I read this quote almost every day.  It doesn't help - yet.  Today, I have repeated this to myself no less than fifty times.  It has been a frustrating day - I am stuck in my physical recovery - and stuck in my grieving.  I decided I will let what is be what it is today - tomorrow, I will try to get back on the road to moving forward.  Today, I will just let go, feel the pain, and tomorrow, I will pick up the armour and begin the fight again.

I don't know how to describe what I feel to people - I find myself saying "fine" a lot.  In the beginning, I said "shitty" - people seemed shocked by that and somewhat appalled, so I started giving them what they wanted.  That's what I have always been - a people-pleaser.

Through this journey, I have left a lot of the people-pleasing behind.  I am learning to draw healthier boundaries - I am learning to say "shitty" when I feel shitty and "fine" when I feel fine - or when I am facing a person I don't feel safe sharing with. 

Everyone tells you to grieve your own way - but, often, when you do, they feel uncomfortable.  I have also learned that this is okay.  Discomfort is part of the growing process - for me, learning to grieve and learning to live my life without Tash is part of that - for them, maybe the discomfort is there so that the next time they rub up against grief, they are better equipped to deal with it.  I don't know.  I just know that they are right - I have to grieve my own way - and, hopefully, they are strong enough to deal with the power and "strangeness" of my grief.

I am not staying where I am - only today, I am taking a rest - I will grieve the rest of my life - for what is - for what will never be - but, I am also growing - changing - into what I was meant to be.

I miss you, Tash - I hope I make you proud - you always made me proud -