A day of peace -

Today has been a day of peace.  They come more often now.  It doesn't mean I didn't think about Tash - it doesn't mean I did not have sad moments.  It just means that the peaceful moments outweighed the sad, tense ones.  It took a long time to reach this point, and, I know that this is not a permanent destination.  Tomorrow, grief can show up and knock my feet out from underneath me.  But, I am learning to appreciate the good days and to acknowledge them - and, to realize that I deserve them.

I do not think that there is harder job in the world than being a grieving mother.  We are constantly on edge - still thinking about the comfort of others more than on our own need to grieve.  Then, we can become bitter because we don't feel like we are allowed to grieve.  It's not our nature to speak up - to say what we need - but, perhaps, it is time that we step out of our comfort zone and start telling our friends and loved ones what we need.  Sure, sometimes, we will be denied - but, I think, at other times, people will be relieved to help us.  They don't know what to do.  I truly believe that many want nothing more than to help us - they just don't know what to do.

How many times have we heard the words: "Call if you need anything" - "Let me know if your need anything" -  ad nauseum.  Do these people have any idea that we are TOTALLY INCAPABLE of picking up a phone to ask for help???  The truth is that they don't - I have started telling people this.  Now, they text me - call, sometimes - and, it is so much better to have been honest, instead of being angry that people don't know.  NOW, they do!

ANYWAY, back to my day.  I have to celebrate these days.  It took me a long time to realize I did deserve good days.  I may not have been the most perfect mother - but, I was a pretty good one - and, no matter what my mistakes were, I didn't cause my daughter's death.  I have to take some of the blame off of my shoulders if I am to survive this tragedy.  And, truly, my dream is to do more than survive - I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN!  I have done some hard work over the last two years.  I may not have all the answers I need yet - but, I am closer - and, days like today make me realize that I am no longer in a place where I am waiting to die - I want to  live.  I want to create a bucket list and live - do the things my daughter didn't get to do - spread her name through foreign countries - hear strangers speak her name.  As long as her memory is alive, I believe her purpose lives on.

Tomorrow is a new day and, I hope for another good day.  But, if it is not, I will, at least, have today to look back on - to remind there are better days - and, I am thankful for that knowledge.

NAMASTE....