I Miss Her....

I miss her every day..

I miss the little girl...

The snotty teenager...

The young woman...

I miss the little girl who used to make me breakfast in bed....

She never knew that sometimes I dumped it in my nightstand drawer after telling her how good it was. 

She didn't need a reason - according to her, she just loved me.

I miss the little girl who used to leave me post-it's

"I love you, mom"

"You're beautiful"

"You're the best mom"

On mirrors, on my steering wheel, on my treadmill 

Just because she loved me. 

I miss the teenager who pushed the boundaries -

Curfews, grades, friends - if there was a limit, she tested it. 

But, she never lost that sweetness - it was hard to tell her "no."

I miss the teenager who confided in me

The long car rides where I learned her secrets, her fears, her dreams

I miss the fear of riding in the passenger seat as she learned to drive

I miss the look of accomplishment as she began to drive herself

I miss the young lady who faced the impossible without fear

The one who played a soccer game the night before her transplant 

Who mentioned to her friends: "Oh, by the way, I'm having a kidney transplant tomorrow."

The one who faced the side effects of her meds w/a smile on her face while we cried together in private. 

I miss the young woman she became

The one who REALLY pushed the limits in college

Who tried to hide her disappointment as her disease crushed her college dreams. 

Who worked so hard to rebuild her life

I miss the young woman full of emotion

With a quick, infectious smile

With a pouting lip when she didn't get her way 

With a cry that ripped my heart out. 

I miss the young woman who still called me "Mommy"

The love she had for her family, her friends, and her pets

The small in stature, but, mighty in spirit young woman who could put the scare into a grown man at Howl-O-Scream

The ferocity with which she fought to live

I miss the woman she would have been had she lived 

The memories we would have made 

The fulfillment of promises of a return to health that I made 

The wife and mother she could have been

I miss everything that was and everything that should have been.