an "accident."  I went back downstairs to call my dad and as soon as I stepped on the bottom stair, I peed again - felt like a gallon - only then, I realized that I was not peeing my pants - my water had broken!!! 

I called my dad, as my ex ran up and down the stairs, freaking out and dropping everything.  We lived with his mother at the time, who had a drinking issue.  She usually passed out, rather than went to sleep.  Well, he was insisting she go to the hospital with us, but, waking her up was no easy task.  But, he got her up and on the way out the door, she grabbed her favorite thing - "just one more beer."  Of course, with the crazy way we were driving, she ended up wearing half of it.

So, in we go to the hospital, a 15-year-old in labor, a young man more than a little wide-eyed and a grandmother-to-be smelling like a brewery.  But, it gets better.  By the time we had called my dad, my mom had already taken her meds and he had to wake her up to get to the hospital.  In she walks, in her night clothes, weaving like a drunk.  What a pair the two grandmothers made!  The nursing staff must have been thrilled!

My water had broken around midnight - we got to the hospital around 1 a.m.  The doctor's advice: " I don't see much happening tonight - let's plan a cesarean first thing in the morning."  My labor started around 2 a.m.  My question: "Can I get some meds?"  Their answer: "No, it's too early."  They said it would stop the labor.  Bastards!  Well, an hour later, a few minutes after three in the morning I started having the urge to push.  The nurses patted me on the head like a little puppy, telling me that wasn't possible, just to try to relax and eat some ice chips.  As much as I hate to admit it, I threw a "little" fit.  I am telling you, I NEEDED to push!  The doctor finally got there and since the tip of Tasha's head was out, he agreed that I was ready to push!

So, they begin wheeling me into delivery when I realize I STILL needs meds!  Natural childbirth?  NOPE!  Not for me!  I asked - thinking the pain would soon be over.  The answer: "Oh, honey, we are far too into this for that now.  You are almost there."  OMG - you have to be kidding me!  I am a fifteen-year-old kid about to pop a watermelon out of my woo-hoo! And, they are not going to give me drugs?????

Off to delivery....with the baby's father about to have a stroke, my mother tottering like a two-year-old on her meds, my drunk mother-in-law, and my dad, with a grim look on his face!  All these people and not ONE camera - one of my many regrets!!!

Thankfully, all but the husband were blocked at the door.  We went into delivery at 3:21 a.m. - Tash was born at 3:39 - after two rounds of pushing.  I guess I was ready.  I was so sad when they laid her on me - I didn't see much cute or endearing - just a bloody screaming thing. But, less than two minutes later, I was in love.  I had never - and have never - known anything like this kind of all encompassing love - a love that never wavered - that will never die.

That was the moment I first believed I was somebody and that I had a purpose.

I miss Tash everyday - I miss sharing those stories with her - I miss our past - and our future -

I love you, Tash...

NAMASTE

YOU ARE SO LOVED...

This is a lesson I need to learn to remember.  I sometimes feel so alone - so unloved - and, I wonder, does everyone feel this way at times? 

After Tash died, I questioned everything in life.  In the beginning, after your child dies, your house is full, cards come very day and the phone rings nonstop.  But, eventually, the quiet engulfs you.

Oh, if you're lucky enough, it takes a long time or you keep those faithful friends and family members, who never forget you.  But, when the ones you expect to be by your side forever leave, it's so painful that it feels like another death.  It brings up all kinds of questions and brings up all the doubts that have tickled your mind since the initial loss.  What did I do wrong?  What's wrong with me?  Why doesn't he/she care?  How could he/she leave me when I need her/him the most?

But, the truth is - IT IS NOT YOU - it was not me.  It reveals their character, not yours. 

So, look around you - look at the people who have stayed - the silent, but loyal ones - and love them and let their love be enough for you.

I told someone to focus on their fans and not on their haters this week.  Look around for those who love you and love them back - and LET THEM LOVE YOU!  WE ARE ALL WORTHY OF LOVE!  Yes, YOU, too!!! 

NAMASTE

No one tells you what grief is really like...

I am learning what grief is
We spend a lot of time together, grief and I
I have learned his secrets and his weaknesses
He has learned mine

If parents knew the truth of grief
they would never let their children go
But, here's a few things that people never tell you
They are the griever's secrets.

