Tasha -
Every day marks another anniversary - another day you are not here. Every morning, I have to remember all over again that you are not here and the pain of that never dims. I miss you. It is that simple.
I text you almost everyday. I don't know when they will reassign your number to someone else. Won't they be surprised with the daily messages I send to YOU? I know that you do not get them - I know that you are not there - but, still I send them. It is kind of a compulsion, I guess. Two-and-a-half years can feel like forever. It is your voice I crave - and a hug - and just everything - all the things that will never be.
I love you, Tash. But, you always knew that, right? Do you still know that?
I wish I had just five more minutes with you - just so I could ask you some questions - maybe, receive your "permission" for a few things. Oh, I know five minutes would not be enough...but, maybe I could make it with a few answers that could be obtained in just five minutes.
You see, Tash, I think I am ready to start moving forward - not leaving yo behind, but, carrying you with me. I want to be happy - but, again, I am scared to be happy. People always say: "Your daughter would want you to be happy." But, I never know if that is true. Would you want me to be happy? Or would you want me to grieve forever?
You were born on July 31, 1984. You LIVED for over 27 years - and, you died on ONE day, January 7, 2012. I worry that being being sad, I dishonor the rest of those days you lived. I give too much importance to the day you died. But, that is the day that changed my life - the day the walls closed in and I was left utterly and completely alone.
So, I struggle...I never want to dishonor you. I always want to live in a way that celebrates you and makes you proud. But, is the way to do that by being happy or grieving? I really want to be happy again - truly happy - not living with a mask - not faking it - but, really and truly happy. One of the things I need to do that is your "permission." I am not sure how to get it or if it's even possible. But, every time I take a step toward this "happiness," I just feel so guilty. I never want anyone to think I am "moving on." Does moving forward mean I am forgetting about you? NO! How could I ever forget about you? You were - and are - my only child - you were the first person I ever knew who was related to me by blood. You were supposed to be with me - live with me - and one day, you were supposed to plan MY funeral.
But, now, you are gone. I am 46 years old - I could live 27 years without you - just like I lived 27 years with you. I am not sure I am willing to do that if every day will be sad. Does any of this make sense?
I don't know. I just know that I THINK I am ready to move forward - to celebrate the good times - the good memories - to try to let go of some of the bad - to forgive myself for not being able to save you. I want to try to forgive myself for all the things I should have or could have done as well. That will be a big accomplishment - maybe too big to actually master - but, I want to try.
Is that okay? I know that other people will judge me - say that I did not grieve long enough - say that I must not have cared if I can be happy - but, I will know that isn't true. I could not have ever loved you more - that is one thing I will never feel guilty for - my love for you was and is all-encompassing.
SO, what do you think? Will you forgive me for being happy without you?
I love you -
MOM
NAMASTE...
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