One year -

Yesterday marked one year since you left, Tash.  I keep saying the same things over and over - seems like yesterday - seems like it has been forever.  I miss everything about you - the good things, like your smile, your giggle, your strength, your courage, the love you had for people - I even miss the bad, like your bad temper and your ability to find drama.  I am not sure there is anything I don't miss about you.  I remember the texture of your hands - how they felt when they held mine - no matter how much lotion you used, they always felt like they could have used a little more.  I remember the green specks in your brown eyes - the way those specks glistened in the sun - dancing with light - with laughter - and, other times, dark, with sadness and pain.  The cheeks you hated so much that I loved - the little slope of your nose - the nose you wanted to change - the one I always thought was perfect for your face from the day you were born.  I loved to kiss your one chicken pox scar right beside your left eye.  I think one of the things that I miss most - that I find it hardest to recreate is the sound of your voice.  There will never be a replacement for that.  There is no one else to call me "Mommy" and that makes me the saddest of all.  I miss everything - but, I miss that the most.

For you, I try to think of the bad things you are NOT missing.  There is no more dialysis - no more needles - no more surgeries - no more infections - no more hospitalizations - no more side effects - NO MORE PAIN!

I wonder if the trade-off is worth it.  I hope that it is for you.  I hope you found peace and health in a restored body.  But, I still don't understand why it had to be one way or the other.  I don't know why you either had to live with pain or die and leave me in pain.  There should have been some middle ground.  We both deserved better.

I was a fifteen-year-old girl when I had you.  I learned more from looking into your eyes than I ever learned from any book.  You taught me how to be a grown-up - you taught me what unconditional love is - you taught me what strength looked like.  The downside to those lessons is that I have a gaping hole where my heart is and I am not sure what to fill it with without you here, Tash.

I try - and I will continue to try as long as I can - but, I know there is nothing that can ever fill the space in my heart where you live...

You are my sunshine...
My only sunshine...
You make me happy when skies are gray...
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away...

MOM