28 weeks.... I cannot believe it has been 28 weeks since I have seen you - held you - heard your voice. It never gets easier. I still look for you every where - hoping for answers that never come. A weird thing happened yesterday... One thing I am scared of is a loose dog. Yesterday, while I was running, I saw a big, white, fluffy dog running toward me. I crossed the street and looked to see where the dog was - IT WAS GONE! It was as if it had never been there - it couldn't have just disappeared. At the time, I wondered if I was having some kind of heat stroke. But, as I rounded the corner, where I would have been running if I hadn't crossed the street to get away from the "white dog," stood two big dogs who were not too happy to see me. But, their owner was able to call them back. Had I not crossed the street, I would have run right into them and their owner wouldn't have been able to call them back. So, what was the white dog? A warning? A premonition? Tash? I sometimes think I am crazy and making up things to make it seem like it's Tash and not just coincidence. I just don't know. There seem to be so many "coincidences," that they seem more like "on purposes." I want to think it was Tash warning me - protecting me. How do I know what's real? What's not real? I wish I knew what to believe. I sometimes feel as if Tash is so close and other times, I feel lost without her and like I will never have contact again. Tash's birthday is in eight days and I am still not sure what to do - what she would want me to do. There are always so many more questions than answers. If your only child died, what would you want to do? That's what I want to ask everyone. I feel so lost - so without purpose - I don't know what I am supposed to do - how I am supposed to live. I feel like I walk around in a daze - putting on an act of being okay whenever anyone is around - giving them what they want/need. But, what about what I want and need? I don't even know what those things are. There is no feeling more isolating than grief. I miss being a mom - I miss Tash.