Yesterday, I wrote to Tash - extolling the limitless list of "why's." Today, I am reading the book 90 Minutes in Heaven, and begin the chapter: "The Why Questions." This man died for ninety minutes, went to heaven and recounts his story - painting a glorious picture of heaven - and, now, he puts his story on paper to share with the rest of us. I get so mad at all the unanswered questions that swirl through my days and wreak havoc on my nights. But, here is this man of God, so secure in his faith and about his experience, and he still has questions. It's a sobering thought - I often feel that if my faith was stronger, I would have fewer questions - but, maybe that is not true. This man, Rev. Piper, talks about heaven in such a way that it almost makes me believe that Tash would be happier there, and would give no thoughts to my time here on earth without her. BUT, I AM STILL NOT SURE. If I died first, I would want her to stay here and be happy - continue her life and live to the fullest. That is the natural order of things. I am not sure it works the other way. Tash always wanted to be with me - hated me to be happy when she wasn't with me - was jealous of the time I spent with others. Sooooo, would she really want me to be happy without her? I just don't think so - I think she would want me to be with her. And, I am torn - I want be here with Hans - but, I want to be with Tash. I want to see her - hear her voice - hold her - see her restored. I still feel like she needs me. Am I wrong? Is it only my need that I am acknowledging? Is it selfish to want her back - even as she was - with pain - the dialysis - the waiting - the surgeries? I can't help it - I just don't think it should be this way - there has to be a reason for all her suffering - it surely couldn't have all been for nothing. What could be the purpose in that? I just feel like I know that she wouldn't have wanted to leave me - that she would want me with her. How does one move past that to live a life here? My life will never be normal - there is no chance that I will ever be happy again. All my life, all I have ever wanted was family and happiness and now both have been stripped from me in a single moment. So, what do I do? Stay and continue to live for the convenience of others? Go and rest with my baby, while relishing her new, healthy, restored body? Oh, Tash - this is an impossible decision - I don't know how to live without you - and, more importantly, I don't want to. I can't! My heart is broken into a million little pieces and I just don't know how to live this way. How can I do this? Why would I want to? I dreamed of a family my whole life - to make up for the lack of family I had growing up - I was only lucky enough to have one child - my Tash - it wasn't my dream of a big family - but, it was my perfect family. Now, that is gone, too. I have no parents - I have no children - I have become less than a nobody - with no purpose. I have done nothing to leave a legacy in this world - I have no reasons to get up in the morning - I have no reason to save things - no one to give them to - no one to care about the things I have collected, the pictures I have taken - I just live in a house full of treasures for an anonymous estate sale one day. I have lived for naught - the why's don't matter - only my broken heart matters - the soul that bleeds for my lost child - I'm just nobody now. I'm Nobody! Who are you? by Emily Dickinson I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you – Nobody – too? This is the new story of my life. I fought so hard for our lives - for her life - now there is nothing to fight for....