It's finally here - the day I have dreaded for the last 206 days - Tash's 28th birthday - her first in heaven - our first without her.  I am not really sure how I should feel - what I should do.  This was the day I promised to meet her - but, I am still here.  Is that the right decision?  The best decision?  I don't know - and I don't know what that decision will bring.  More guilt?  Perhaps.

I worry about Tash understanding.  Is she okay with me staying here a little longer?  We talked about that in counseling a lot today.  Am I worried that she needs me?  Or, could it be for the first time, she doesn't need me?  Has it become more about me than about her?  Of course, like most of my other questions, there are no answers to these questions either. 

I wish that I could say that I have come to the conclusion that I have decided to live.  But, that's not true - I have decided to live for now  I have decided that I have things to finish and a husband to take care of - for at least a little while longer. 

A sign - that is what I want - what I wish for - just something to know that I am making the right decision.  And, I will wait for it a little bit longer....

But, for now, this is the day of her birth - NATASHA COURTNEY KNOBEL was born on July 31, 1984 - it was a Tuesday - ironic that the first birthday that she is not here to celebrate is also on a Tuesday - which means, that 5 Tuesday's from now, we will be "celebrating" my birthday - another first - another milestone without Tash - it will be the first birthday in I don't know how many years that I won't receive a phone call and hear her singing "Happy Birthday" to me. 

This is just from one year ago - Tash's 27th birthday.  We went parasailing and stayed out at the beach.  It was the first time we had taken her dialysis machine on a "trip."  It was sort of a trial run.  It is funny that we were staying at the beach - Tash had never been much of a fan of the beach.  But, it was her choice - and, she chose the beach.  True to form, when the water splashed her in the face and the waves overpowered her little body, out came the chin and the lip moved into the pout position.  We laughed so hard at her - which made her laugh as well.  We were so "busy" relaxing that we didn't take many pictures that long weekend.  I am really sad about that.

Back in the room, Tash worked studiously to hook up her dialysis machine - setting everything up just so - she soo desperately wanted to impress her dad with what she had learned during her training - how competent she was - and, wouldn't you know?  Something went wrong.  We tried to be quiet about it - we didn't want "him" to know something was going wrong.  But, finally, we had to admit it - something was wrong and we didn't know how to fix it.  So, admitting defeat, we asked dad to help us out.  He did a "little" grumbling as he set about to help us - and, OF COURSE, he found what we had missed - one clamp on one hose had kept the machine from running.  UGH!  How we both hated that!

But, we were off!  It was fantastic!  Not only could Tasha dialyze at home, now, we could take it on the road.  We talked about cruises - returning to Holland - what we would do for the next birthday - the one we would never get to celebrate.  That makes me so sad.  But, when I think about last year's birthday, I remember so many good things - we had such a good time. 

Because the weekend at the beach was the weekend after her actual birthday, we had a birthday dinner at Joe's crab Shack.  If you have an iPhone, you know about four-square.  Well, Tash decided to complete every question to earn every point - to earn every free thing she could possibly get.  She was driving her dad crazy, borrowing his phone to complete another task.  We took pictures, she hugged the waitress, she rode a stick pony through the restaurant, she did the scavenger hunt - but, it was funny - and, we have some great pictures and some even greater memories that will last forever. 

NOW, we work on her foundation as we face this birthday of hers alone.  There are no more family celebrations, holidays - there never will be a wedding, grandchildren, and there will be no more special shared moments.  We are alone, trying to find meaning - trying to answer the WHY'S - trying to make our way with a family that has lost its center, its soul.  We work to do what would make her proud - to build a foundation that does things that Tash would like - to build something she would be proud of - to celebrate her life - and all she meant to so many people.  For if we do not do something that honors and celebrates her life, then how we can justify all her suffering and pain???  There must be a reason to go on - to get up - to live again - I am not sure what it is yet - but, I am hopeful that one day - one morning - I will wake up in the morning and think: "There is a reason to get up today..."


If you are interested in seeing how we are working to put together a foundation in her honor or would like to be a part of it, please visit her foundation's Facebook page:
 www.facebook.com/TashasGiftInc