What is YOUR "Why?"

WHY?????

On January 7, it will be four years since Tash died.  I have spent much of that time asking "why." 

- WHY did she die?

- WHY was she sick?

- WHY wasn't I there when she died?

- WHY didn't I do things differently?

- WHY didn't I call her that day?

- WHY couldn't she have been born healthy?

- WHY couldn't we have found her a donor?

- WHY couldn't I save her?

- WHY WHY WHY????

Last year, I began asking other questions that began with "why."

- WHY did I continue to live when Tasha died?

- WHY did I survive?

- WHY am I here?

Yes, they all kind of sound alike.  But, there MUST be a purpose for me to continue to breathe.  So, I began digging - reading, talking through more things in counseling, writing, meditating - whatever I could think of to do to find my purpose. I am not there yet.  But, I am closer.

As the new year arrived, I began making a list of possible reasons why I am still here and Tasha is not.  None of them take the pain of loss away - but, they have begun to give me hope.  They have made me think - made me more excited to get out of bed in the morning.

And, I am thankful for another chance at finding my purpose - I will always be Tasha's mom - but, now, I am working to find out who I am on my own.

NAMASTE...