Tash LOVED Halloween!  She also loved working at Howl-O-Scream.  I was never sure why - but, as she got older, I have a feeling it was because she could hide.  Once she had on her costume and make-up, no one could see the side effects of all she had been through - the scars that she had on every part of her body except for one arm and one leg.  She was no longer the sick girl - she was bad-ass - the girl w/attitude.  SHE WAS SCARY!  And, nothing could scare her!

Who would have ever thought that this girl had to be hooked up to a machine six days a week to live?  She loved that time of the year more than any other.  After she died, all these people that she had worked with for the last five years showed up. They loved her - and, I understood why she loved them and her job.  These people accepted her and they loved her.  I am happy she had that for those years - and, I wish I had been more involved in that part of her life. 

But, I dread this time of year, now, as much as she loved it.  For this is the time of year she loved most.  She always found that lost energy - recovered her zest - and her love for life.  Tash always had a smile on her face, but, it was never bigger or brighter than it was the time that she worked at Howl-O-Scream every year.  That wasn't always true - but, in the last few years, with her health being her main focus, it became true - her only escape from the disease and its limitations. 

It's amazing - and terrible - how one death can create so many losses.  Even as you try to tally them up, there is no way to do it because something always pops up unexpectedly and creates a new offshoot to the already long and horrifying list.  There are all the lost days - the weddings, the birthdays, the holidays - the things you expect - but, then, there comes along the days that just made her happy - the thrill that you could hear in her voice when she made it through auditions - the laugh of when she tried on her "costume" for the season - and the look on her face in the pictures that she sent (even though, she was not supposed to) when they did her make-up for the first time. 

I really just don't know - I really don't - there just seems to be so much lost - and I am finding more things every day.  I try to think of all that she gained through her death - peace, no pain, eternity - but, I just don't know that it is enough to get me through the days that continue to come - maybe later...but, not right now...