3 years...

Tash -

Two weeks ago marked the third year since you left us.  I think this may be the hardest year yet.  Each year - each passing holiday - each birthday - each anniversary - they all just make your absence more real. 

Tonight, I was supposed to go to a memorial service for the father of one of my students.  I just couldn't do it - instead, I went to bed and slept through it.  I am just not ready for that additional dose of reality. 

When you left, you left behind a disaster.  It's kind of like a town that has been ripped apart by a tornado.  Everything is left barren.  But, there are remnants of the lives that used to be strewn about the town - hanging from trees.  For us, nothing is as it used to be - but, there are memories everywhere of what used to be.  There is a picture here - a favorite thing there - an unexpected memory there - but, they are scattered now - and as each one reappears, it evokes another -

This destruction - well, it covers everything - there is nothing - no area of our lives that your death didn't shroud.  We don't sleep the same - we don't eat the same - nothing seems to be as important any more.  Bills get paid late - who cares?  The house could fall down around us and I am not sure we would even care - hell, we might not even notice. 

The nights - the long nights - the dreams - the bad dreams - the nightmares - the night terrors - they don't even seem to end when I wake up - if I have slept the night before.  The last thing I look at before I close me eyes is your picture - and, it is the first thing I see when I wake up.  But, all those hours in between, I wish I could fill them with you - not just memories and pictures. 

I just spend so much of my time wishing you were here.  Maybe then, I would have answers to my questions.  Maybe I could go back to work - without the guilt and anxiety killing me.  Maybe then, I could walk into a crowd without the cold sweat running down my back - without worrying that I will scream - or fall to the ground without being able to get up.  Maybe, then, I could let go of this urge I have been holding for three years to scream until I cannot make another noise.

The biggest changes have come from within.  I am no longer the woman I was before  - I am not sure who I am without being "Tasha's mom."  I don't know if you would recognize me - my behavior or even believe the thoughts that I have.  I never thought I wanted to change - but, you leaving made me rethink everything I have ever believed.  But, if I hadn't changed, I wouldn't be alive.  I have had to do some hard work - make some drastic changes - all to survive the devastation of being left here without you. 

I am stronger now.  I am less attached to the wrong things and the wrong people.  You taught me how to let go - and, as I have learned more about that, I have learned to let go of so many useless things and people - things and people that did not enrich my life.  (Yes, I am still addicted to my iPhone - not everything has changed!)  I wish you were here to see it all.  You should be here to see me at my best - because of you, I became a better person.  Because you left me, I became an even stronger and empathetic person.

But, I have learned and am still learning that you are still here, just not in the physical form - the one I still so often need and crave.  But you are still here.  I see you in my dreams - I wish it was more often.  I am positive that you are always close - watching over us.  With the signs we receive, I know you are never far.  Though, it is not the way I wish it was and I will crave your presence until my last breath, I am learning to live with what I have and I am thankful for that.

I love you - always have - always will - love you more....

MOM



NAMASTE....