Six months ago...

That was the last time I saw your face - heard your voice - hugged your neck.  You were so bouncy - so excited about going out that night.  I couldn't even get out the door all the way because the dogs had screwed up the rug, pushing it up against the door.- but, I remember everything - what you said - what you were wearing - your Snooki slippers - what I was wearing - and, that stupid stack of boxes - the dialysis supplies that I thought would keep you alive.  Little did I know...

Tomorrow, it will be six months since you died - I am not sure how to go on racking up the anniversaries.  I don't want to count the days I haven't seen you - I want to count the days I see you - I want to see you!!  How is it possible that I could live years without you?   

I wonder about every minute of that last night.  Yes, there are pics of you dancing - pics of you with your friends - but, what was going on with YOU?  What did you think?  I have read the texts you sent at 3:30 in the morning - but, now, I have also read the medical examiner's report and I know you were not drunk.  What was wrong?  What happened?  I guess I may never have the answers to those questions while I am here  on earth.  Maybe, I will never have them at all.  But, knowing that answers possibly lie beyond this realm, gives me hope - and makes me anxious to learn those truths. 

It's July 6 - 25 days until your birthday - 25 days until I have to make a decision whether or not to answer that promise I made to you.  Twenty-five days for you to try to come through - to answer me - to tell me what to do.  Did you REALLY know how much I love you?  How much I needed you?  You may have thought that you needed me - and, maybe, that is true - BUT, I NEEDED YOU, TOO!!!  You completed me - you gave me purpose - you lit up my days - and, now, I lay here, thinking: 6 months ago - how could it have been six months?  How can I take another breath when you are not here?  Yet, my body betrays me - it lives on - while the most vital part of my life has left here.  How is that possible?

I love you, Tash - I hope you know how much - I hope you always knew how much.