Be with the ones who love you...

Lesson of the day: Let go of the people too terrified to stand by your side while you grieve....

Be with people who want to be with you - the ones who can hold your hand and love you through it. You may lose some friends - you might figure out who your "real" family is.  Even though, you might be sad - even though, some of your days may be full of what-ifs, shouldve's, would've's and couldve's, you are still worthy of love and comfort.  IF I COULD HAVE ONLY FIGURED THIS OUT EARLER IN MY GRIEF, WHAT A DIFFERENCE IT WOULD HAVE MADE!!

It's hurtful and humiliating laying it all out for someone, only to realize later that he/she didn't even really care.  

Why do we continually go after  and chase people who have little interest in being with us or there for us?  Perhaps, it is because we have lost someone and now fear losing someone else - it's too bad we do not realize that these people are already gone - or maybe they were never really there.  We have to stop torturing ourselves.  It is almost as if we are asking for more hurt by continually trying to keep these people in our lives.  

I know that I cannot be the only one who does this - CAN I?  Chasing people who don't want be with me can't be JUST me!  

We all do it - I believe that grief makes us more prone to do it - we forget our own worthiness.  The signs are there -this person's disinterest is so apparent - why do we refuse to see it?  It basically takes getting hit over the head w/something so painful that we have no choice but to run away. 

I work really hard to always place the blame on me - I am too fat, I was "just" a teacher, I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty, and the list goes on. But, the truth is no matter how much weight I lost or if I had a face transplant, it still wouldn't make a difference - some people - especially, it seems the ones I'm most "addicted" to will continue to reject me. How is that possible?!

Well, here is the truth: We will never have to fight to keep the people in our lives who are supposed to be in it. The others will always find an excuse to reject us. We can never be good enough for some people. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that we are not good enough - that we are not ENOUGH!!!

Look in the mirror - search your soul - find your "enough-ness!"  Follow that gut feeling - trust yourself - walk away from the negative - do it NOW! 

There really are so many people who love you - who would love you, if they knew you. By letting these people who do not want to be in our lives go, we make room for those who want a space in our lives. By clearing out the clutter, we make room for new, loving, positive relationships. We might be surprised by who is waiting in the wings - who we have passed over while chasing the negative. 

I don't believe the people who are rejecting us always know that they're doing it. So, like the song says, LET THEM GO!  You are enough - we are enough!  Let's find the people who want to be with us - who love us - let's love them back and relish in the authenticity of some wonderful relationships. 

Namaste....

Transformation...

Still trudging on....

I figured out what loneliness was only after Tash died.  I was never lonely before - even when I was alone, I was always collecting things, stories, experiences to share with Tash the next time I saw her or talked to her.  I loved to make her laugh - hear her giggle.  I loved to see the look on her face when it was a story that was awful or made me mad - at times it was like looking into a mirror.

But, since she left, I have become very familiar with loneliness.  She is my constant companion, at times.  I don't have to be alone to see her sitting across the room - I can be with friends -- family - surrounded by people.  But, there she sits -the Lady Fear - gently - sometimes, not so gently - reminding me of her presence. 

Loneliness - she has a magic way of slowing down the clock at night - the tick-tocking of the clock slows until time almost stops, giving me plenty of time to think - about the past and what I can no longer change - about the future and my fear of being unable to face it.  During the day, I've learned to mostly ignore her - to place my mask carefully over my face before entering the world.  But, those nights...

During the day, if you look closely, you might see the words "lonely" and "afraid" etched into my forehead.  Where lonely fades away, fear walks in.  As the fear takes control, loneliness cheers from the sidelines, watching as friends and family members turn their backs rather than face my fear - or take hold of my hand and help me face it. 

Loneliness and fear - best friends in the arena of grief - they look like everyone else - dressed nice - presentable - the damage they reap is invisible to the naked eye.  It is only the griever who feels their damage....

