Home again....

"In a world of such beauty as birds in flight, surely I can come to feel at home again, even after my loss." ~ Martha Whitmore Hickman

A "home" is where a family lives - it is where people commune to celebrate, to mourn, or simply to just be together.  "Homes" are full of families - like the one I used to have before my daughter died, taking so much of me with her.  But, that is the traditional/accepted meaning of home - I don't think it is the REAL meaning - the one that our hearts use to define home.  In my home, in the homes of others, standing in the middle of the street - for the last three years, it has not mattered where I am - I have struggled to feel at home. 

I have struggled to feel at home again since Tasha died -  it is often like my skin no longer fits my body - but, everyday, I try to make a few alterations to get it closer.  It will never fit like it did before - it is a garment of imperfection.  But, it is mine and in every imperfection, there is a memory of the very special girl I lost. 

We have made the decision to live overseas for a while.  And, it is funny - I feel more at home here than I did in my own home.  Perhaps because it is simpler - there are less reminders.  All in all, there is just less STUFF!  Without trying to, we have been living a very simplified life.  I am no longer surrounded by my things - by a to do list - or by people needing my time.  My brain, for the first time in over three years, is slowing down - I have had fewer nights of insomnia - and, although I have not been as consistent as I would like with my meditations, when I do it, I am finding it easier to focus - easier to clear my mind.

No, it is not perfect and it is not a permanent solution.  But, it is the space I need right now - as I have been at a standstill in the rebuilding of my life.  I have not made any earth-shattering decisions YET - but, I know that I am more ready than I have been to make those decisions.

 

I am learning that "home" is not the house I live - it is not the city, the state or the country.  Home is where I am - it is a state of acceptance.  It is the acceptance of all my flaws and imperfections - it is inside, where I learn to make peace with the past and the decisions I can not change.  Home is in my heart, where my daughter continues to live.  Whether I lay my head on the best pillow in the world or on a park bench, I am learning to be at home with myself.   

 

 

NAMASTE...

Three years later...

 

Three years after the loss of my daughter, my only child - and the fog has cleared a lot.  That's the good news - the bad news is that, in its absence, it has left room for many other emotions...namely guilt. 

 

 

I fight that feeling a lot.  In my heart, I know that I went above and beyond for my daughter in many ways.  But, when I am weak, my brain attacks, reminding me of all the ways I let her down - the moments I was frustrated with her, the times I didn't meet her expectations, the moments of impatience, flare-ups of temper and that last promise I made to her - that she wasn't going to die.

 

 

I hope she knows that I would have done anything to keep her here - ANYTHING!!!  I gave her life in 1984 - and, again in 1999, when I gave her one of my kidneys - I would have done anything for her to not suffer - to have a better life - just to have a LIFE!!!!



So, as I continue to move forward into the real world -

out of the fog -

 I must listen to my truth -

I must separate my thoughts -

Truth or lies -

As I let go of the guilt, I must more forward...

Now, what will my passion be?

Where do my true vulnerabilities lie?

What will free me completely from the darkness?

-----------

These truths will allow me to step into my own truth -

While honoring and respecting my lifelong grief....

I can also live, creating a life of worth...

Because...no matter who I was...

Who I am...

No matter how my grief has defined me...

I am still me...

AND I do deserve a life worth living!

 

 

NAMASTE....

 

BELLA’S GIFT by Karen & Rick Santorum

Rick and Karen Santorum’s story of their journey with their daughter, Bella, is a story of faith and love.  It’s a love story filled with examples of true love and dedication – to each other, to their family, and to their faith.  When Bella is born with Trisomy 18, Karen, a nurse turned stay-at-home mom, becomes her biggest cheerleader.  Despite doctors’ dire predictions and the fact that 90% of children born with Trisomy 18 do not survive, Karen was determined to keep Bella alive.  Not only does she fight for her life, but, for a life filled with love, happiness, comfort, and purpose.  Rick and Karen provide an honest view of their struggles, as well as their successes.

Bella’s story captures the attention and heart of all who read it.  As she has defied the odds, she has moved into the hearts of many, who continue to hold her up in love and prayer as her journey continues.  Woven through Bella’s story is the story of her parents.  It is admirable that a man serving in the political realm is able to keep god first and family second – Rick does this not only through words, but through his actions.  Karen holds the other children together at home, while supporting her husband and caring for Bella’s day-to-day needs.  Reading the book provides a new respect for  the Santorum family.  It is not often that such a family is brought to the forefront of the consciousness of the public.  It cannot be as easy for a family in the public eye to decide to publish their story for the world while knowing there will be those who judge them harshly for their decisions and criticize them for the choices they have made. 

I loved this book and the Santorum’s story.  I am thankful for the opportunity to see into their lives and am hopeful to carry on with some of the strength they have shown.



MAKE IT HAPPEN

MAKE IT HAPPEN: Surrender Your Fear and Take the Leap Live on Purpose BY Lara Casey

 

In this book, Lara Casey urges the reader to step out of his comfort zone and to begin living with purpose.  The book is an action plan for taking back one’s life and beginning to really live, not just exist.  It includes questions to get started with – kind of like a workbook and links to motivational tools to help along the way.

