The hours I am alone are few ---

I walk this house -
I look for you -
For signs -
For hope -
I find little of either -

All I find are more questions -
Why? 
How?
What am I supposed to do?
What would you think of what we are doing?
What would you want me to do?
Do you need me there?
Do you want me to stay here?
Do you want me to be happy?
Why did you leave me?

There are no answers - there are only more questions.
The grief is blinding -
it overtakes me when I am least expecting it -
Have you ever cried so hard and for so long that
hundreds of tiny "lightning bugs" flash before your eyes?
I want to leave this world -
more than anything -
I want to hold my daughter's hand.