Transformation...

Still trudging on....

I figured out what loneliness was only after Tash died.  I was never lonely before - even when I was alone, I was always collecting things, stories, experiences to share with Tash the next time I saw her or talked to her.  I loved to make her laugh - hear her giggle.  I loved to see the look on her face when it was a story that was awful or made me mad - at times it was like looking into a mirror.

But, since she left, I have become very familiar with loneliness.  She is my constant companion, at times.  I don't have to be alone to see her sitting across the room - I can be with friends -- family - surrounded by people.  But, there she sits -the Lady Fear - gently - sometimes, not so gently - reminding me of her presence. 

Loneliness - she has a magic way of slowing down the clock at night - the tick-tocking of the clock slows until time almost stops, giving me plenty of time to think - about the past and what I can no longer change - about the future and my fear of being unable to face it.  During the day, I've learned to mostly ignore her - to place my mask carefully over my face before entering the world.  But, those nights...

During the day, if you look closely, you might see the words "lonely" and "afraid" etched into my forehead.  Where lonely fades away, fear walks in.  As the fear takes control, loneliness cheers from the sidelines, watching as friends and family members turn their backs rather than face my fear - or take hold of my hand and help me face it. 

Loneliness and fear - best friends in the arena of grief - they look like everyone else - dressed nice - presentable - the damage they reap is invisible to the naked eye.  It is only the griever who feels their damage....

And, it gets worse as we get closer to rebuilding a life - building a new life.  The stronger we get - the more formidable our opponents.  Loneliness spreads its wings and fear becomes FEAR.  They are here to fool you - to slow your transformation - to make you question every step you are taking. 

BUT, don't let them win - change is painful - grief is unbearable - we have faced the impossible.  When we are afraid and we are lonely, it is so  tempting to let these two overtake us.  But, they are not there to stop us - if we face them, we can conquer them - if we realize what they are,  merely partners in our transformation, we take away their power. 

The friends that have left, the friends who have turned their backs - they didn't leave us - they let their own fear take over.  What feels like punishment just may be a clearing for us - for goodness to come in. 

DO NOT GIVE UP!  Keep moving - keep believing - keep feeling...but, DO NOT GIVE UP!

Face fear - face loneliness - stare them down and keep allowing your life to expand as you move toward transformation.  There is something more out there.  I KNOW it!  I have faced fear and loneliness - some days, I am still facing them.  But, I am transforming - I am finding the new me.  I will always be Tasha's mom - but, I am learning who else I am.  I have some different people in my life now - but, they are REAL relationships - authentic ones - through the fog created by fear and loneliness, the fair-weather friends and family members have been swept away.  I wish them well. 

This is MY journey and I am so thankful for the full life I have - the array of friends and family members - the people who I love so much that I didn't know before Tash died - they are here - a phone call or text away.  There are days when something special shows up in my mailbox - days where I receive an unexpected message - these are sent and left by people who have seen me at my worst, and still hold out their arms to me.  They will not be offended when I am ready to say the word "happy" - they will not  judge me - they will rejoice with me - laugh and smile with me - just as they have sat and cried with me and carried me through the transformation.

NAMASTE...