Happy Halloween - 2013

 

 

Another Halloween without Tash - it's still so hard to believe that she would not be here on her favorite days.  I catch myself looking around all day - double-checking - expecting her to walk in the door.

 

Did you know she went trick-or-treating until she was close to twenty-five years old?! She would have done anything to be able to dress up for Halloween.  She always loved it.  As proof of that, I have boxes AND boxes of her Halloween costumes.  She never could wear one more than once - so if she had three parties, she had to have three costumes.  Oh, the arguments we had over the money she spent on some of those costumes.  I guess you can't blame the girl for having the shopping gene - she came by it honestly. 

 

Last year - the first year - we tried to carry on.  Hans dressed up like he always has done - we took our chairs out to the driveway - dressed up the dogs - and handed out candy.  This second year has proved to be much more difficult.  I am not sure why - but, if I am to continue on this journey, then, I, too, must change.  So, letting go of the feelings that I MUST still engage in this holiday, I decided not to give out candy and to do something for myself.  I have to tell you - doing things for myself is difficult for me - especially, when I leave Hans to figure out his own course of action.  But, I stuck to the plan - no matter how many times I wanted to cancel - to chicken out.  But, I did it - and, it's amazing that such a simple thing can feel like such a huge accomplishment.  I went out to dinner with a friend - THAT IS IT!  Nothing more - but, that simple step took more courage than you can imagine.  And, during dinner, I fought the urge to put on "the mask."  If something came up about Tash or grief, I just let it be.  I didn't stuff it down - I didn't change the subject - I just said it and moved on. 

 

Was there a downside to the evening?  Why, yes,. there was.  After asking how I was doing and hearing my answer, my friend told me that I needed to move on - "suck it up, buttercup" -  that the only thing holding me back was me.  THAT IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GRIEVING PARENT!!!  And, I will always be grieving for Tash - she was my life - my only child.  But, for once, I didn't get mad.  I had a flash of anger - then, decided that those were just the only words she had.  I let it go - I didn't correct her.  Maybe, another time, I will tell her how her words made me feel.  But, for tonight, I was able to just enjoy the evening - be a friend - enjoy a friend.

On this, my second Halloween without Tash, I did more than survive.  I hope that Tash is watching - that this is what she wants.  I hope she understands that on these days, I have not forgotten her or tried to replace her - I merely tried to find a way to live without her.  I am still trying to figure out who this person in the mirror is - one day at a time...

 

I Miss Her....

I miss her every day..

I miss the little girl...

The snotty teenager...

The young woman...

I miss the little girl who used to make me breakfast in bed....

She never knew that sometimes I dumped it in my nightstand drawer after telling her how good it was. 

She didn't need a reason - according to her, she just loved me.

I miss the little girl who used to leave me post-it's

"I love you, mom"

"You're beautiful"

"You're the best mom"

On mirrors, on my steering wheel, on my treadmill 

Just because she loved me. 

I miss the teenager who pushed the boundaries -

Curfews, grades, friends - if there was a limit, she tested it. 

But, she never lost that sweetness - it was hard to tell her "no."

I miss the teenager who confided in me

The long car rides where I learned her secrets, her fears, her dreams

I miss the fear of riding in the passenger seat as she learned to drive

I miss the look of accomplishment as she began to drive herself

I miss the young lady who faced the impossible without fear

The one who played a soccer game the night before her transplant 

Who mentioned to her friends: "Oh, by the way, I'm having a kidney transplant tomorrow."

The one who faced the side effects of her meds w/a smile on her face while we cried together in private. 

I miss the young woman she became

The one who REALLY pushed the limits in college

Who tried to hide her disappointment as her disease crushed her college dreams. 

Who worked so hard to rebuild her life

I miss the young woman full of emotion

With a quick, infectious smile

With a pouting lip when she didn't get her way 

With a cry that ripped my heart out. 

I miss the young woman who still called me "Mommy"

The love she had for her family, her friends, and her pets

The small in stature, but, mighty in spirit young woman who could put the scare into a grown man at Howl-O-Scream

The ferocity with which she fought to live

I miss the woman she would have been had she lived 

The memories we would have made 

The fulfillment of promises of a return to health that I made 

The wife and mother she could have been

I miss everything that was and everything that should have been. 

 

YOU'LL GET THROUGH THIS: Hope and Help for Your Turbulent Times

BY Max Lucado

 

 

Going through a divorce?  Struggling through the grief of losing a loved one?  Lose your job?  Is your world falling apart?  “You’ll get through this.  It won’t be painless.  It won’t be quick.  But God will use this mess for good.  In the meantime don’t be foolish or naïve.  But don’t despair either.  With God’s help you will get through this.”  These are the words that Max Lucado writes in his book for those who are suffering – these are the same words he shares with parishioners when they come to him feeling despair. 

                While Lucado stresses to all those reading not to give up, he takes the reader along the path of Joseph, who was sold into slavery by his own brothers.  The story is included Genesis in the Old Testament – one many have heard often – the story of Joseph and his “coat of many colors.”  No matter what a person is going through – sadness, loss, betrayal, grief – Joseph also suffered these pains, along with many other indignities.  Lucado reminds the reader over and over that if Joseph could overcome all of these things and place his trust in God, so should we.  It is also a reminder of how temporary this life is – that no matter how bad the pain is, it will pass.  If we put our trust in God, though we may walk through sadness in this life, we will be blessed for eternity!

                This is a book of hope – letting people know that though they make not be able to make it through the tough times on their own, with God’s intercession, moving on, forgiveness, getting through the tough times – it is all possible.