Grief: A Mama's Unwanted Journey



Grief: A Mama's Unwanted Journey BY Shelley Ramsey

Shelley Ramsey gives a real voice to the grieving mother.  She uses her experience and shares how the death of her son, Joseph Ramsey, took her to the brink and how she worked to return to life.  This is the story of a family recovering after the death of a family member.  It is the story of a grieving mother learning to live again after burying her first-born.  She takes the reader through the trials and tribulations of learning to put a life back together after it has been ripped apart.  She does not preach or lecture, but, simply tells her story, giving hope to other grieving mothers.

As a grieving mother myself, I could relate to Shelley Ramsey’s story.  It is comforting to know that feelings and actions are not yours alone.  To know that others have gone through a loss like your own, have felt the same emotions, gone through the same struggles and come out on the other side is refreshing.  Her story is one that no parent should ever have to tell.  But Ramsey tells it with grace and dignity.  She tells it in such a way that it feels as if she is on the sofa holding your hand, helping you make it through your own struggles.  I wholeheartedly recommend this book to any grieving parent, especially to those just beginning this lifelong grieving that occurs when one loses a child.  Shelley Ramsey’s story is any parent’s nightmare and she provides that helping hand to any parent who follows her.



EYE OF THE STORM: Wheere Is God When Life Hurts? BY Alexander Kumpf

In Eye of the Storm, Alexander Kumpf puts forth the questions so many ask in the midst of a life storm – whether it be hunger, death, divorce, or illness.  In all of these things, the author encourages the reader not to blame God, but, to rely on him and trust Him.  Including stories from his own life, as well as Biblical support, Kumpf easily puts examples to the points he is making throughout the book.  Over and over, he supports his argument that God will never leave you and is never absent during life’s biggest storms. 

This short, easy-to-read book is the perfect one for those in the midst of their own storms and/or struggling with their faith.  For many, it would seem the book is too short or unorganized.  But, for those looking for answers, this is perfect.  There is not a lot of fluff – it is not written in a “preachy” way – it is straightforward and full of support that so many seem to be looking for these days.

There are many books written on this subject, and some may be better written or provide more information, I found this to be perfect for those in the midst of their own struggles.  I bought a couple of copies to carry when I travel, so that I can share with those I come in contact with when moved to do so. 





WHAT KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT by Pete Wilson

Pete Wilson is the senior pastor at Cross Point Church in Nashville, Tennessee.  Pete uses scripture to reassure and reaffirm what God has said.  He does this to encourage the reader to stop trying to figure it all for himself and hand it over to God. Through the revelation of biblical promises, Wilson reminds us that we are not in charge; we must trust God and put our faith in Him that he will handle all the things that are keeping us up at night.

Each chapter ends with a review, follow-up questions and an activity to keep the reader engaged.  This was my favorite part of the book.  I felt it sometimes jumped around, so I found myself jumping to the end of the chapter and reading the questions before I read the chapter.  It would help me focus. 

‘Waiting also helps us learn the vital lesson that just because a dream is delayed doesn’t mean it is denied.” I found this sentence to be the foundation and binding thought of this book.  I came back to it over and over again, writing it down, rereading it before bed, etc.  It is a reminder to take the focus off of myself and my wants and trust God that his will be done – in His time. 

While, at times, I struggled with the structure of the book, I enjoyed the anecdotes and personal stories, which often mirror my own life.  I am not sure I will sleep better at night, but, I am learning to trust and let God – and, I thank Pete Wilson for the reminder and the lessons to help me do so. 



Home again....

"In a world of such beauty as birds in flight, surely I can come to feel at home again, even after my loss." ~ Martha Whitmore Hickman

A "home" is where a family lives - it is where people commune to celebrate, to mourn, or simply to just be together.  "Homes" are full of families - like the one I used to have before my daughter died, taking so much of me with her.  But, that is the traditional/accepted meaning of home - I don't think it is the REAL meaning - the one that our hearts use to define home.  In my home, in the homes of others, standing in the middle of the street - for the last three years, it has not mattered where I am - I have struggled to feel at home. 

I have struggled to feel at home again since Tasha died -  it is often like my skin no longer fits my body - but, everyday, I try to make a few alterations to get it closer.  It will never fit like it did before - it is a garment of imperfection.  But, it is mine and in every imperfection, there is a memory of the very special girl I lost. 

We have made the decision to live overseas for a while.  And, it is funny - I feel more at home here than I did in my own home.  Perhaps because it is simpler - there are less reminders.  All in all, there is just less STUFF!  Without trying to, we have been living a very simplified life.  I am no longer surrounded by my things - by a to do list - or by people needing my time.  My brain, for the first time in over three years, is slowing down - I have had fewer nights of insomnia - and, although I have not been as consistent as I would like with my meditations, when I do it, I am finding it easier to focus - easier to clear my mind.

