One year ago, I sat in a funeral home, doing the unthinkable - planning a funeral for my only child - my daughter....

At 3 p.m. on Tuesday, January 10, I faced the most unimaginable task. I never thought about planning funerals.  Sure, Tash was sick - we talked about living wills - plans if something went wrong medically - but, we never talked about dying - never talked about funerals.  It was never supposed to happen - especially not then - not when everything was going so well.  In my heart, I always knew she would die before me, but maybe when she was sixty, and I was seventy-five.  At the worst time in my life, I had to make the last decisions I would ever make for my daughter:

- What should she wear?
- What kind of flowers were her favorite?
- What color should they be?
- What should we play for music?
- Should it be at noon? 2?
- What do we include in the obituary?
- How the HELL do you even write an obituary?
- How do we let people know?
- Who do we call?
- How much does it cost?
- How do we plan to pay?
- Do we want a "reception" afterward? (That's a fucking stupid word for this situation!)
- Why kind of food do we want?
- Are we having vegetarians?
- How do we want the room arranged?
- What kind of casket do we want?
- Cremation or burial?
- Since we chose cremation, would we like to rent a casket? (REALLY??  Rent a casket?)

And the list goes on - at a time when you can't dress yourself, you have to make all these decisions and more.  I cannot even begin to explain the process of picking out pics for the obituary, the service and the "slide show." 

When you are burying your child, you realize that it is the last "party" you will ever have for them - you have to combine birthdays, wedding showers, weddings, baby showers, graduations, etc. all rolled into one.  IT HAS TO BE PERFECT!  But, how can a funeral be perfect? 

How can you explain this to people that have never been through it?  Or to those who keep saying: "It's JUST her body - her soul has gone to be with Jesus?"  It is the last time you will see her - touch her skin - trace her scars - hold her hand...so many lasts...leading to so many firsts...all the firsts without her by your side.

One year ago today, it had been almost 3 days since she had died - 3 eternal days while I waited to see her again - and 2 days until the last time I would ever see her in this lifetime.  I had 5 days to plan...I had five days to try to make sense of the nonsensical - 5 days to try to figure out how to say good-bye - if 27 years was not enough time, how could 5 days be enough???

The one-year anniversary was tough - but, these days are tough, too - remembering that time, hoping I did right by her - hoping it was what she wanted and still wishing I had more time.

I love you, Tash.