Mary Ostyn is a writer, blogger, and an adoption expert.  Using her experience as adoptive parent as a foundation, Ostyn is able to put into words the information that other prospective adoptive parents need.  She provides the real information, not a sugar-coated version.  She presents her points from an adoptive parent’s perspective, but, also steps back and attempts to provide a look at things from the adoptee’s perspective.

I think Ostyn does a fantastic job of putting together so many valuable resources and guidelines.  It provides the prospective adoptive parent – or even one who has already stepped into the role of the adoptive parent – an all-in-one place to go for information.  I really liked the way she alternates her viewpoint from that of the adoptive parent to one of an adoptee.  It was a pleasant surprise to see someone so pro-adoption to take into consideration the feelings an adoptee might have, letting go of the idea that adoption is all butterflies and rainbows. 

 

 



3 years...

Tash -

Two weeks ago marked the third year since you left us.  I think this may be the hardest year yet.  Each year - each passing holiday - each birthday - each anniversary - they all just make your absence more real. 

Tonight, I was supposed to go to a memorial service for the father of one of my students.  I just couldn't do it - instead, I went to bed and slept through it.  I am just not ready for that additional dose of reality. 

When you left, you left behind a disaster.  It's kind of like a town that has been ripped apart by a tornado.  Everything is left barren.  But, there are remnants of the lives that used to be strewn about the town - hanging from trees.  For us, nothing is as it used to be - but, there are memories everywhere of what used to be.  There is a picture here - a favorite thing there - an unexpected memory there - but, they are scattered now - and as each one reappears, it evokes another -

This destruction - well, it covers everything - there is nothing - no area of our lives that your death didn't shroud.  We don't sleep the same - we don't eat the same - nothing seems to be as important any more.  Bills get paid late - who cares?  The house could fall down around us and I am not sure we would even care - hell, we might not even notice. 

The nights - the long nights - the dreams - the bad dreams - the nightmares - the night terrors - they don't even seem to end when I wake up - if I have slept the night before.  The last thing I look at before I close me eyes is your picture - and, it is the first thing I see when I wake up.  But, all those hours in between, I wish I could fill them with you - not just memories and pictures. 

I just spend so much of my time wishing you were here.  Maybe then, I would have answers to my questions.  Maybe I could go back to work - without the guilt and anxiety killing me.  Maybe then, I could walk into a crowd without the cold sweat running down my back - without worrying that I will scream - or fall to the ground without being able to get up.  Maybe, then, I could let go of this urge I have been holding for three years to scream until I cannot make another noise.

The biggest changes have come from within.  I am no longer the woman I was before  - I am not sure who I am without being "Tasha's mom."  I don't know if you would recognize me - my behavior or even believe the thoughts that I have.  I never thought I wanted to change - but, you leaving made me rethink everything I have ever believed.  But, if I hadn't changed, I wouldn't be alive.  I have had to do some hard work - make some drastic changes - all to survive the devastation of being left here without you. 

I am stronger now.  I am less attached to the wrong things and the wrong people.  You taught me how to let go - and, as I have learned more about that, I have learned to let go of so many useless things and people - things and people that did not enrich my life.  (Yes, I am still addicted to my iPhone - not everything has changed!)  I wish you were here to see it all.  You should be here to see me at my best - because of you, I became a better person.  Because you left me, I became an even stronger and empathetic person.

But, I have learned and am still learning that you are still here, just not in the physical form - the one I still so often need and crave.  But you are still here.  I see you in my dreams - I wish it was more often.  I am positive that you are always close - watching over us.  With the signs we receive, I know you are never far.  Though, it is not the way I wish it was and I will crave your presence until my last breath, I am learning to live with what I have and I am thankful for that.

I love you - always have - always will - love you more....

MOM



NAMASTE....

Good days - bad days...

 

 

Nothing is the same....

 

There are good days - there are bad days...

 

Yesterday was a good one...today, not so much...

 

Sometimes, I think that I pay for every good day with a pretty awful day...

 



But, after all the struggling, all the work, I am finally finding room to breathe...
Even on the bad days, I can find my breath...

I know the best of life has passed me by...
but, there is still much good to be had...

Here's to the tomorrows...

NAMASTE...

 

Three years ago...

