"So sad," people are saying...but, tomorrow, they will have moved on to another new topic and, in a week, few people will be talking about Robin Williams. But, for me, I look at it differently.
Every time someone commits suicide and I hear about it, it affects me profoundly. I think Robin Williams was brave - he knew when he had enough - and, instead of suffering any longer, he ended it. There will be no more sunrises of pain upon awakening - no more smiles pasted on to entertain others, while feeling the pain of depression ripping his insides out.
Oh, what sweet relief! I imagine that is what he felt once he took flight from this world. I fight everyday - I often think "How would people react when they hear the words: 'Tonja is dead...?'" I think about the looks on people's faces - what they would say - how they would react....BUT, those are not the things that keep me here - they are not the things that keep the fight in me going.
Lack of bravery holds me back...the not knowing what comes next...and, then there is that good old Southern Baptist upbringing...the one that drilled it into my head that I would go to Hell (Is there such a place that is worse than this time on Earth?), be eternally separated from Tash. My wish to end it all is combined with the desire to see Tasha - to wrap her in my arms again -- to hear her voice - to see her restored in a healthy body.
SN: Do you know how hard it is to hear over and over again that your thoughts are wrong - that you're headed to hell - that if, one day, you are brave enough to end your own pain, you will suffer pain eternally?? There was never a hand up or a breath of understanding - just a reminder of all the pain and the eternal hell...Maybe this is why "church" is so hard for me - I thought it was to help - it only served the purpose of shaming me....
But, Robin Williams - yeah, he was a funny guy. BUT, look back on YouTube at some of his interviews - watch the look of panic in his eyes when the topic becomes serious - that's not the face he showed to the public. He was there to make others laugh - he was an entertainer. But, like so many of us "funny/happy" people, that was his mask. There were demons behind the facade - demons that haunted his nights, but, were still there upon waking...
I won't be watching his movies for a while - it would be too heart-wrenching and in many ways, it would wake the jealousy in me - fly high, my brave friend - may the peace and contentment you were searching for show up and wrap its arms around you for eternity.
This is just a reminder for me...I am but one breath away from losing my battle daily....
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