Limitless....

 

 

This grief is so unpredictable.  One of the worse things it does for us bereaved parents is to implant fear.  Sure there are the unanswered questions it leaves - but, for me, the fear is worse.  I used to not be scared.  But, now, I find I am scared of almost everything - people, crowds, decisions, new experiences, traveling, leaving the house, getting up in the morning and, as usual, the list goes on. 

 

 

I discover new fears every day - as always, grief is the "gift" that just keeps on giving. 

 

 

Most days, I am able to push through the fear now.  But, there are still those days where the fear wins - not as often as in the beginning - but, it's still there.  In the beginning, I seldom got out of bed.  I ignored the ringing phone.  I missed appointments - I skipped work.  I was just too afraid. 

 

 

Now, some days, I can see the sun...feel the hope....

 

Before Tash died, I always had insecurities, but, never the time to dwell on them.  I was too busy being Tasha's mom.  Between being "one of those" teachers who was on 24/7 and keeping up with Tash and her illness, I seldom had the time to look in the mirror, let alone contemplate my shortcomings.

 

 

But, now, having lost Tash and left my job, I have nothing but time to contemplate anything and everything - and with a nonstop brain, it is a full-time job.  I question EVERYTHING!  I cannot make a decision to save my life - what shoes will I wear?  What is for dinner?  What is my purpose?  Is the sky really blue?  The question and its importance - or lack of - doesn't matter - I simply struggle to make a decision these days.  I made all the decisions when it came to Tash and her healthcare - and look where that got me. 

 

So, here I am, struggling with the woman in the mirror.  I think I like her - but, she is definitely a work in progress. 

 

Now, that I have time to think, I see ALL my flaws and they are so numerous that they are paralyzing.  But, I know with time and work, I can come to terms with most of these.  Everyday, I work to get closer.  The work is never easy, but is it supposed to be?



 

So, I get up each morning, I make myself a cup of tea, I meditate and do my best to have a productive day.  I have learned not to feel guilty about doing things for myself - for taking care of myself - and, most of the time, I am okay with that.  I miss knowing what my purpose is and I am working to find a purpose now that I am no longer just "Tasha's mom" or a teacher.  I am learning to like my own company - I am learning to say what I think without worrying about the judgment. Much of it is strange and uncomfortable, like it is not my skin I am living in....but, it is forward movement and that is something to be thankful for.

 

I am learning that I am enough....

 

NAMASTE....