(Tasha floating in the pool in 2010 - still had her perma-cath - so she couldn't get all the way in the water - but, she always had her chair.  Tash loved the pool and it really sucked to have that cath for almost 8 years and not be able to get into the water.)

All the pain - for what?

I continue to hear that there is a reason for everything - but, I still do not understand what all Tash's pain and suffering was for - I still do not understand what my suffering is for.  Tash suffered so much - and she deserved a break - is death her break?  It is certainly not mine - I miss her so much - and I just think continually of all the things I won't get to see her do.

All parents want to give their children a better life than they had growing up.  That was never truer than in my case.  But, the cards were stacked against me from the beginning.  That stupid kidney disease was present from the beginning - but, we never thought it would affect her.  After all, most people didn't even experience symptoms until their 40s.  But, as with everything else, we were not to experience what as typical.  Puberty sped up Tash's kidney failure - but, we never let it slow us down.  Should I have let it?  Did I push too hard?

December 10, 1999 - Transplant day.  We were never worried - never scared.  Should we have been?  Probably.  But, we just went in there like it was matter-of-fact and we had decided to kick its ass.  And, we did.  We had avoided dialysis and we sailed through the transplant.  There were a few hiccups after that - but, they were few and far between.  Six months to the day after the transplant, Tasha participated in the Transplant Games - kicking ass in track and winning 2 medals.  She even stepped outside her comfort zone, participating in the swimming competitions.  There were terrible side effects from the meds - we all hated them - Tash most of all.  But, she never let them stop her.  She kept her tears private from the world - I held as she cried - and fought my own tears in the process.  It was NOT fair.  It is awful the way an illness can come in and destroy a person, while taking away their pride and dignity.  But, we pressed on, and by the fall, Tash was back on the soccer field, active in church, and busy behind the scenes in the drama department.  She was amazing!  (I am not sure I told her that enough!)

She finished high school - got accepted into one of her top college picks - Florida State University.  At 17, my baby went away to college.  We were all so happy - the side effects were fading - we hadn't had any scares in a while - she was happy - life was good.

But, only for a while - we will never know why - but, Tash's kidney - MY KIDNEY - started to fail.  By the time we could get all the lab work together and the doctors to communicate, it was too late - the kidney was lost.  Now, we would really learn what hell was.  There would be no more sailing through - there would be no easy days - and kicking ass - this kidney disease was now going to turn our lives upside down and kick our ass.

This was to take my beautiful, confident girl who had already endured so much, and ravage her body, wreck her happiness, and leave us in fear for the next nine-and-a-half years of her life.  I fought for her - God knows I fought for her - I cried myself to sleep at night - but, during the day, I fought.  I became as educated about the kidney, the disease, dialysis, the meds, etc. as any nephrologist.  While Tash was hooked up to that dreaded machine that we had fought so hard to avoid the first time around, I read, I researched, I questioned the doctors and the nurses.  When she was awake, I worked my ass off to make her life as normal as possible - we played games, we talked on the long car rides back and forth to the hospital, we shopped - all the while, I was watching my baby girl disappear into the medical procedures and practices that would eventually weaken her body to the point where the will to fight became non-existent.

The rest of the story is long - but, it does deserve to be told - and it will be - eventually.  The story ends on January 7, 2012.  I still feel as if my own life ended on that day as well.  I fight - I try - but, I know the truth about how much that truly helps - in the end, it did not help Tash at all.  She suffered for nothing - and, I pushed her - "Keep fighting," I said - BUT, FOR WHAT???  It makes no sense to me now - I try to understand - but, I don't and I don't know if I ever will.

It's just another Saturday night, crossing off another week she has been gone.  I want to continue to tell her story - but, that is enough for the night.  For now, I want to look at her pictures and remember...

And, yes, I know (thanks for the emails reminding me) that I haven't talked about her birthday - it just seems that every time I start, I cannot finish - I am not ready - but, soon...