It was three years ago today when I last saw your face...three years since I felt your skin and held your cold, lifeless body in my arms. 

Tash, I'm trying so hard to keep going.  Some days, I think I'm making progress.  But, other days, I'm just not so sure. I just keep trying new things - staying so busy - always trying to outrun the grief. But, I know that's not possible - but, it doesn't stop me from trying. 

I still don't understand why you left me - why you didn't fight just a little harder ...a little longer...You said 2012 was going to be your year.  I just don't understand. Your transplant could have come...you were eleven more work days from graduation...it was going to be your year....

And, then like a puff of smoke, it was all gone....in the time it took for your heart to stop, it all ended...your hopes, goals, and dreams...and my life.

I'll try again tomorrow...

NAMASTE...

 

 

I am a flyer...

a risk-taker...

a chance-taker...

a rebel...

a mover...

a shaker...

a fixer...

a lover...

a seeker...

all because of my loss...

grief has changed everything....



January 7 was Tasha's 3rd Angelversary...

I learned a lot that day - I learned that I have to accept that people are letting go - forgetting - moving on.  Oh, I knew they would - I REALLY did!  But, I was not ready for it, though.  But, now, I know and I have to make some decisions...

- I have to make my peace with the fact that people are moving on.  I'm not sure how I will do that yet - but, I will.  There will probably be a lot of meditation and counseling in my future to make this happen.  After all, isn't that the one constant in life?  It goes on...

- I do NOT have to let go!  I can move forward with my life without letting go.  I can include Tash in my life and I can do so without guilt.  Sure, that might thin the crowd some, but, I am willing to take that chance.

- I cannot be mad at people who forget the date.  How many of my friends have lost family members and I did not do any more than send the perfunctory card?  I did not pay attention to the date and often didn't give it more than a thought or two after I had sent the card - UNTIL I lost Tash! Now, I still send the card - but, I remember the dates - I make the time to check-in - however, I still don't make those phone calls.

- I cannot control the world - only my little corner of it .  And, sometimes, I cannot even control that!  But, it is time to start to relax (My blood pressure demands that!) and to let go of the things I cannot control - and there are many.  I made a list last week - but, that will have to come at a later time, before I get too off-track here. 

So, this year, I will not focus on the 44 people who RSVP'ed for Tasha's balloon release - I will not focus on only the 14 who showed up (although, I love them for their effort and love!).  I will try not to focus on the people who forgot what the day was (with the exception of my sister - she does not get a pass!).  As I read back over that, I realize I have a lot of work ahead of me! 

So, my goal for the year is to love those that remember, treasure them for giving their time, their love and anything else that comes my way.  Holding on to the rest is a waste of everyone's time.  I love Tash - I always will and I know her friends family did, as well.  But, life does go on and I am willing to let them live their lives - I just hope that the time never comes when they don't think of her every once in while - may she dance through their dreams now and then - may they get that feeling of deja vu every now and then and it take them back to a memory of Tash.  Just to hear her name keeps her here...and, if it has to be, I will be glad to be the one singing it from the treetops. 

NAMASTE.....

 

WALK TO BEAUTIFUL:The Power of Love and a Homeless Kid Who Found the Way 

           BY Jimmy Wayne

 

 

 

Country music singer, Jimmy Wayne, emerged from the foster care and juvenile justice system with the strength to follow his dream.  When he found success, he never forgot from where he got his strength.  In 2010, to bring awareness to the foster care system and the lost children who age out of the system, Wayne decided to walk halfway across America.  Along the way, he caught the attention of people who had no idea of this problem in our country.  Today, Jimmy Wayne continues to call attention to the plight of so many young people while following his dream.

Living through Jimmy Wayne’s struggle as he tells his story is heart-breaking.  However, throughout his story, he calls attention to others – some who were also struggling - some who touched his life, allowing him to keep his hope alive. 

Working with young people certainly has kept me on my toes and opened my eyes to the struggles of so many.  But, for others, Wayne puts a face to the struggle, allowing the reader to step away from the stereotypes and see the child who is left to suffer. 

As Wayne makes it through his childhood and begins his transition to Nashville, the reader is cheering for his success.  His story does not allow the reader to sit on the sidelines or to stay uninvolved.  Thanks to Wayne’s message, many young people will receive the help they need and be given the opportunity to follow their own dreams.