Some days, the pain is stronger than the will to keep going is...

I am still here....

It's been months since I have published anything personal.  I continue to write daily, but when I read back over what I have written, I often see it as too personal to share - too depressing to share.  But, I am still here.  I am pushing on after a rough couple of months.  But, YES, I am still here!

It's been 199 weeks, 4 days, 19 hours and 53 minutes since my daughter took her last breath.  We are getting close to four years - and, I have said it before - feels like yesterday - feels like 100 years ago -

But, as the holidays get closer, I would just like to encourage those who know a grieving parent to reach out to them...make a phone call...send a card...invite them to lunch...JUST REACH OUT!!!  There is nothing that means more than another human reaching out to you when you are grieving your child.  I have been blessed by incredible friends and family who have never left me alone.  But, then there are those who turned their backs and/or walked away.  It has been amazing to see who has stepped into their places and carried me through some of the worst days of my life.

I know in our society we do not often know how to acknowledge grief - it makes us uncomfortable, as if it might be contagious.  But, the expectation of a grieving parent is low - all it takes is a kind word, a free ear and/or a hug to remind them they are still vital and there is still purpose.  This is especially true of as we often lose our purpose when we lose our children.  I was always Tasha's mom - and a teacher - those are the two things that defined me.  I know I am still Tasha's mom - but, without her here, I realized I had no thought of who else I might be and I am still figuring it out.

SO, as we enter the holiday season, remember the grieving parent - she/he is often wearing a mask with a smile - trying to make others feel comfortable - while screaming with pain on the inside.  Please be patient with us - we are fragile - our wings have been broken.  Make that call - extend that hand of friendship - you will not be sorry, for a grieving parent never forgets the kindness from those who reached out ---

NAMASTE

BATHSHEBA: Bathed in Grace BY Carol Cook

Carol Cook provides new perspective from eight women in the Bible.  Using God’s forgiveness and grace as a central theme, Cook retells the stories of “scandalous” women.  Giving thoughts and motives to their actions, the reader sees the women in a new light.  One example is Eve – Cook, in providing her way of thinking shows Eve as the true innocent she was.  She also provides the story of how the suffering God promised is fulfilled through childbirth to the death of one of her sons.  But, she never gives up on her relationship with God, as it carries her through the settlement outside of Eden through the birth of more sons.  A new dimension is added to the women so many thought of as bad or scandalous.

This book was a good read and a new perspective on stories that I have heard and read most of my life.  I enjoyed this insight to these women.  This would be a great book to introduce to a Bible study.  It is a wonderful addition to the stories that so many have heard and passed judgment on in previous readings.  I really liked it and would love to read more stories like this and share them with those who struggle with the reading of the Bible – to add a personal touch to and ease the reading for many.  I look forward to reading more stories like this in the future – I really enjoyed Carol Cook’s interpretation of the stories of these eight women from the Bible. 



NEVER SAID by Carol Lynch Williams

 

Born twins, Sarah and Annie couldn’t be more different.  Annie, the outgoing beauty queen is completely opposite from her sister, Sarah, the anxious young woman who fears everything in her world.  Annie has decided she no longer wants to be recognized for her beauty and has turned away from the life that has always brought her happiness.  She is struggling and trying to find her way on her own.  Sarah, though she seems to be afraid of her own shadow, has the opportunity to save her sister and perhaps, has a chance to reunite her entire family.

Divided into days of a week instead of chapters, the suspense builds as each new day starts.  The story is engaging and one not easily put down, reading the clues and guessing what is going to happen next.  I really connected to the characters, cheering for Sarah with each step forward, groaning inwardly when she has a setback.  As Annie and Sarah move toward strengthening their relationship and reconnecting, it is a step toward the reestablishment of a family, a step we need to see in our society today.  I found the characters pulling me into their world.  I was not only entertained, I was emotionally tugged into this book.  The book is well-written – the characters are well-developed.  It is a book that as a former teacher, I would have been proud to include on my bookshelves in my classroom.

Grief: A Mama's Unwanted Journey



Grief: A Mama's Unwanted Journey BY Shelley Ramsey

Shelley Ramsey gives a real voice to the grieving mother.  She uses her experience and shares how the death of her son, Joseph Ramsey, took her to the brink and how she worked to return to life.  This is the story of a family recovering after the death of a family member.  It is the story of a grieving mother learning to live again after burying her first-born.  She takes the reader through the trials and tribulations of learning to put a life back together after it has been ripped apart.  She does not preach or lecture, but, simply tells her story, giving hope to other grieving mothers.

As a grieving mother myself, I could relate to Shelley Ramsey’s story.  It is comforting to know that feelings and actions are not yours alone.  To know that others have gone through a loss like your own, have felt the same emotions, gone through the same struggles and come out on the other side is refreshing.  Her story is one that no parent should ever have to tell.  But Ramsey tells it with grace and dignity.  She tells it in such a way that it feels as if she is on the sofa holding your hand, helping you make it through your own struggles.  I wholeheartedly recommend this book to any grieving parent, especially to those just beginning this lifelong grieving that occurs when one loses a child.  Shelley Ramsey’s story is any parent’s nightmare and she provides that helping hand to any parent who follows her.



EYE OF THE STORM: Wheere Is God When Life Hurts? BY Alexander Kumpf

In Eye of the Storm, Alexander Kumpf puts forth the questions so many ask in the midst of a life storm – whether it be hunger, death, divorce, or illness.  In all of these things, the author encourages the reader not to blame God, but, to rely on him and trust Him.  Including stories from his own life, as well as Biblical support, Kumpf easily puts examples to the points he is making throughout the book.  Over and over, he supports his argument that God will never leave you and is never absent during life’s biggest storms. 

This short, easy-to-read book is the perfect one for those in the midst of their own storms and/or struggling with their faith.  For many, it would seem the book is too short or unorganized.  But, for those looking for answers, this is perfect.  There is not a lot of fluff – it is not written in a “preachy” way – it is straightforward and full of support that so many seem to be looking for these days.

There are many books written on this subject, and some may be better written or provide more information, I found this to be perfect for those in the midst of their own struggles.  I bought a couple of copies to carry when I travel, so that I can share with those I come in contact with when moved to do so. 





WHAT KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT by Pete Wilson

Pete Wilson is the senior pastor at Cross Point Church in Nashville, Tennessee.  Pete uses scripture to reassure and reaffirm what God has said.  He does this to encourage the reader to stop trying to figure it all for himself and hand it over to God. Through the revelation of biblical promises, Wilson reminds us that we are not in charge; we must trust God and put our faith in Him that he will handle all the things that are keeping us up at night.

Each chapter ends with a review, follow-up questions and an activity to keep the reader engaged.  This was my favorite part of the book.  I felt it sometimes jumped around, so I found myself jumping to the end of the chapter and reading the questions before I read the chapter.  It would help me focus. 

‘Waiting also helps us learn the vital lesson that just because a dream is delayed doesn’t mean it is denied.” I found this sentence to be the foundation and binding thought of this book.  I came back to it over and over again, writing it down, rereading it before bed, etc.  It is a reminder to take the focus off of myself and my wants and trust God that his will be done – in His time. 

While, at times, I struggled with the structure of the book, I enjoyed the anecdotes and personal stories, which often mirror my own life.  I am not sure I will sleep better at night, but, I am learning to trust and let God – and, I thank Pete Wilson for the reminder and the lessons to help me do so.