And, it gets worse as we get closer to rebuilding a life - building a new life.  The stronger we get - the more formidable our opponents.  Loneliness spreads its wings and fear becomes FEAR.  They are here to fool you - to slow your transformation - to make you question every step you are taking. 

BUT, don't let them win - change is painful - grief is unbearable - we have faced the impossible.  When we are afraid and we are lonely, it is so  tempting to let these two overtake us.  But, they are not there to stop us - if we face them, we can conquer them - if we realize what they are,  merely partners in our transformation, we take away their power. 

The friends that have left, the friends who have turned their backs - they didn't leave us - they let their own fear take over.  What feels like punishment just may be a clearing for us - for goodness to come in. 

DO NOT GIVE UP!  Keep moving - keep believing - keep feeling...but, DO NOT GIVE UP!

Face fear - face loneliness - stare them down and keep allowing your life to expand as you move toward transformation.  There is something more out there.  I KNOW it!  I have faced fear and loneliness - some days, I am still facing them.  But, I am transforming - I am finding the new me.  I will always be Tasha's mom - but, I am learning who else I am.  I have some different people in my life now - but, they are REAL relationships - authentic ones - through the fog created by fear and loneliness, the fair-weather friends and family members have been swept away.  I wish them well. 

This is MY journey and I am so thankful for the full life I have - the array of friends and family members - the people who I love so much that I didn't know before Tash died - they are here - a phone call or text away.  There are days when something special shows up in my mailbox - days where I receive an unexpected message - these are sent and left by people who have seen me at my worst, and still hold out their arms to me.  They will not be offended when I am ready to say the word "happy" - they will not  judge me - they will rejoice with me - laugh and smile with me - just as they have sat and cried with me and carried me through the transformation.

NAMASTE...

 

 

THE MAKING OF A MAN: How Men and Boys Honor God and Live With Inegrity by Tim Brown

 

In a professional and personal memoir, Tim Brown carefully displays his weaknesses and strengths in a struggle to not fall into the world’s expectations of today’s famous athletes.    Brown is honest and forthright.  These qualities paint a picture of a “real” man with real struggles.  He works to place God in all of his actions and seeks God to guide his decisions, both on and off the football field.  He takes the reader from a childhood full of dreams to an adulthood full of accomplished dreams, gained through lessons learned and hard work. 

This book should be a must-read for young men of today.  Tim Brown relays his struggles from high school, through college, and on, as he became a Pro Bowl player in the NFL and a family man.  Even though, he worked to include God in his life, he made mistakes and fell into the pitfalls so many do today.  But, he never gave up and he fought through injuries and temptations to align his life with his beliefs.  Using his life as a lesson for others, Brown includes stories of his life in sports as well, giving the reader a reminder of his athletic prowess.  As many young men today are searching for guidance and a role model, Tim Brown has provided a book that can provide that for so many.

 



 RIP Robin Williams

"So sad," people are saying...but, tomorrow, they will have moved on to another new topic and, in a week, few people will be talking about Robin Williams.  But, for me, I look at it differently.

Every time someone commits suicide and I hear about it, it affects me profoundly.  I think Robin Williams was brave - he knew when he had enough - and, instead of suffering any longer, he ended it.  There will be no more sunrises of pain upon awakening - no more smiles pasted on to entertain others, while feeling the pain of depression ripping his insides out.

Oh, what sweet relief!  I imagine that is what he felt once he took flight from this world.  I fight everyday - I often think "How would people react when they hear the words: 'Tonja is dead...?'"  I think about the looks on people's faces - what they would say - how they would react....BUT, those are not the things that keep me here - they are not the things that keep the fight in me going. 

Lack of bravery holds me back...the not knowing what comes next...and, then there is that good old Southern Baptist upbringing...the one that drilled it into my head that I would go to Hell (Is there such a place that is worse than this time on Earth?), be eternally separated from Tash.  My wish to end it all is combined with the desire to see Tasha - to wrap her in my arms again -- to hear her voice - to see her restored in a healthy body.