Grief isn't just in the mind - it affects the body, too
The aches and pains that have never been
they are there now, too.
Hair loss, loss or increase of appetite -
all "benefits of grief."

There are so many new things to learn -
Should I smile?
Should I cry?
What do people expect?

Well, expect to become an actor or actress
You'll love to give the people what they want
We don't want to infect others with this terrible disease
That's what we are to them - a virus to avoid

There are so many things I could tell you - but, today is a good day - so, for now, I will focus on that.

These are the secrets that grief doesn't want YOU to know:

You will have good days
You will laugh again - and, it won't hurt
You will be able to look at pictures and smile at the memories

It's not easy - these things take time
You will still cry -
at the sound of the song - the word "mom" -
the lost time with those you love.

But, you will laugh - you will smile
the pain will dull - but, it will never leave
It's the price of a love so deeply felt
And, we do love our children.

You will notice the beauty in a sunset
dance to the beat of a forgotten song
feel your heart open to the love of another
You will smile again

Love yourself as your loved one loved you
Let yourself grieve - but, let yourself live
We are living life for two now
We are owe it to ourselves and to our loved ones
to experience all the things they missed.

The most important things to remember -
You ARE stronger than you think...
You CAN do this...
You ARE loved....
NAMASTE

Goodnight, Tash - I love you - I am now and forever will be your mom - it is the most blessed thing I have ever been. 



 

HEAVEN IS FOR REAL by Todd Burpo

 

IS HEAVEN FOR REAL?  Colton’s story, written by his father, Todd, answers many questions asked by people throughout the years.  During a health crisis, Colton slowly unravels a story for his parents of what happened while everyone assumed he was fighting for his life.  While unconscious, he has an out-of-body experience that defies logic – but, aligns to the spiritual realm.  He sees Jesus – God – family members he had never met – leaving everyone wondering: can this be true?

 

I had read the book before, but, I came to it with new eyes this time.  In January of 2012, my only daughter passed away.  Colton’s story gives me hope – hope that all I have believed in is real – hope that I will see my daughter again.  As Colton’s story slowly unfolds, his parents are amazed – just as readers will be amazed by this young man’s story. 

 

This update includes photos from the movie set, updates from father, Todd, and son, Colton, on recent events including the making-of-the-movie experience, and “From the Set” Q&A’s with the movie’s filmmakers and actors.  Even if you have read the book, a reread is a MUST before seeing the movie!  Never has there been such an inspiring story that affirms all we believe in!

 

 

 

HAPPIEST LIFE: Seven Gifts, Seven Givers & The Secret to Genuine Happiness BY Hugh Hewitt

 

 

Hugh Hewitt's presentation of the seven gifts and givers takes one's eyes off the materialism that is so prevalent in today's society.  The REAL gifts are not shoes and electronics, they are encouragement, energy, enthusiasm, empathy, good humor, graciousness, and gratitude.  These are gifts that cost nothing, but, are priceless to the receiver. 

 

The givers - the spouse, the parent, family members, friends, the coworker, teachers, and the church - these are the people to turn to when in need of the above gifts.  These people provide the foundation of our happiness.  It is not without effort that we build a life of happiness - but, the destination is definitely worth the journey.

 

The first two-thirds of this book were spell-binding and chock full of information that so many need these days.  The last third of the book seems more anecdotal than informational.  However, the information is still great, providing living examples of a life well-lived, giving God, the most generous giver, the credit. 

 

Throughout the book, Hewitt gently guides the reader in the direction of finding and being his/her best self.  It is through letting go of self and embracing the needs of others that one's true purpose is found.  With the discovery of purpose and the ability to sympathize and empathize - two totally different things - happiness often floats in. 

 

Hewitt provides great direction and motivation to his readers to really dig deep and follow-through to finding the path to living their "happiest life."

Great advice...

"Because I'm so honest, it's hard for me to pretend everything's fine when it's not. As a kid, I wish I'd been allowed to think it was okay to admit things were not fine. I think it's unfair to grow up thinking that when your gut is saying things don't seem like they're fine, you think, 'Well, I'm wrong and I can't trust my feelings because the only feelings I'm allowed to have are really happy feelings.'  That's just not okay."