No, it is not perfect and it is not a permanent solution.  But, it is the space I need right now - as I have been at a standstill in the rebuilding of my life.  I have not made any earth-shattering decisions YET - but, I know that I am more ready than I have been to make those decisions.

 

I am learning that "home" is not the house I live - it is not the city, the state or the country.  Home is where I am - it is a state of acceptance.  It is the acceptance of all my flaws and imperfections - it is inside, where I learn to make peace with the past and the decisions I can not change.  Home is in my heart, where my daughter continues to live.  Whether I lay my head on the best pillow in the world or on a park bench, I am learning to be at home with myself.   

 

 

NAMASTE...

Three years later...

 

Three years after the loss of my daughter, my only child - and the fog has cleared a lot.  That's the good news - the bad news is that, in its absence, it has left room for many other emotions...namely guilt. 

 

 

I fight that feeling a lot.  In my heart, I know that I went above and beyond for my daughter in many ways.  But, when I am weak, my brain attacks, reminding me of all the ways I let her down - the moments I was frustrated with her, the times I didn't meet her expectations, the moments of impatience, flare-ups of temper and that last promise I made to her - that she wasn't going to die.

 

 

I hope she knows that I would have done anything to keep her here - ANYTHING!!!  I gave her life in 1984 - and, again in 1999, when I gave her one of my kidneys - I would have done anything for her to not suffer - to have a better life - just to have a LIFE!!!!



So, as I continue to move forward into the real world -

out of the fog -

 I must listen to my truth -

I must separate my thoughts -

Truth or lies -

As I let go of the guilt, I must more forward...

Now, what will my passion be?

Where do my true vulnerabilities lie?

What will free me completely from the darkness?

-----------

These truths will allow me to step into my own truth -

While honoring and respecting my lifelong grief....

I can also live, creating a life of worth...

Because...no matter who I was...

Who I am...

No matter how my grief has defined me...

I am still me...

AND I do deserve a life worth living!

 

 

NAMASTE....

 

BELLA’S GIFT by Karen & Rick Santorum

Rick and Karen Santorum’s story of their journey with their daughter, Bella, is a story of faith and love.  It’s a love story filled with examples of true love and dedication – to each other, to their family, and to their faith.  When Bella is born with Trisomy 18, Karen, a nurse turned stay-at-home mom, becomes her biggest cheerleader.  Despite doctors’ dire predictions and the fact that 90% of children born with Trisomy 18 do not survive, Karen was determined to keep Bella alive.  Not only does she fight for her life, but, for a life filled with love, happiness, comfort, and purpose.  Rick and Karen provide an honest view of their struggles, as well as their successes.

Bella’s story captures the attention and heart of all who read it.  As she has defied the odds, she has moved into the hearts of many, who continue to hold her up in love and prayer as her journey continues.  Woven through Bella’s story is the story of her parents.  It is admirable that a man serving in the political realm is able to keep god first and family second – Rick does this not only through words, but through his actions.  Karen holds the other children together at home, while supporting her husband and caring for Bella’s day-to-day needs.  Reading the book provides a new respect for  the Santorum family.  It is not often that such a family is brought to the forefront of the consciousness of the public.  It cannot be as easy for a family in the public eye to decide to publish their story for the world while knowing there will be those who judge them harshly for their decisions and criticize them for the choices they have made. 

I loved this book and the Santorum’s story.  I am thankful for the opportunity to see into their lives and am hopeful to carry on with some of the strength they have shown.



MAKE IT HAPPEN

MAKE IT HAPPEN: Surrender Your Fear and Take the Leap Live on Purpose BY Lara Casey

 

In this book, Lara Casey urges the reader to step out of his comfort zone and to begin living with purpose.  The book is an action plan for taking back one’s life and beginning to really live, not just exist.  It includes questions to get started with – kind of like a workbook and links to motivational tools to help along the way.

This book is so motivating and inspiring.  Lara Casey includes steps of her own journey, including the ones she took backward.  It challenged me – as I read through the questions to answer, I often found myself stumped, finding myself so buried in the “stuff” of everyday life that I realized I was missing out on purposeful living.  Pushing through the activities, setting goals and starting on a plan that is biblically supported is exciting and inspiring, as evidenced by Casey’s own story.

I would definitely recommend this book to others, especially if one is at the point of wondering what’s next.  If one is looking to get out of the rut in which he is living, to step out of the rat race, to move social media to the backseat of life, this book is for you!