THANKSGIVING

 

Tomorrow is our first Thanksgiving without her - I am not sure what to say - how to act - what I am SUPPOSED to do. 

 

Tash loved Thanksgiving - family, green bean casserole, celery & cream cheese, and pumpkin pie.  She loved to play board games, watch movies, watch football, and listen to the stories of our family.  She was loud - she was boisterous - she was seldom without a smile - she was my daughter.

 

I had Tash when I was 15. I finished my childhood with her - I never lived as an adult without her.  I am trying to learn how - there are many days I don't want to know how.  This is one of those days....

 

I never thought this day would get here - it's a dreaded day.  When I started writing tonight, I was thinking I had prepared pretty well - I was optimistic - I had kept myself busy - spent time with my family and friends this week - and, even though, I was sad, I felt prepared to face the day.  Since then, the drama has started, plans have started to fall apart, and the disappointments have begun - and, I don't know that I can deal with it.  My initial plan was to stay in bed - under the covers - and give a big middle finger to the holiday.  Right now, I am so sorry I changed my plans.  I don't even know what to say - what to do - how to react.  It's begun - and, it's worse than I thought it would be.

 

I read that the anticipation was actually worse than the holiday.  I disagree - there's an equality to the suckage.  I just want Tash back - I want to hear her voice - feel the dry skin of her hands - feel her lips on my cheek - run my fingers through her hair - hear her giggle.....I guess I just want everything I cannot have.  I don't want turkey...pumpkin pie...family stories...football...I only want what I cannot have.