---Ellen DeGeneres

I could have written those words and applied them to my life. I'm learning now to embrace my gut feelings and trust my thoughts. It's never too late...still learning...

Today was a successful day in keeping guilt at bay...

If you're in the midst of grief, I urge you to find one thing TODAY that you can do for someone else.  It doesn't have to be big - you don't have to talk to them.  Smile at someone.  Find another grieving parent and send them a note or a card.  Drop some flowers off at the local assisted living facility.  OR DO IT BIG!!!  Just for one moment, step out of yourself...don't be scared...your grief will still be there when you get back.  You can still wrap yourself in it.

But, just doing this one small thing may give you a glimmer of light at the end of the long tunnel of grief.  It's been just a little over twenty-five months for me - I still have a long way to go.  But, oh those glimmers!!! I have such high hope for those glimmers.

My life will never be the same - how could it, without my only child - the love of my life - by my side?  I have never been an adult without her until January 7, 2012.  I have no idea who I am without her.  But, I am trying to figure it out - I am learning who I am.  Being Tasha's mom was my greatest accomplishment - nothing will ever detract from that.  But, now without her, I must FIGHT to find my way to my true self.  Who am I without Tash?

I wish I could answer that question for you now.  But, I am not there yet.  Stick with me - I will stick with you - we can do this together!  I know Tasha fought to live and for that reason alone, I have to fight to do the same thing.

Namaste...

www.facebook.com/TashasGiftInc

THE WALL AROUND YOUR HEART by Mary DeMuth

I had high hopes when I received this book. My "wall" had been the topic of my thoughts and conversations lately. While not answering all my questions, it certainly addressed many of my issues. DeMuth writes in a way that is thought-provoking, as well as encouraging. 

Drawing from her own trauma-filled past, she acknowledges the building blocks of her wall, allowing her to connect with her readers on a deep and personal level. Including her own faults and failures makes this more than a preachy, how-to-be-perfect-like-me self-help book.  It humanizes her.  She makes it okay to move backwards in the process of moving forward.  Sharing her strategy of prayer for deconstructing the wall is helpful, but, going as far as to share some of her personal prayers is even better.  It's as if she is taking her readers by the hand and working with them to help them deconstruct their own walls.

Through life's challenges and often painful times, it is easy to build the wall, as so many do.  Putting up the wall of safety and isolation is the easy part. Re-emerging as the wall is taken down proves more difficult.  Have a real-life example, as well as the biblical examples included by DeMuth, will provide guidance for those attempting to take down the wall around their hearts and re-engage with life and society to discover a world of love and hope.  

Beating the guilt...

110 Weeks....

I can't believe it's been that long....Yet, in many ways, it still feels like yesterday.

How many times have I said those words?

My posts seem to get farther in between, but, the truth is - I am still writing - just not much is publishable - who wants to read a bunch of whining and self-pity?

The last few weeks have been full - I have been on some wonderful trips - I have spent time with family - I have lost friends who broke my trust (& my heart) - but, most importantly, I have been working on ME!

When your child dies, you grieve - but, so much of the time, the grief is accompanied by guilt.  Guilt is sneaky - it sneaks up behind you and drops a black net over your head - a net from which there is no escape.  I have decided to work in an attempt to beat guilt at its own game.  I have been reading - researching - watching - talking...it has been the number one subject in counseling.

I have mentioned before that I worked really hard to parent in such a way that there would be no guilt if something happened.  Always knowing in my heart that I would outlive Tash, this was important to me.  But, once she died, I could think of hundreds of things to be guilty for - I could see every mistake clearly - every slight was suddenly a boulder of guilt for me to carry.

But, as time goes on and I work on this, I know that guilt does not serve me or my grief.  Guilt takes away from Tash's life - it puts the focus on her death - the day of her death - and, lets all the wonderful times and memories be forgotten while I focus on myself and my guilt. 

Iyanla Vanzant say that guilt is a wasted emotion.  I agree with that - maybe it can be a barometer in some situations, but, for a grieving parent, in MOST cases, it really does not have a place.  What do we have to feel guilty for?  Wouldn't we have done ANYTHING we could have done to save our children?  Wouldn't we have given our lives for theirs?  How can we feel guilty for that?

Sure, there are parents who have made mistakes -- who have caused their child's death.  But, that is the minority. 

