Our last pic together



Back from a week of vacation - a vacation for body - a vacation for soul - but, there is never a vacation from grief.  I cannot seem to link my mind with the reality of the fact that I will not see my baby again - will not hear her voice - will not hang out together - talk shit - and just giggle. 

She loved her animals - and they loved her.  How does one go on without their child?  I am sure people who have 5 children feel the same as I do - but, they, at least, have four other reasons to get up in the mornings.  I have none.  There will be no engagement party, no wedding, no grandchildren - no celebrations -- no crying sessions - none, except the ones I have daily.

I try to hide my tears.  I am becoming an expert actress - trying to give everyone what they want - put them at ease.  But, the truth is, I am still counting down the days until I fulfill my last promise to Tash.  I cannot imagine a long life without her - I am so sad - so angry that she left me.  Do I have the right to be angry?  Should I be angry with her?  I am so busy being angry with myself that I have not gotten around to being mad at her yet.  How can I be mad at her?  Well, as politically incorrect as it probably is to say, I CAN!! And, sometimes, I am.  I cannot give words to this feeling yet - I cannot put it out there and share it with others yet.  In counseling, we skirt around the issue - touching it - giving it life - but, backing off before it becomes too big to tame. 

I don't know how I am supposed to do this - there are no books to give me directions about how to mourn my only child.  Everyone agrees that you must do it your own way - but, after they look you in the face and verbalize that bullshit, they walk away, shaking their heads, while they contemplate how crazy you really are.  They talk shit behind your back - critiquing your coping ability - then, your "friends" come back & tell you what was said, thinking it will help you.  HERE'S SOME NEWS PEOPLE:  IT DOES NOT HELP!  It makes me crawl further into my shell, makes me do more pretending in front of people, makes me avoid leaving the house - and, inside, the anger is curdling, bubbling - and, I guess it will continue to do so until I cannot hold it in any longer.  I see my anger more - we have become acquainted in a way we haven't been for years - I pity the person who sends us tumbling down the mountain of rage.  It is so close to the surface lately - it comes out like lava out of a volcano - always directed at the stranger who has inadvertently ignited the fuse.  What does it take to make it happen?  Bump into me in the mall - move your seat in front of me at a show (learned this last week on my cruise) - any perceived slight sends me into a f-word-spewing fit and God help the person at the other end of my rage. 

I'm mad - and, it is so hard to hold it in - I want to be myself - I want permission to be sad - I am tired of acting for everyone else's comfort.  I am so scared everyone is going to go away if they see ME - but, hasn't the most important person already left me?  I am not sure if the rest matters...