This book is so motivating and inspiring.  Lara Casey includes steps of her own journey, including the ones she took backward.  It challenged me – as I read through the questions to answer, I often found myself stumped, finding myself so buried in the “stuff” of everyday life that I realized I was missing out on purposeful living.  Pushing through the activities, setting goals and starting on a plan that is biblically supported is exciting and inspiring, as evidenced by Casey’s own story.

I would definitely recommend this book to others, especially if one is at the point of wondering what’s next.  If one is looking to get out of the rut in which he is living, to step out of the rat race, to move social media to the backseat of life, this book is for you!

Limitless....

 

 

This grief is so unpredictable.  One of the worse things it does for us bereaved parents is to implant fear.  Sure there are the unanswered questions it leaves - but, for me, the fear is worse.  I used to not be scared.  But, now, I find I am scared of almost everything - people, crowds, decisions, new experiences, traveling, leaving the house, getting up in the morning and, as usual, the list goes on. 

 

 

I discover new fears every day - as always, grief is the "gift" that just keeps on giving. 

 

 

Most days, I am able to push through the fear now.  But, there are still those days where the fear wins - not as often as in the beginning - but, it's still there.  In the beginning, I seldom got out of bed.  I ignored the ringing phone.  I missed appointments - I skipped work.  I was just too afraid. 

 

 

Now, some days, I can see the sun...feel the hope....

 

Before Tash died, I always had insecurities, but, never the time to dwell on them.  I was too busy being Tasha's mom.  Between being "one of those" teachers who was on 24/7 and keeping up with Tash and her illness, I seldom had the time to look in the mirror, let alone contemplate my shortcomings.

 

 

But, now, having lost Tash and left my job, I have nothing but time to contemplate anything and everything - and with a nonstop brain, it is a full-time job.  I question EVERYTHING!  I cannot make a decision to save my life - what shoes will I wear?  What is for dinner?  What is my purpose?  Is the sky really blue?  The question and its importance - or lack of - doesn't matter - I simply struggle to make a decision these days.  I made all the decisions when it came to Tash and her healthcare - and look where that got me. 

 

So, here I am, struggling with the woman in the mirror.  I think I like her - but, she is definitely a work in progress. 

 

Now, that I have time to think, I see ALL my flaws and they are so numerous that they are paralyzing.  But, I know with time and work, I can come to terms with most of these.  Everyday, I work to get closer.  The work is never easy, but is it supposed to be?



 

So, I get up each morning, I make myself a cup of tea, I meditate and do my best to have a productive day.  I have learned not to feel guilty about doing things for myself - for taking care of myself - and, most of the time, I am okay with that.  I miss knowing what my purpose is and I am working to find a purpose now that I am no longer just "Tasha's mom" or a teacher.  I am learning to like my own company - I am learning to say what I think without worrying about the judgment. Much of it is strange and uncomfortable, like it is not my skin I am living in....but, it is forward movement and that is something to be thankful for.

 

I am learning that I am enough....

 

NAMASTE....



 

What thought makes you happy?

Grieving is hard work. And, sometimes to get out of the funk, we have to do something different - something outside of our comfort zone.

So, when you're feeling like this, trying to think of a happy though is hard work.  But, today, I will do it. My one thought that makes me smile about my future today is:

I'm learning to live again and I'm excited to see where I'm going to live and explore.

I miss Tash, but, for today, I'm going to try to focus on my future - not that I love or miss her any less - but, there must be some reason for me still being here.  

Can you change your thoughts?

CAN YOU CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS? 

I wonder about that a lot - especially on my sleepless nights. When I get one of those "thoughts" in my head, I try to tell myself not to think about it - BUT, WHAT HAPPENS????? I can think of nothing else!  

So, in my "free time" over the last few days, I have been reading articles on brain chemistry - particularly on how the brain can be "re-wired." Apparently, a change in thoughts and a practice of doing so can "re-wire" our brains.

No, it won't erase our children from our memories - it won't wipe out our past - it won't make every day bright and perfect.  But, it can help.  It's not easy - in other words, there is WORK to do - but, it can be done - certainly, not overnight... But, with hard work - consistent work - we can work our way back to a life closer to happy that where we are right now.  Our lives will never be what they were - we will never hold our children or hear their voices again.  

However, we can start simply...make one change...make it in to a habit...then build on it....

Maybe we can find a way to not be miserable every morning that we wake up and the nightmare continues.  Maybe, we can find a way to laugh and feel happy and it not just be a mask.  

What if every morning, we just said "thank you" when we wake up and we did it for thirty days?  What if we spoke or wrote down three things we were thankful for every night for thirty days?  Wouldn't it be a start?  And, a start is what we need as we live outside our comfort zones - one day at a time - one foot in front of the other...

I'll go first...Today, I am thankful for....

1 - My husband 

2 - The 27 years I had with Tasha 

3 - The people who love me just the way I am!

Now, what about YOU? 

NAMASTE....,