HAPPIEST LIFE: Seven Gifts, Seven Givers & The Secret to Genuine Happiness BY Hugh Hewitt

 

 

Hugh Hewitt's presentation of the seven gifts and givers takes one's eyes off the materialism that is so prevalent in today's society.  The REAL gifts are not shoes and electronics, they are encouragement, energy, enthusiasm, empathy, good humor, graciousness, and gratitude.  These are gifts that cost nothing, but, are priceless to the receiver. 

 

The givers - the spouse, the parent, family members, friends, the coworker, teachers, and the church - these are the people to turn to when in need of the above gifts.  These people provide the foundation of our happiness.  It is not without effort that we build a life of happiness - but, the destination is definitely worth the journey.

 

The first two-thirds of this book were spell-binding and chock full of information that so many need these days.  The last third of the book seems more anecdotal than informational.  However, the information is still great, providing living examples of a life well-lived, giving God, the most generous giver, the credit. 

 

Throughout the book, Hewitt gently guides the reader in the direction of finding and being his/her best self.  It is through letting go of self and embracing the needs of others that one's true purpose is found.  With the discovery of purpose and the ability to sympathize and empathize - two totally different things - happiness often floats in. 

 

Hewitt provides great direction and motivation to his readers to really dig deep and follow-through to finding the path to living their "happiest life."

Great advice...

"Because I'm so honest, it's hard for me to pretend everything's fine when it's not. As a kid, I wish I'd been allowed to think it was okay to admit things were not fine. I think it's unfair to grow up thinking that when your gut is saying things don't seem like they're fine, you think, 'Well, I'm wrong and I can't trust my feelings because the only feelings I'm allowed to have are really happy feelings.'  That's just not okay."

---Ellen DeGeneres

I could have written those words and applied them to my life. I'm learning now to embrace my gut feelings and trust my thoughts. It's never too late...still learning...

Today was a successful day in keeping guilt at bay...

If you're in the midst of grief, I urge you to find one thing TODAY that you can do for someone else.  It doesn't have to be big - you don't have to talk to them.  Smile at someone.  Find another grieving parent and send them a note or a card.  Drop some flowers off at the local assisted living facility.  OR DO IT BIG!!!  Just for one moment, step out of yourself...don't be scared...your grief will still be there when you get back.  You can still wrap yourself in it.

But, just doing this one small thing may give you a glimmer of light at the end of the long tunnel of grief.  It's been just a little over twenty-five months for me - I still have a long way to go.  But, oh those glimmers!!! I have such high hope for those glimmers.

My life will never be the same - how could it, without my only child - the love of my life - by my side?  I have never been an adult without her until January 7, 2012.  I have no idea who I am without her.  But, I am trying to figure it out - I am learning who I am.  Being Tasha's mom was my greatest accomplishment - nothing will ever detract from that.  But, now without her, I must FIGHT to find my way to my true self.  Who am I without Tash?

I wish I could answer that question for you now.  But, I am not there yet.  Stick with me - I will stick with you - we can do this together!  I know Tasha fought to live and for that reason alone, I have to fight to do the same thing.

Namaste...

www.facebook.com/TashasGiftInc

THE WALL AROUND YOUR HEART by Mary DeMuth

I had high hopes when I received this book. My "wall" had been the topic of my thoughts and conversations lately. While not answering all my questions, it certainly addressed many of my issues. DeMuth writes in a way that is thought-provoking, as well as encouraging. 

Drawing from her own trauma-filled past, she acknowledges the building blocks of her wall, allowing her to connect with her readers on a deep and personal level. Including her own faults and failures makes this more than a preachy, how-to-be-perfect-like-me self-help book.  It humanizes her.  She makes it okay to move backwards in the process of moving forward.  Sharing her strategy of prayer for deconstructing the wall is helpful, but, going as far as to share some of her personal prayers is even better.  It's as if she is taking her readers by the hand and working with them to help them deconstruct their own walls.

Through life's challenges and often painful times, it is easy to build the wall, as so many do.  Putting up the wall of safety and isolation is the easy part. Re-emerging as the wall is taken down proves more difficult.  Have a real-life example, as well as the biblical examples included by DeMuth, will provide guidance for those attempting to take down the wall around their hearts and re-engage with life and society to discover a world of love and hope.  

Beating the guilt...

110 Weeks....

I can't believe it's been that long....Yet, in many ways, it still feels like yesterday.

How many times have I said those words?

My posts seem to get farther in between, but, the truth is - I am still writing - just not much is publishable - who wants to read a bunch of whining and self-pity?

The last few weeks have been full - I have been on some wonderful trips - I have spent time with family - I have lost friends who broke my trust (& my heart) - but, most importantly, I have been working on ME!

When your child dies, you grieve - but, so much of the time, the grief is accompanied by guilt.  Guilt is sneaky - it sneaks up behind you and drops a black net over your head - a net from which there is no escape.  I have decided to work in an attempt to beat guilt at its own game.  I have been reading - researching - watching - talking...it has been the number one subject in counseling.