For the rest of us, we must work to celebrate our children's lives - my child lived  10,026 days - LIVED!!!! - she only died on one of those days!  How can I let that day be the determiner for my future, when she fought so hard to live the other 10, 025 days?????

It's a process - if you are a grieving parent, be kind to yourself - life has been hard enough...I salute you for trying to live another day...for walking this walk with me...for trying to find your purpose without your child....they still deserve us fighting for them....Namaste

American Idol....a premiere....a reminder

 

I am kind of sad tonight, so I am trying to focus on good memories.  American Idol, as weird as it sounds, is a trigger for me, I guess.  Tash LOVED American Idol.  The only shows she liked more was Doctor Who and Big Brother.  Whatever she watched, she was ALL in!

We watched - we judged - we made predictions.  There was no one who Tash loved more than Clay Aiken.  OMG - she was in love with him  When she found out he was gay, she was devastated - she always called him her husband.  But gay or not, she loved his music and continued to love him, even if she did have to give up on the idea of marrying him.  I cannot tell you how many times we went to see him in concert.  We saw him with the American Idol tour, on his own, with Kelly Clarkson, doing his Christmas show, and, last time with Ruben Studdard. 

I've uploaded all of her Clay Aiken CDs onto my iPod.  I liked him before - but,  now when I hear him sing, I imagine I can hear Tasha singing along.  Every time we saw him, I heard her sing as much as I heard him. 

As the sign instructed, Tash always sang as though no one could hear her.  Secret is - it wasn't always pretty.  We had a joke that her high notes could make my eyes hurt until they were almost bleeding (not too much of a joke sometimes - they could be painful!)  But, it never stopped her.  She loved music - and she loved to sing.  She had thousands of songs on her ipod.  She collected a lot of things - but, music was her biggest collection.  There isn't a genre of music around that's not included in her collection.  That is one of the reasons she liked Idol so much.

I just miss her....

Advice for the Grieving....

How many times are we given advice about how to grieve???  I am here to tell you that there is NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE!!!!  I am sure you have figured that out. If you're anything like me, though, sometimes you question yourself after receiving some of that well-meaning advice. 

I've been doing some volunteering with hospice and I think I learn so much being there. I've learned there are so many ways to grieve and so many ways to show love. After Tasha died, my sister-in-law made my bed every day while she was here. It seems like such a small thing - but, it was huge to me - and, it was such a loving thing to do. It's those little things that carry us. I wish I could have learned this without losing my daughter. I feel better about a lot of things since I have been volunteering there. If I could give you any advice, it would be to step out of yourself and your grief for one day - volunteer some where, read to a child, drive for Meals on Wheels, sit w/an elderly neighbor, mentor a high school student - ANYTHING!!!!  Start small - one hour every couple of weeks!  I promise it will make a difference. I know Hospice isn't for everyone - but, it's been a wonderful experience for me. It gives me the opportunity to focus on someone else's needs and that is a blessing! 

Never doubt where help can come from - be open!!!! My dog is having problems and will not be with us much longer. Unlike the sudden loss of Tasha, I have time to prepare to lose Jake. I am reading books about animal loss and the grief that accompanies it. (I'm a reader - an information collector - after Tash died, I read every book I could get my hands on!    Not much of it helped, but just like when Tash was sick, being informed helped me cope.) I think I have learned more about grief from the books on animals than I ever did in any of the other books I have read. Soooo, BE OPEN - you never know where you will find something to ease your pain. 

Today was another good day - no tears - thoughts of good memories filled my mind when I thought of Tash. As I spend time w/Jake, I'm reminded of all the good times Tash had with her animals through the years - how much she loved them. I'm thankful for this day - for those memories. I'm thankful for the twenty-seven years I had with Tash - I am thankful for all the laughs we shared. I'm thankful that I was blessed with her!!! 

NAMASTE

A day of peace -

Today has been a day of peace.  They come more often now.  It doesn't mean I didn't think about Tash - it doesn't mean I did not have sad moments.  It just means that the peaceful moments outweighed the sad, tense ones.  It took a long time to reach this point, and, I know that this is not a permanent destination.  Tomorrow, grief can show up and knock my feet out from underneath me.  But, I am learning to appreciate the good days and to acknowledge them - and, to realize that I deserve them.

