SO, we made it through Thanksgiving....

I cannot say it was good - because it wasn't.
I cannot say it was bad   - because it wasn't.
It just was...

It's funny - I have never felt like I had a close (or caring) family - not until Tash died.  But, I could not be more grateful for them this year.  They have come together - they have been super supportive - they have been what I always wanted - a family.

Maybe, it was livable because it was in a different place -there were different faces around the table.  Mainly, I believe I made it through because I just kind of convinced myself Tash wasn't gone - she was merely "away."  I know that is not a good thing - but, it made the day bearable.  We lit a candle in her memory.

I was only disappointed in myself about one thing.  I was too worried about what everyone else was thinking.  We had bought a candle and had the holder etched in memory of Tash.  We took it to the lake.  I had also took a picture of Tash from "her" table.  But, I never brought it inside the house - I was too afraid it would make everyone too uncomfortable.  Is that stupid?  I don't know.  Later, I had the horrible feeling of guilt - like I was ashamed of Tash.  But, that was not it.  I am just not sure enough of myself, I guess.  I don't want to make others feel bad.  I go around with a smile on my face for the same reason.

Oh, how I wish there was something to help me - to lead me - to tell me what I am SUPPOSED to do. 

I guess now I start preparing for Christmas - but, I don't want to - I still don't understand how this can be real - can this really be my life?

THANKSGIVING

 

Tomorrow is our first Thanksgiving without her - I am not sure what to say - how to act - what I am SUPPOSED to do. 

 

Tash loved Thanksgiving - family, green bean casserole, celery & cream cheese, and pumpkin pie.  She loved to play board games, watch movies, watch football, and listen to the stories of our family.  She was loud - she was boisterous - she was seldom without a smile - she was my daughter.

 

I had Tash when I was 15. I finished my childhood with her - I never lived as an adult without her.  I am trying to learn how - there are many days I don't want to know how.  This is one of those days....

 

I never thought this day would get here - it's a dreaded day.  When I started writing tonight, I was thinking I had prepared pretty well - I was optimistic - I had kept myself busy - spent time with my family and friends this week - and, even though, I was sad, I felt prepared to face the day.  Since then, the drama has started, plans have started to fall apart, and the disappointments have begun - and, I don't know that I can deal with it.  My initial plan was to stay in bed - under the covers - and give a big middle finger to the holiday.  Right now, I am so sorry I changed my plans.  I don't even know what to say - what to do - how to react.  It's begun - and, it's worse than I thought it would be.

 

I read that the anticipation was actually worse than the holiday.  I disagree - there's an equality to the suckage.  I just want Tash back - I want to hear her voice - feel the dry skin of her hands - feel her lips on my cheek - run my fingers through her hair - hear her giggle.....I guess I just want everything I cannot have.  I don't want turkey...pumpkin pie...family stories...football...I only want what I cannot have.



THANKSGIVING...

I cannot believe that next week is Thanksgiving.  It doesn't see possible that I haven't heard her voice since January - haven't hugged her - haven't touched her.  But, then again, it feels like yesterday.  Last week, I was listening to advice from other bereaved parents about the holidays.  The one thing that they kept saying over and over was: DO NOT PRETEND YOUR WAY THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS.

I hadn't even realized that was an option.  But, after thinking about it, I figured out that was exactly what my plan was to get through the hard days ahead.  I was not doing it consciously, but, I was still doing it. SO, now, that I realize it, it is a new kind of hurt. 

I have made a list that I will use to get me through the holidays - it will not be easy.  It will make it so much more real that she is never coming back - that's what these holidays will do.  I will do my best to get through them and remember her.  I will find a way to honor her memory and keep her name alive in the minds of others.

- I have bought a candle and will burn it at family get-togethers - it is beautiful, like Tash and etched with a special saying and her name.
- I will adopt a couple of children for Christmas and give them gifts in Tasha's name.  (She will still be making a difference.)
- I am making a lot of gifts this year and my Christmas cards - to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied.
- I am going to take 20 minutes for myself every day.
- Most importantly, I will work VERY hard to keep my should have's & ought to's to a minimum.

My plan is longer - but, these are the things that I will start with for now.  I think that is all we can do as bereaved parents - a little bit at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time and when those things are too much, we can back up and take it one second at a time.