I have mentioned before that I worked really hard to parent in such a way that there would be no guilt if something happened.  Always knowing in my heart that I would outlive Tash, this was important to me.  But, once she died, I could think of hundreds of things to be guilty for - I could see every mistake clearly - every slight was suddenly a boulder of guilt for me to carry.

But, as time goes on and I work on this, I know that guilt does not serve me or my grief.  Guilt takes away from Tash's life - it puts the focus on her death - the day of her death - and, lets all the wonderful times and memories be forgotten while I focus on myself and my guilt. 

Iyanla Vanzant say that guilt is a wasted emotion.  I agree with that - maybe it can be a barometer in some situations, but, for a grieving parent, in MOST cases, it really does not have a place.  What do we have to feel guilty for?  Wouldn't we have done ANYTHING we could have done to save our children?  Wouldn't we have given our lives for theirs?  How can we feel guilty for that?

Sure, there are parents who have made mistakes -- who have caused their child's death.  But, that is the minority. 

For the rest of us, we must work to celebrate our children's lives - my child lived  10,026 days - LIVED!!!! - she only died on one of those days!  How can I let that day be the determiner for my future, when she fought so hard to live the other 10, 025 days?????

It's a process - if you are a grieving parent, be kind to yourself - life has been hard enough...I salute you for trying to live another day...for walking this walk with me...for trying to find your purpose without your child....they still deserve us fighting for them....Namaste

American Idol....a premiere....a reminder

 

I am kind of sad tonight, so I am trying to focus on good memories.  American Idol, as weird as it sounds, is a trigger for me, I guess.  Tash LOVED American Idol.  The only shows she liked more was Doctor Who and Big Brother.  Whatever she watched, she was ALL in!

We watched - we judged - we made predictions.  There was no one who Tash loved more than Clay Aiken.  OMG - she was in love with him  When she found out he was gay, she was devastated - she always called him her husband.  But gay or not, she loved his music and continued to love him, even if she did have to give up on the idea of marrying him.  I cannot tell you how many times we went to see him in concert.  We saw him with the American Idol tour, on his own, with Kelly Clarkson, doing his Christmas show, and, last time with Ruben Studdard. 

I've uploaded all of her Clay Aiken CDs onto my iPod.  I liked him before - but,  now when I hear him sing, I imagine I can hear Tasha singing along.  Every time we saw him, I heard her sing as much as I heard him. 

As the sign instructed, Tash always sang as though no one could hear her.  Secret is - it wasn't always pretty.  We had a joke that her high notes could make my eyes hurt until they were almost bleeding (not too much of a joke sometimes - they could be painful!)  But, it never stopped her.  She loved music - and she loved to sing.  She had thousands of songs on her ipod.  She collected a lot of things - but, music was her biggest collection.  There isn't a genre of music around that's not included in her collection.  That is one of the reasons she liked Idol so much.

I just miss her....

Advice for the Grieving....

How many times are we given advice about how to grieve???  I am here to tell you that there is NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE!!!!  I am sure you have figured that out. If you're anything like me, though, sometimes you question yourself after receiving some of that well-meaning advice. 

I've been doing some volunteering with hospice and I think I learn so much being there. I've learned there are so many ways to grieve and so many ways to show love. After Tasha died, my sister-in-law made my bed every day while she was here. It seems like such a small thing - but, it was huge to me - and, it was such a loving thing to do. It's those little things that carry us. I wish I could have learned this without losing my daughter. I feel better about a lot of things since I have been volunteering there. If I could give you any advice, it would be to step out of yourself and your grief for one day - volunteer some where, read to a child, drive for Meals on Wheels, sit w/an elderly neighbor, mentor a high school student - ANYTHING!!!!  Start small - one hour every couple of weeks!  I promise it will make a difference. I know Hospice isn't for everyone - but, it's been a wonderful experience for me. It gives me the opportunity to focus on someone else's needs and that is a blessing! 

Never doubt where help can come from - be open!!!! My dog is having problems and will not be with us much longer. Unlike the sudden loss of Tasha, I have time to prepare to lose Jake. I am reading books about animal loss and the grief that accompanies it. (I'm a reader - an information collector - after Tash died, I read every book I could get my hands on!    Not much of it helped, but just like when Tash was sick, being informed helped me cope.) I think I have learned more about grief from the books on animals than I ever did in any of the other books I have read. Soooo, BE OPEN - you never know where you will find something to ease your pain. 

Today was another good day - no tears - thoughts of good memories filled my mind when I thought of Tash. As I spend time w/Jake, I'm reminded of all the good times Tash had with her animals through the years - how much she loved them. I'm thankful for this day - for those memories. I'm thankful for the twenty-seven years I had with Tash - I am thankful for all the laughs we shared. I'm thankful that I was blessed with her!!! 

NAMASTE