SN: Do you know how hard it is to hear over and over again that your thoughts are wrong - that you're headed to hell - that if, one day, you are brave enough to end your own pain, you will suffer pain eternally??  There was never a hand up or a breath of understanding - just a reminder of all the pain and the eternal hell...Maybe this is why "church" is so hard for me - I thought it was to help - it only served the purpose of shaming me....

But, Robin Williams - yeah, he was a funny guy.  BUT, look back on YouTube at some of his interviews - watch the look of panic in his eyes when the topic becomes serious - that's not the face he showed to the public.  He was there to make others laugh - he was an entertainer.  But, like so many of us "funny/happy" people, that was his mask.  There were demons behind the facade - demons that haunted his nights, but, were still there upon waking...

I won't be watching his movies for a while - it would be too heart-wrenching and in many ways, it would wake the jealousy in me - fly high, my brave friend - may the peace and contentment you were searching for show up and wrap its arms around you for eternity.

This is just a reminder for me...I am but one breath away from losing my battle daily....

THE MEMORIES....

I LOVE THE MEMORIES!!!  They are treasures - ones I cannot lose or forget.  Whatever it takes, I must remember the good times - I have twenty-seven years of memories - some good - some bad - but, all of them made life worth living!

1984 - Tasha was born!  I was only 15!  Looking back on it, I cannot believe I had a baby at that age and I cannot believe anyone "let" me have her.  Parents say it all the time - but, Tash was truly the best thing that ever happened to.  I know children should not be born with a job - but, she saved my life.  Had it not been for her, who knows where my life would have gone?  It would not have been a good place - I was not living a good life.  But, knowing this little baby was going to be watching everything I did - and might even try to imitate me and/or grow up to be like me.....well, that scared the crap out of me.  She is the person who made me want to be a better person - someone she could look up to - be proud of - and, maybe even imitate....

Tash was born on a Tuesday at 3:39 in the morning.  She was five weeks early and I was scared to death.  I guess I should say I was pretty happy she was five weeks early because she weighed 8 lbs. 4 1/2 oz.  I have no idea how big she would have been if she had waited five more weeks to make an appearance. 

It was the craziest day.  I was SUPPOSED to be on bed-rest, but, I cheated that day and shot some baskets while my dad and my ex-husband worked on our car.  It had not been running in weeks.  They got it all put back together that day and we were hoping they did it right, as we had a 30-40 minute drive to get home - and, remember, there were NO cell phones then.  We were nervous going home - my dad had said to call when we got home and if he didn't hear from us in an hour, he would come looking for us. 

I started having pains on the way home - but, said NOTHING - I figured I had just done too much - shot too many baskets.  And, even though it is TMI - I felt like I really had to pee!  But, I wouldn't have said so for anything.  I ran upstairs to go pee when I got home - but, I didn't make it - I thought - I was so embarrassed - I hurried and changed clothes so my husband at the time wouldn't know I had an "accident."  I went back downstairs to call my dad and as soon as I stepped on the bottom stair, I peed again - felt like a gallon - only then, I realized that I was not peeing my pants - my water had broken!!! 

I called my dad, as my ex ran up and down the stairs, freaking out and dropping everything.  We lived with his mother at the time, who had a drinking issue.  She usually passed out, rather than went to sleep.  Well, he was insisting she go to the hospital with us, but, waking her up was no easy task.  But, he got her up and on the way out the door, she grabbed her favorite thing - "just one more beer."  Of course, with the crazy way we were driving, she ended up wearing half of it.

So, in we go to the hospital, a 15-year-old in labor, a young man more than a little wide-eyed and a grandmother-to-be smelling like a brewery.  But, it gets better.  By the time we had called my dad, my mom had already taken her meds and he had to wake her up to get to the hospital.  In she walks, in her night clothes, weaving like a drunk.  What a pair the two grandmothers made!  The nursing staff must have been thrilled!

