It's almost 5 months now and as I re-read my journals, there is so much left unsaidq - so much to add and such raw emotion to process. As I look at my original promise to Tash, I am only more confused as to whether it's a promise I can break. But, is it a promise I can keep? I have 63 days to make these decisions - 63 days to decide how to best honor her - by being with her or staying here to work to keep her memory alive. I question so many things. I go to counseling and I love my counselor. But, what I say to her, must scare her - she always suggests the safe places for me and has made sure I understand the rules of the Baker Act. So, I am starting to try to find another way to process my questions because as much as I love sweet Susan, I am afraid to give her too much honesty - I am afraid my thoughts are not ones that can be processed through counting at this time. Trust is not something that comes easy to me. It is not that I do not want to trust - I do - but, I am not sure that I really know how to trust. I had one true love - one true trust and that was my baby - the one person that always accepted me as I am and that always loved me. On January 7, 2012, she left this world, leaving me alone, with nothing but questions left in my head. For the next 63 days, I will be working to answer some of these questions and to decide how best to honor my daughter...with my thoughts....or with my presence.