Six months ago...
That was the last time I saw your face - heard your voice - hugged your neck. You were so bouncy - so excited about going out that night. I couldn't even get out the door all the way because the dogs had screwed up the rug, pushing it up against the door.- but, I remember everything - what you said - what you were wearing - your Snooki slippers - what I was wearing - and, that stupid stack of boxes - the dialysis supplies that I thought would keep you alive. Little did I know...
Tomorrow, it will be six months since you died - I am not sure how to go on racking up the anniversaries. I don't want to count the days I haven't seen you - I want to count the days I see you - I want to see you!! How is it possible that I could live years without you?
I wonder about every minute of that last night. Yes, there are pics of you dancing - pics of you with your friends - but, what was going on with YOU? What did you think? I have read the texts you sent at 3:30 in the morning - but, now, I have also read the medical examiner's report and I know you were not drunk. What was wrong? What happened? I guess I may never have the answers to those questions while I am here on earth. Maybe, I will never have them at all. But, knowing that answers possibly lie beyond this realm, gives me hope - and makes me anxious to learn those truths.
It's July 6 - 25 days until your birthday - 25 days until I have to make a decision whether or not to answer that promise I made to you. Twenty-five days for you to try to come through - to answer me - to tell me what to do. Did you REALLY know how much I love you? How much I needed you? You may have thought that you needed me - and, maybe, that is true - BUT, I NEEDED YOU, TOO!!! You completed me - you gave me purpose - you lit up my days - and, now, I lay here, thinking: 6 months ago - how could it have been six months? How can I take another breath when you are not here? Yet, my body betrays me - it lives on - while the most vital part of my life has left here. How is that possible?
I love you, Tash - I hope you know how much - I hope you always knew how much.
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