I do not think that there is harder job in the world than being a grieving mother.  We are constantly on edge - still thinking about the comfort of others more than on our own need to grieve.  Then, we can become bitter because we don't feel like we are allowed to grieve.  It's not our nature to speak up - to say what we need - but, perhaps, it is time that we step out of our comfort zone and start telling our friends and loved ones what we need.  Sure, sometimes, we will be denied - but, I think, at other times, people will be relieved to help us.  They don't know what to do.  I truly believe that many want nothing more than to help us - they just don't know what to do.

How many times have we heard the words: "Call if you need anything" - "Let me know if your need anything" -  ad nauseum.  Do these people have any idea that we are TOTALLY INCAPABLE of picking up a phone to ask for help???  The truth is that they don't - I have started telling people this.  Now, they text me - call, sometimes - and, it is so much better to have been honest, instead of being angry that people don't know.  NOW, they do!

ANYWAY, back to my day.  I have to celebrate these days.  It took me a long time to realize I did deserve good days.  I may not have been the most perfect mother - but, I was a pretty good one - and, no matter what my mistakes were, I didn't cause my daughter's death.  I have to take some of the blame off of my shoulders if I am to survive this tragedy.  And, truly, my dream is to do more than survive - I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN!  I have done some hard work over the last two years.  I may not have all the answers I need yet - but, I am closer - and, days like today make me realize that I am no longer in a place where I am waiting to die - I want to  live.  I want to create a bucket list and live - do the things my daughter didn't get to do - spread her name through foreign countries - hear strangers speak her name.  As long as her memory is alive, I believe her purpose lives on.

Tomorrow is a new day and, I hope for another good day.  But, if it is not, I will, at least, have today to look back on - to remind there are better days - and, I am thankful for that knowledge.

NAMASTE....

Two years....

Dear, Tash -

Well, it’s been two years.  I cannot believe I live in a world where you are not.  It feels like an eternity since I have heard your voice and held your hand.  I always knew you would leave before me – but, I never knew it would be so soon.  I wish I had gone first – my life is so empty without you.  I think about you constantly.  Whenever I see something or hear something new or funny, I instantly think of you, wishing I could share it with you.  I wanted to post something on the two-year “anniversary” – but, my mind has been stuck – I stare at the blinking cursor and wait.  It is not like no words come – the words and thoughts come too fast to sort. 

I miss you.  That goes without saying.  I miss you and love you more than I know how to put into words.  I hope you are happy – that heaven is everything I imagine and more.  I picture you restored to health with a body that no longer hurts – that no longer needs dialysis or a new kidney.  You left so quickly – we didn’t have a chance to say good-bye.  I still worry so much that you were alone when you died.  Were you afraid?  Did you call for me?  I guess I will never know the answers to those questions.  But, they still haunt me many nights.

I often relive the night before you died – the few minutes we had together.  I look at your pictures from that night – I wonder if you knew.  I get mad at myself for not asking you to stay – to go with us – I wonder what might have been different.  If I could have just one more minute, some answers to my questions, maybe then, I could begin to find peace without you.  But, so far, here I sit, with more questions than answers. 

I have done everything I can to find answers.  I meditate – I pray – I read – I listen – but, still, I wonder.  What if everything I believed in is not true?  But, I cannot bear that thought – how could anything be worth doing if it is not true?  I look to everything for a purpose for my life without you.  Like all answers I am seeking, it seems elusive.  But, still I search.  All my life, I have been assured there is a purpose for everything and everyone – now, I can only wonder if that is true.  I can find no purpose for your death – for your life of suffering – NONE!

But, still I search….

I remember that night after Roger called us with such clarity.  Even when the phone rang and I saw it was Roger, I begin to panic and ran to get dressed as I answered the phone.  I think that maybe I knew this because earlier that afternoon, I awoke from a nap to coughing, like someone choking.  When I jumped out of bed, to check on the dogs, I found it wasn’t them – but, I felt scared because it felt so real.  I couldn’t go back to sleep – I just felt like something was off.  So, when Roger called, it all started to come together, and, I knew from the time he spoke that you were gone.  Your dad didn’t believe it – but, I knew.  He didn’t believe it until he saw you.  I remember the officers and everyone there.  The kindest one was an officer with the last name Moffatt – I know now that was not a coincidence.  I remember everything – sometimes, I wish I didn’t.  Other parents talk about the fog and not remembering “that night” – what their child looked like – but, me, I remember EVERYTHING!  Most days I am thankful for my good memory – my knack for the details of the past.

