Her birthday... In just five days, it will be Tash's birthday - her first birthday that she'll miss. I cannot seem to get my mind off of it - it is consuming my every waking moment. How will I cope? What will I do? What should I do? I am not sure there is a right answer to this question. You see, I had a plan. I thought it was the right one - but, now, I am not so sure. I promised Tash I would meet her on her birthday. I have spent the last six months getting ready to keep that promise. I have talked about it with my counselor for hours - I have talked about it with husband for hours, trying to make him understand that it doesn't mean that I love him any less - it's just that I think Tash needs me more. And, I cannot even begin to count the hours that I have put in with organizing her stuff, setting up the foundation, trying to clean up and organize my own things. I do not want to leave Hans a mess to deal with. But, no matter how hard I have worked, I have not finished everything I need to do. My counselor reminds me that I promised to meet her on her birthday, BUT, I didn't say it would be THIS birthday. But, I feel like Tash knew I meant this birthday - how can I break this last promise to her? There are so many opinions on this - but, no facts. Some say that Tash would be happy in heaven - would harbor none of the negative earthly feelings. I am still not so sure I can believe that. Others say that she doesn't need me now - that God has her in his hands - her body is restored - and, that though, time seems to crawl by for me, it is but a blink of an eye for her until we are together again. Still, I'm not so sure. There are those of the opinion that if I take my own life, I will go to hell and will not be with Tash. I do hate the people that would tell me that Tash would want me to move forward and live a happy life. I just call BULLSHIT on that. That is not the Tash I know. I guess I just don't know what to do any more. I think I am ready to make a decision - I think I am okay staying here a little longer - finish the job of being Tash's mom - getting all her stuff done and organized. But, what if I am wrong? There is already so much guilt. How can I risk breaking this last promise to her? I just don't know. I read every book I can - I try to reason through it - but, what it all comes down to is that I just don't know what to do. And, there is no one left to ask. I have five days to make a decision - 5 days to determine what the right thing to do is. I wish I could have a poll - what would the world think if I employed survey monkey for this and sent a copy to everyone I know? I miss Tash so much - I just don't know how long I can live here without her and I don't know how long I want to -