Good days - bad days...

 

 

Nothing is the same....

 

There are good days - there are bad days...

 

Yesterday was a good one...today, not so much...

 

Sometimes, I think that I pay for every good day with a pretty awful day...

 



But, after all the struggling, all the work, I am finally finding room to breathe...
Even on the bad days, I can find my breath...

I know the best of life has passed me by...
but, there is still much good to be had...

Here's to the tomorrows...

NAMASTE...

 

Three years ago...

It was three years ago today when I last saw your face...three years since I felt your skin and held your cold, lifeless body in my arms. 

Tash, I'm trying so hard to keep going.  Some days, I think I'm making progress.  But, other days, I'm just not so sure. I just keep trying new things - staying so busy - always trying to outrun the grief. But, I know that's not possible - but, it doesn't stop me from trying. 

I still don't understand why you left me - why you didn't fight just a little harder ...a little longer...You said 2012 was going to be your year.  I just don't understand. Your transplant could have come...you were eleven more work days from graduation...it was going to be your year....

And, then like a puff of smoke, it was all gone....in the time it took for your heart to stop, it all ended...your hopes, goals, and dreams...and my life.

I'll try again tomorrow...

NAMASTE...

 

 

I am a flyer...

a risk-taker...

a chance-taker...

a rebel...

a mover...

a shaker...

a fixer...

a lover...

a seeker...

all because of my loss...

grief has changed everything....



January 7 was Tasha's 3rd Angelversary...

I learned a lot that day - I learned that I have to accept that people are letting go - forgetting - moving on.  Oh, I knew they would - I REALLY did!  But, I was not ready for it, though.  But, now, I know and I have to make some decisions...

- I have to make my peace with the fact that people are moving on.  I'm not sure how I will do that yet - but, I will.  There will probably be a lot of meditation and counseling in my future to make this happen.  After all, isn't that the one constant in life?  It goes on...

- I do NOT have to let go!  I can move forward with my life without letting go.  I can include Tash in my life and I can do so without guilt.  Sure, that might thin the crowd some, but, I am willing to take that chance.

- I cannot be mad at people who forget the date.  How many of my friends have lost family members and I did not do any more than send the perfunctory card?  I did not pay attention to the date and often didn't give it more than a thought or two after I had sent the card - UNTIL I lost Tash! Now, I still send the card - but, I remember the dates - I make the time to check-in - however, I still don't make those phone calls.

- I cannot control the world - only my little corner of it .  And, sometimes, I cannot even control that!  But, it is time to start to relax (My blood pressure demands that!) and to let go of the things I cannot control - and there are many.  I made a list last week - but, that will have to come at a later time, before I get too off-track here. 

So, this year, I will not focus on the 44 people who RSVP'ed for Tasha's balloon release - I will not focus on only the 14 who showed up (although, I love them for their effort and love!).  I will try not to focus on the people who forgot what the day was (with the exception of my sister - she does not get a pass!).  As I read back over that, I realize I have a lot of work ahead of me! 

So, my goal for the year is to love those that remember, treasure them for giving their time, their love and anything else that comes my way.  Holding on to the rest is a waste of everyone's time.  I love Tash - I always will and I know her friends family did, as well.  But, life does go on and I am willing to let them live their lives - I just hope that the time never comes when they don't think of her every once in while - may she dance through their dreams now and then - may they get that feeling of deja vu every now and then and it take them back to a memory of Tash.  Just to hear her name keeps her here...and, if it has to be, I will be glad to be the one singing it from the treetops. 

NAMASTE.....

 

WALK TO BEAUTIFUL:The Power of Love and a Homeless Kid Who Found the Way 

           BY Jimmy Wayne

 

 

 

Country music singer, Jimmy Wayne, emerged from the foster care and juvenile justice system with the strength to follow his dream.  When he found success, he never forgot from where he got his strength.  In 2010, to bring awareness to the foster care system and the lost children who age out of the system, Wayne decided to walk halfway across America.  Along the way, he caught the attention of people who had no idea of this problem in our country.  Today, Jimmy Wayne continues to call attention to the plight of so many young people while following his dream.

Living through Jimmy Wayne’s struggle as he tells his story is heart-breaking.  However, throughout his story, he calls attention to others – some who were also struggling - some who touched his life, allowing him to keep his hope alive. 

Working with young people certainly has kept me on my toes and opened my eyes to the struggles of so many.  But, for others, Wayne puts a face to the struggle, allowing the reader to step away from the stereotypes and see the child who is left to suffer. 

As Wayne makes it through his childhood and begins his transition to Nashville, the reader is cheering for his success.  His story does not allow the reader to sit on the sidelines or to stay uninvolved.  Thanks to Wayne’s message, many young people will receive the help they need and be given the opportunity to follow their own dreams.



I miss everything...

I miss my daughter...I miss my sister and the relationship I thought we were building...I miss my best friend who has made me feel less than important..I miss the easiness of my relationship with my husband...I miss everything about my old life...

Today, I just feel broken...and, I'm going to give into the feeling...just for today...

NEVER EVER GIVE UP...

 

NEVER EVER GIVE UP by Erik Rees

 

 

Jessie Rees brings about a big punch of courage with her little body.  Diagnosed with brain cancer, a kind of brain cancer that does not leave much hope, Jessie is inspired to help others after her diagnosis.  This is the story of a young girl and her dream to help others, reaching out with her JoyJars, while facing her own terminal illness.  Her dad, Erik Rees, tells Jessie's story in such  a beautiful, compelling way that it inspires the rest of the world to get busy giving!

 

When I saw what the book was about, I questioned whether I really wanted to read a book about a child dying of cancer.  My own daughter died just a little over two years ago.  But, in the end, I am so glad I read it.  Jessie's dad told her story with so much grace - his love for Jessie shines through, often reminding me of my own daughter and the trials and tribulations of such an illness. 

 

I am so thankful to have read Jessie's story - to see the difference she made in so many people's lives in her short 10-month journey.  NEGU - Never Ever Give Up comes alive with new meaning as Jessie's story unfolds.  To know how many people have gotten behind the slogan and the foundation as they continue to support kids and families struggling with cancer and keeping Jessie's dream alive is so amazing. 

 

Jessie and her JoyJars are still touching lives.  I am amazed at how many lives Jessie touched and continues to touch, even after her death.  This book is a story of a loss of a young life - however, it is a reminder of the simple things one can do to ease the suffering another.