We always had a deep connection – our hearts formed a link and bound together in a way that was impossible for anyone else to come between.  Sure there were times the bonds were tried – bent – but, they always bounced back.  I sometimes still feel that connection and hope it is true – and, not just my mind playing crazy tricks on me.  It must be true that death does not end a relationship – a love – like ours.  I wish I could be content with that – that it was enough.

Since you have died, I have found so many things – odd things – are they signs? -  I hope they are all really from you.  It is one of the things that keep me going.  Someone told me this week that I just to have to have faith – to stop letting my intelligence look for rational answers that may not exist.  You know me, Tash.  I am full of questions – that “have faith” thing is not so easy for me.  If it was, your teenage years would have been much easier for you every time you told me to just trust you!  But, again, I am trying.

You know it won’t be long before we lose Jake here.   I hope and pray that when he leaves our arms, he enters yours.  No one loved Jake more than you.  From the first day we saw him at the SPCA, from the first moment, you wanted him and nothing we could say would dissuade you.  Of course, you were right – he was the best dog – he still is.  I know you will take good care of him until we see each other again, and, I know he will be happy to see you – and to shed his body that is giving him so much pain.

I hope that you see what we are trying to do with YOUR foundation and I hope you are pleased by what you see.  I have met so many grieving parents since you died, and, so many of them are grieving the child they wished they had – or only the good characteristics of the child they lost – so many fail to grieve the whole person.  I work hard on not doing that.  I understand what they are doing, trying to give their child something that feels worthwhile – some kind of big “wave” in the river of life.  I would much rather mourn ALL of you – the good and the bad – and, enjoy the ripples of good that continue to spread in that river.  That is one of the reasons we decided to start the foundation – to continue the ripple-effect, if you will.  These scholarships will give others a chance they might not have had, sure – that is the unselfish reason for awarding them.  But, the selfish reason is that it allows us to keep your name and your memory alive.  It gives us another reason to hear others speak your name – others who never had a chance to know you and see your courage – and, the smile that lit up the world.  I wish I could ask your opinion.  We are going to try to do more – want to do things that really mean something – which you would have liked.  Sometimes, I really wonder if we are going the right direction – I just have to trust that we are (remember what I said about that trust and blind faith thing!) – and that you would be proud.

While I’m writing, I keep thinking about being angry.  I know that’s not fair – but, sometimes, that’s how I feel.  Not angry – not mad – but, FUCKING PISSED OFF!  You often thought you were alone – that people didn’t care.  Did you see all the people at your visitation – at your funeral????  Do you have any idea how many people contact me – show up to your balloon releases – and tell me how much you meant to them?  How you made a difference in their lives?  If you had known that then, would you have fought harder?  Would it have made a difference?  Sometimes, I look at these people and get angry, as well, wondering where they were when you were needing them.  Did they wait too long?  I don’t know – according to all the “experts” on grief, the anger is normal – but, it is the most difficult emotion I feel.  I am just not sure who to be mad at – or what good it will do me.  Anger, in this situation, is a wasted emotion.  No amount of anger will bring you back or help me feel closer to you.  So, most days, I try to focus on the love…

I love you – I have always loved – I will always love you.  Nothing will change that – not even your death.  I know I cannot see you any more or hear your voice.  But, I talk to you every day, and, as I meditate, I listen for your answers.  Sometimes, I hear them – not always.  But, I always listen.  I am still waiting for answers, knowing they may not come until my own death.  There have been days – many of them – in which I considered making that sooner than later.  I am still here, though.  I wish I just had one more minute – like a game of twenty questions – where I could get the answers I feel like I need to go on and live my life without you.  I hope that through finding some purpose that many of those questions will answer themselves.  I never thought I could live without – I surprise myself with everything that I do which takes me out of my comfort zone.  But, I never love you less – I never miss you less – There is never anything that will fill the hole you have left in our lives.

I love you forever – I love you for always – as long as I am living, your mommy I will be….