Today was a successful day in keeping guilt at bay...

If you're in the midst of grief, I urge you to find one thing TODAY that you can do for someone else.  It doesn't have to be big - you don't have to talk to them.  Smile at someone.  Find another grieving parent and send them a note or a card.  Drop some flowers off at the local assisted living facility.  OR DO IT BIG!!!  Just for one moment, step out of yourself...don't be scared...your grief will still be there when you get back.  You can still wrap yourself in it.

But, just doing this one small thing may give you a glimmer of light at the end of the long tunnel of grief.  It's been just a little over twenty-five months for me - I still have a long way to go.  But, oh those glimmers!!! I have such high hope for those glimmers.

My life will never be the same - how could it, without my only child - the love of my life - by my side?  I have never been an adult without her until January 7, 2012.  I have no idea who I am without her.  But, I am trying to figure it out - I am learning who I am.  Being Tasha's mom was my greatest accomplishment - nothing will ever detract from that.  But, now without her, I must FIGHT to find my way to my true self.  Who am I without Tash?

I wish I could answer that question for you now.  But, I am not there yet.  Stick with me - I will stick with you - we can do this together!  I know Tasha fought to live and for that reason alone, I have to fight to do the same thing.

Namaste...

www.facebook.com/TashasGiftInc

THE WALL AROUND YOUR HEART by Mary DeMuth

I had high hopes when I received this book. My "wall" had been the topic of my thoughts and conversations lately. While not answering all my questions, it certainly addressed many of my issues. DeMuth writes in a way that is thought-provoking, as well as encouraging. 

Drawing from her own trauma-filled past, she acknowledges the building blocks of her wall, allowing her to connect with her readers on a deep and personal level. Including her own faults and failures makes this more than a preachy, how-to-be-perfect-like-me self-help book.  It humanizes her.  She makes it okay to move backwards in the process of moving forward.  Sharing her strategy of prayer for deconstructing the wall is helpful, but, going as far as to share some of her personal prayers is even better.  It's as if she is taking her readers by the hand and working with them to help them deconstruct their own walls.

Through life's challenges and often painful times, it is easy to build the wall, as so many do.  Putting up the wall of safety and isolation is the easy part. Re-emerging as the wall is taken down proves more difficult.  Have a real-life example, as well as the biblical examples included by DeMuth, will provide guidance for those attempting to take down the wall around their hearts and re-engage with life and society to discover a world of love and hope.  

Beating the guilt...

110 Weeks....

I can't believe it's been that long....Yet, in many ways, it still feels like yesterday.

How many times have I said those words?

My posts seem to get farther in between, but, the truth is - I am still writing - just not much is publishable - who wants to read a bunch of whining and self-pity?

The last few weeks have been full - I have been on some wonderful trips - I have spent time with family - I have lost friends who broke my trust (& my heart) - but, most importantly, I have been working on ME!

When your child dies, you grieve - but, so much of the time, the grief is accompanied by guilt.  Guilt is sneaky - it sneaks up behind you and drops a black net over your head - a net from which there is no escape.  I have decided to work in an attempt to beat guilt at its own game.  I have been reading - researching - watching - talking...it has been the number one subject in counseling.

I have mentioned before that I worked really hard to parent in such a way that there would be no guilt if something happened.  Always knowing in my heart that I would outlive Tash, this was important to me.  But, once she died, I could think of hundreds of things to be guilty for - I could see every mistake clearly - every slight was suddenly a boulder of guilt for me to carry.

But, as time goes on and I work on this, I know that guilt does not serve me or my grief.  Guilt takes away from Tash's life - it puts the focus on her death - the day of her death - and, lets all the wonderful times and memories be forgotten while I focus on myself and my guilt. 

Iyanla Vanzant say that guilt is a wasted emotion.  I agree with that - maybe it can be a barometer in some situations, but, for a grieving parent, in MOST cases, it really does not have a place.  What do we have to feel guilty for?  Wouldn't we have done ANYTHING we could have done to save our children?  Wouldn't we have given our lives for theirs?  How can we feel guilty for that?

Sure, there are parents who have made mistakes -- who have caused their child's death.  But, that is the minority. 

For the rest of us, we must work to celebrate our children's lives - my child lived  10,026 days - LIVED!!!! - she only died on one of those days!  How can I let that day be the determiner for my future, when she fought so hard to live the other 10, 025 days?????

It's a process - if you are a grieving parent, be kind to yourself - life has been hard enough...I salute you for trying to live another day...for walking this walk with me...for trying to find your purpose without your child....they still deserve us fighting for them....Namaste