Tell Me What to Say

By James Eugene Batchelor

 

You know I’ve lost a loved one and

you see my grief is strong

You hope to bring me comfort and

you fear to speak no wrong

We’ve all heard horror stories

of when people say wrong things

 

And we’ve all heard testimonies

of the bitterness it brings

It’s often someone close to us,

they mean to say their best

But then speak something hurtful 
and now they feel distressed
 

We rehearse the words we want to say

so deep within our heart

But when our turn approaches

we stumble from the start

So let me help you out my friend,

I’m here today for you

 

And I’ve found some words of wisdom
 

from the sorrow I’ve gone through

The fact you’re here brings comfort,

you need no longer fear

It’s enough to say you’re sorry and

enough to show you care

And as the days and weeks go by

and months turn into years

The grief may start to weaken

but it always will be there

 

So call once in a while

or just visit for the day

Because those simple acts of kindness

Are more than words can say

I love this - it is so true,  I am lucky to be blessed with many friends and family.  Not very many people have disappeared this year - and, if they have, I haven't really noticed - with the exception of ONE. 

All my life, I wanted a sister - my family, well, that's a LONG story, better told another day.  But, I always had a missing piece from my life and looked for that sister - through friends, family - but, I never found her....until I was 22 years old.  Through finding my birth-mother the year before, I found out I had always had a sister.  (Through finding my birth-parents, I found out I had five more brothers - but, only ONE sister.)  Over the last 22 years, I have fought for this relationship that I had wanted all my life.  It's been on-again/off-again - but, I never gave up.  A little over three years ago, my sister and I put our heads together, determined to make this relationship work.

In reading back through this, I realized I have known her half my life - it REALLY shouldn't be like this.  It makes me more sad to realize this amount of time has passed - HALF MY LIFE - and, I have nothing to show for it.  Sigh...

After all, we are sisters - life is short, and we certainly weren't getting any younger.  We committed to each other to talk it out - work it out - cry it out - fight it out - but, not to give up.  We were doing that and we were doing a pretty good job.  I should say that I love my sister - I am not sure she feels the same way - but, I like to think so.  I like to think our problems come from the fact that she is just not capable of being what I need to her be.  That lets it fall back into my lap.  It doesn't really matter whose fault it is - the hurt is still there and the results are still the same.

She was the first one I called when I heard Tash had died.  I called her on that horrible six-minute drive to Tash's apartment that night.  She showed up then - when I needed her.  After my visit a couple of weeks earlier, and her by my side after Tash died, I never thought anything could tear us apart.

I was wrong....

I don't know what happened...but, she left me...deserted me when I needed her most.  I guess it was too sad for her.  In my grief, I didn't have the strength to fight for our relationship...so I let go.  It's not easy...I miss her everyday...but, I guess we have to accept the life we have.  After Tash died, I heard about all the people that would disappear - I was braced for it - but, I was not braced for my sister to let me go when I needed her the most. 

I wish she had read this - I didn't need her to give me her life - just a shoulder, an ear, a soft place to land...but, I am learning to let her go...and, once I do, I am pretty sure there will be no going back.  I NEEDED her like I will never need her again....and, if she couldn't do this, how will I ever trust her with the rest?

 

In grief, you lose more than the one who dies...missing my sister tonight.

 

As always, I miss you, Tash...love you more..