I cannot say it was good - because it wasn't.
I cannot say it was bad - because it wasn't.
It just was...
It's funny - I have never felt like I had a close (or caring) family - not until Tash died. But, I could not be more grateful for them this year. They have come together - they have been super supportive - they have been what I always wanted - a family.
Maybe, it was livable because it was in a different place -there were different faces around the table. Mainly, I believe I made it through because I just kind of convinced myself Tash wasn't gone - she was merely "away." I know that is not a good thing - but, it made the day bearable. We lit a candle in her memory.
I was only disappointed in myself about one thing. I was too worried about what everyone else was thinking. We had bought a candle and had the holder etched in memory of Tash. We took it to the lake. I had also took a picture of Tash from "her" table. But, I never brought it inside the house - I was too afraid it would make everyone too uncomfortable. Is that stupid? I don't know. Later, I had the horrible feeling of guilt - like I was ashamed of Tash. But, that was not it. I am just not sure enough of myself, I guess. I don't want to make others feel bad. I go around with a smile on my face for the same reason.
Oh, how I wish there was something to help me - to lead me - to tell me what I am SUPPOSED to do.
I guess now I start preparing for Christmas - but, I don't want to - I still don't understand how this can be real - can this really be my life?
My husband and I traveled to Pittsburgh to visit my daughter and her husband for Thanksgiving. We had Thanksgiving dinner with my cousin and his wife's family. I was unable to mention my son during the evening because I knew I'd have a complete meltdown if I even said his name. I had wanted to honor him, but decided that he was in our hearts and I just wasn't ready to do it publicly.
ReplyDeleteI reread the above post. I did take in the candle and burn it - but, said nothing. I just didn't take in the picture. HOWEVER, I did a lot of thinking (and talking at couseling - and to my family) about it and on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I burned the candle and put the picture up. I talked about Tash a lot - I cried a lot - I medicated a lot - and I made it through. It wasn't easy. But, I felt much better about Christmas to feel her included than I did at Thanksgiving.
DeleteHow old was your Graham? I am happy that you have your daughter - that is a blessing -
God bless -
T