EVERY DAY IS A REMINDER

 

Tasha -

 

Every day marks another anniversary - another day you are not here.  Every morning, I have to remember all over again that you are not here and the pain of that never dims.  I miss you.  It is that simple.

 

I text you almost everyday.  I don't know when they will reassign your number to someone else.  Won't they be surprised with the daily messages I send to YOU?  I know that you do not get them - I know that you are not there - but, still I send them.  It is kind of a compulsion, I guess.  Two-and-a-half years can feel like forever.  It is your voice I crave - and a hug - and just everything - all the things that will never be.

 

I love you, Tash.  But, you always knew that, right?  Do you still know that?

 

I wish I had just five more minutes with you - just so I could ask you some questions - maybe, receive your "permission" for a few things.  Oh, I know five minutes would not be enough...but, maybe I could make it with a few answers that could be obtained in just five minutes. 

 





 

 

You see, Tash, I think I am ready to start moving forward - not leaving yo behind, but, carrying you with me.  I want to be happy - but, again, I am scared to be happy.  People always say: "Your daughter would want you to be happy."  But, I never know if that is true.  Would you want me to be happy?  Or would you want me to grieve forever? 

 

You were born on July 31, 1984.  You LIVED for over 27 years - and, you died on ONE day, January 7, 2012.  I worry that being being sad, I dishonor the rest of those days you lived.  I give too much importance to the day you died.  But, that is the day that changed my life - the day the walls closed in and I was left utterly and completely alone. 

 

So, I struggle...I never want to dishonor you.  I always want to live in a way that celebrates you and makes you proud.  But, is the way to do that by being happy or grieving?  I really want to be happy again - truly happy - not living with a mask - not faking it - but, really and truly happy.  One of the things I need to do that is your "permission."  I am not sure how to get it or if it's even possible.  But, every time I take a step toward this "happiness," I just feel so guilty.  I never want anyone to think I am "moving on."  Does moving forward mean I am forgetting about you?  NO!  How could I ever forget about you?  You were - and are - my only child - you were the first person I ever knew who was related to me by blood.  You were supposed to be with me - live with me - and one day, you were supposed to plan MY funeral. 

 

But, now, you are gone.  I am 46 years old - I could live 27 years without you - just like I lived 27 years with you.  I am not sure I am willing to do that if every day will be sad.  Does any of this make sense?

 

I don't know.  I just know that I THINK I am ready to move forward - to celebrate the good times - the good memories - to try to let go of some of the bad - to forgive myself for not being able to save you.  I want to try to forgive myself for all the things I should have or could have done as well.  That will be a big accomplishment - maybe too big to actually master - but, I want to try.

 

Is that okay?  I know that other people will judge me - say that I did not grieve long enough - say that I must not have cared if I can be happy - but, I will know that isn't true.  I could not have ever loved you more - that is one thing I will never feel guilty for - my love for you was and is all-encompassing. 

 

SO, what do you think?  Will you forgive me for being happy without you?

 

I love you -

 

MOM

 

 

 

NAMASTE...

TRUTH HURTS...Does it always have to?

As I go through the stages of grief - in repeated circles, I can struggle with truth.  MY TRUTH....it's not a lie - but, a struggle with facing what might be in front of me.  My truth is my perception - and, one's perception is one's reality.  It might not be true for you - or you - or even you - but, for me, it is soo true that it cannot be denied. 

Sometimes, the further I dig into my truth, the more isolated I can become.  That blind isolation that leads me to be alone with my truth can also be scary.  It is when I am isolated that my thoughts and voices can lie to me. 

I say all this to say to anyone reading this: ALWAYS have someone you can trust - a friend, a family member, a therapist - whoever - but, someone you can trust to hear your truth and help you without judgment.  Us bereaved parents cannot always be trusted with our "truth" - sometimes, the emotion of loss overpowers our judgment.  It is then we need that trusted person who can be honest with us - who can love us - especially if our truth becomes untruth when our perception changes. 

We grieve our loss, but to stay locked in a lie - EVEN IF WE THINK IT IS THE TRUTH - is to lie to ourselves.  We will never be like we were - how could we be, when we have gone through such a tragic loss?  But, to live in the cloud of an untruth - that is not a life.  AND, even though we might not find TRUE happiness again, wouldn't it be awful one day to wake up to the truth and realize that we have grieved away a part of our lives that we could have lived? 

So let's seek our truth - move toward the light.  We MUST work toward finding a way to celebrate (or at least, recognize) all the minutes that our children or loved ones lived, instead of placing all our emotions on that moment they died.  WE MUST!!!    We must charge on - "...thro' the jaws of Death" - we must step back "...from the mouth of Hell!"  To do so is not to dishonor our dead, but, to honor the moments they lived...they are so much more than the moment of their last breath...

The Charge of the Light Brigade

...Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honour the charge they made,
Honour the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred.


NAMASTE....

Be with the ones who love you...

Lesson of the day: Let go of the people too terrified to stand by your side while you grieve....

Be with people who want to be with you - the ones who can hold your hand and love you through it. You may lose some friends - you might figure out who your "real" family is.  Even though, you might be sad - even though, some of your days may be full of what-ifs, shouldve's, would've's and couldve's, you are still worthy of love and comfort.  IF I COULD HAVE ONLY FIGURED THIS OUT EARLER IN MY GRIEF, WHAT A DIFFERENCE IT WOULD HAVE MADE!!

