Happy Halloween - 2013

 

 

Another Halloween without Tash - it's still so hard to believe that she would not be here on her favorite days.  I catch myself looking around all day - double-checking - expecting her to walk in the door.

 

Did you know she went trick-or-treating until she was close to twenty-five years old?! She would have done anything to be able to dress up for Halloween.  She always loved it.  As proof of that, I have boxes AND boxes of her Halloween costumes.  She never could wear one more than once - so if she had three parties, she had to have three costumes.  Oh, the arguments we had over the money she spent on some of those costumes.  I guess you can't blame the girl for having the shopping gene - she came by it honestly. 

 

Last year - the first year - we tried to carry on.  Hans dressed up like he always has done - we took our chairs out to the driveway - dressed up the dogs - and handed out candy.  This second year has proved to be much more difficult.  I am not sure why - but, if I am to continue on this journey, then, I, too, must change.  So, letting go of the feelings that I MUST still engage in this holiday, I decided not to give out candy and to do something for myself.  I have to tell you - doing things for myself is difficult for me - especially, when I leave Hans to figure out his own course of action.  But, I stuck to the plan - no matter how many times I wanted to cancel - to chicken out.  But, I did it - and, it's amazing that such a simple thing can feel like such a huge accomplishment.  I went out to dinner with a friend - THAT IS IT!  Nothing more - but, that simple step took more courage than you can imagine.  And, during dinner, I fought the urge to put on "the mask."  If something came up about Tash or grief, I just let it be.  I didn't stuff it down - I didn't change the subject - I just said it and moved on. 

 

Was there a downside to the evening?  Why, yes,. there was.  After asking how I was doing and hearing my answer, my friend told me that I needed to move on - "suck it up, buttercup" -  that the only thing holding me back was me.  THAT IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GRIEVING PARENT!!!  And, I will always be grieving for Tash - she was my life - my only child.  But, for once, I didn't get mad.  I had a flash of anger - then, decided that those were just the only words she had.  I let it go - I didn't correct her.  Maybe, another time, I will tell her how her words made me feel.  But, for tonight, I was able to just enjoy the evening - be a friend - enjoy a friend.

On this, my second Halloween without Tash, I did more than survive.  I hope that Tash is watching - that this is what she wants.  I hope she understands that on these days, I have not forgotten her or tried to replace her - I merely tried to find a way to live without her.  I am still trying to figure out who this person in the mirror is - one day at a time...