Beating the guilt...

110 Weeks....

I can't believe it's been that long....Yet, in many ways, it still feels like yesterday.

How many times have I said those words?

My posts seem to get farther in between, but, the truth is - I am still writing - just not much is publishable - who wants to read a bunch of whining and self-pity?

The last few weeks have been full - I have been on some wonderful trips - I have spent time with family - I have lost friends who broke my trust (& my heart) - but, most importantly, I have been working on ME!

When your child dies, you grieve - but, so much of the time, the grief is accompanied by guilt.  Guilt is sneaky - it sneaks up behind you and drops a black net over your head - a net from which there is no escape.  I have decided to work in an attempt to beat guilt at its own game.  I have been reading - researching - watching - talking...it has been the number one subject in counseling.

I have mentioned before that I worked really hard to parent in such a way that there would be no guilt if something happened.  Always knowing in my heart that I would outlive Tash, this was important to me.  But, once she died, I could think of hundreds of things to be guilty for - I could see every mistake clearly - every slight was suddenly a boulder of guilt for me to carry.

But, as time goes on and I work on this, I know that guilt does not serve me or my grief.  Guilt takes away from Tash's life - it puts the focus on her death - the day of her death - and, lets all the wonderful times and memories be forgotten while I focus on myself and my guilt. 

Iyanla Vanzant say that guilt is a wasted emotion.  I agree with that - maybe it can be a barometer in some situations, but, for a grieving parent, in MOST cases, it really does not have a place.  What do we have to feel guilty for?  Wouldn't we have done ANYTHING we could have done to save our children?  Wouldn't we have given our lives for theirs?  How can we feel guilty for that?

Sure, there are parents who have made mistakes -- who have caused their child's death.  But, that is the minority. 

For the rest of us, we must work to celebrate our children's lives - my child lived  10,026 days - LIVED!!!! - she only died on one of those days!  How can I let that day be the determiner for my future, when she fought so hard to live the other 10, 025 days?????

It's a process - if you are a grieving parent, be kind to yourself - life has been hard enough...I salute you for trying to live another day...for walking this walk with me...for trying to find your purpose without your child....they still deserve us fighting for them....Namaste