It's hurtful and humiliating laying it all out for someone, only to realize later that he/she didn't even really care.  

Why do we continually go after  and chase people who have little interest in being with us or there for us?  Perhaps, it is because we have lost someone and now fear losing someone else - it's too bad we do not realize that these people are already gone - or maybe they were never really there.  We have to stop torturing ourselves.  It is almost as if we are asking for more hurt by continually trying to keep these people in our lives.  

I know that I cannot be the only one who does this - CAN I?  Chasing people who don't want be with me can't be JUST me!  

We all do it - I believe that grief makes us more prone to do it - we forget our own worthiness.  The signs are there -this person's disinterest is so apparent - why do we refuse to see it?  It basically takes getting hit over the head w/something so painful that we have no choice but to run away. 

I work really hard to always place the blame on me - I am too fat, I was "just" a teacher, I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty, and the list goes on. But, the truth is no matter how much weight I lost or if I had a face transplant, it still wouldn't make a difference - some people - especially, it seems the ones I'm most "addicted" to will continue to reject me. How is that possible?!

Well, here is the truth: We will never have to fight to keep the people in our lives who are supposed to be in it. The others will always find an excuse to reject us. We can never be good enough for some people. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that we are not good enough - that we are not ENOUGH!!!

Look in the mirror - search your soul - find your "enough-ness!"  Follow that gut feeling - trust yourself - walk away from the negative - do it NOW! 

There really are so many people who love you - who would love you, if they knew you. By letting these people who do not want to be in our lives go, we make room for those who want a space in our lives. By clearing out the clutter, we make room for new, loving, positive relationships. We might be surprised by who is waiting in the wings - who we have passed over while chasing the negative. 

I don't believe the people who are rejecting us always know that they're doing it. So, like the song says, LET THEM GO!  You are enough - we are enough!  Let's find the people who want to be with us - who love us - let's love them back and relish in the authenticity of some wonderful relationships. 

Namaste....

Transformation...

Still trudging on....

I figured out what loneliness was only after Tash died.  I was never lonely before - even when I was alone, I was always collecting things, stories, experiences to share with Tash the next time I saw her or talked to her.  I loved to make her laugh - hear her giggle.  I loved to see the look on her face when it was a story that was awful or made me mad - at times it was like looking into a mirror.

But, since she left, I have become very familiar with loneliness.  She is my constant companion, at times.  I don't have to be alone to see her sitting across the room - I can be with friends -- family - surrounded by people.  But, there she sits -the Lady Fear - gently - sometimes, not so gently - reminding me of her presence. 

Loneliness - she has a magic way of slowing down the clock at night - the tick-tocking of the clock slows until time almost stops, giving me plenty of time to think - about the past and what I can no longer change - about the future and my fear of being unable to face it.  During the day, I've learned to mostly ignore her - to place my mask carefully over my face before entering the world.  But, those nights...

During the day, if you look closely, you might see the words "lonely" and "afraid" etched into my forehead.  Where lonely fades away, fear walks in.  As the fear takes control, loneliness cheers from the sidelines, watching as friends and family members turn their backs rather than face my fear - or take hold of my hand and help me face it. 

Loneliness and fear - best friends in the arena of grief - they look like everyone else - dressed nice - presentable - the damage they reap is invisible to the naked eye.  It is only the griever who feels their damage....

And, it gets worse as we get closer to rebuilding a life - building a new life.  The stronger we get - the more formidable our opponents.  Loneliness spreads its wings and fear becomes FEAR.  They are here to fool you - to slow your transformation - to make you question every step you are taking. 

BUT, don't let them win - change is painful - grief is unbearable - we have faced the impossible.  When we are afraid and we are lonely, it is so  tempting to let these two overtake us.  But, they are not there to stop us - if we face them, we can conquer them - if we realize what they are,  merely partners in our transformation, we take away their power. 

The friends that have left, the friends who have turned their backs - they didn't leave us - they let their own fear take over.  What feels like punishment just may be a clearing for us - for goodness to come in. 

DO NOT GIVE UP!  Keep moving - keep believing - keep feeling...but, DO NOT GIVE UP!

Face fear - face loneliness - stare them down and keep allowing your life to expand as you move toward transformation.  There is something more out there.  I KNOW it!  I have faced fear and loneliness - some days, I am still facing them.  But, I am transforming - I am finding the new me.  I will always be Tasha's mom - but, I am learning who else I am.  I have some different people in my life now - but, they are REAL relationships - authentic ones - through the fog created by fear and loneliness, the fair-weather friends and family members have been swept away.  I wish them well. 

This is MY journey and I am so thankful for the full life I have - the array of friends and family members - the people who I love so much that I didn't know before Tash died - they are here - a phone call or text away.  There are days when something special shows up in my mailbox - days where I receive an unexpected message - these are sent and left by people who have seen me at my worst, and still hold out their arms to me.  They will not be offended when I am ready to say the word "happy" - they will not  judge me - they will rejoice with me - laugh and smile with me - just as they have sat and cried with me and carried me through the transformation.

NAMASTE...