My water had broken around midnight - we got to the hospital around 1 a.m.  The doctor's advice: " I don't see much happening tonight - let's plan a cesarean first thing in the morning."  My labor started around 2 a.m.  My question: "Can I get some meds?"  Their answer: "No, it's too early."  They said it would stop the labor.  Bastards!  Well, an hour later, a few minutes after three in the morning I started having the urge to push.  The nurses patted me on the head like a little puppy, telling me that wasn't possible, just to try to relax and eat some ice chips.  As much as I hate to admit it, I threw a "little" fit.  I am telling you, I NEEDED to push!  The doctor finally got there and since the tip of Tasha's head was out, he agreed that I was ready to push!

So, they begin wheeling me into delivery when I realize I STILL needs meds!  Natural childbirth?  NOPE!  Not for me!  I asked - thinking the pain would soon be over.  The answer: "Oh, honey, we are far too into this for that now.  You are almost there."  OMG - you have to be kidding me!  I am a fifteen-year-old kid about to pop a watermelon out of my woo-hoo! And, they are not going to give me drugs?????

Off to delivery....with the baby's father about to have a stroke, my mother tottering like a two-year-old on her meds, my drunk mother-in-law, and my dad, with a grim look on his face!  All these people and not ONE camera - one of my many regrets!!!

Thankfully, all but the husband were blocked at the door.  We went into delivery at 3:21 a.m. - Tash was born at 3:39 - after two rounds of pushing.  I guess I was ready.  I was so sad when they laid her on me - I didn't see much cute or endearing - just a bloody screaming thing. But, less than two minutes later, I was in love.  I had never - and have never - known anything like this kind of all encompassing love - a love that never wavered - that will never die.

That was the moment I first believed I was somebody and that I had a purpose.

I miss Tash everyday - I miss sharing those stories with her - I miss our past - and our future -

I love you, Tash...

NAMASTE

YOU ARE SO LOVED...

This is a lesson I need to learn to remember.  I sometimes feel so alone - so unloved - and, I wonder, does everyone feel this way at times? 

After Tash died, I questioned everything in life.  In the beginning, after your child dies, your house is full, cards come very day and the phone rings nonstop.  But, eventually, the quiet engulfs you.

Oh, if you're lucky enough, it takes a long time or you keep those faithful friends and family members, who never forget you.  But, when the ones you expect to be by your side forever leave, it's so painful that it feels like another death.  It brings up all kinds of questions and brings up all the doubts that have tickled your mind since the initial loss.  What did I do wrong?  What's wrong with me?  Why doesn't he/she care?  How could he/she leave me when I need her/him the most?

But, the truth is - IT IS NOT YOU - it was not me.  It reveals their character, not yours. 

So, look around you - look at the people who have stayed - the silent, but loyal ones - and love them and let their love be enough for you.

I told someone to focus on their fans and not on their haters this week.  Look around for those who love you and love them back - and LET THEM LOVE YOU!  WE ARE ALL WORTHY OF LOVE!  Yes, YOU, too!!! 

NAMASTE

No one tells you what grief is really like...

I am learning what grief is
We spend a lot of time together, grief and I
I have learned his secrets and his weaknesses
He has learned mine

If parents knew the truth of grief
they would never let their children go
But, here's a few things that people never tell you
They are the griever's secrets.

Grief isn't just in the mind - it affects the body, too
The aches and pains that have never been
they are there now, too.
Hair loss, loss or increase of appetite -
all "benefits of grief."

There are so many new things to learn -
Should I smile?
Should I cry?
What do people expect?

Well, expect to become an actor or actress
You'll love to give the people what they want
We don't want to infect others with this terrible disease
That's what we are to them - a virus to avoid

There are so many things I could tell you - but, today is a good day - so, for now, I will focus on that.

These are the secrets that grief doesn't want YOU to know:

You will have good days
You will laugh again - and, it won't hurt
You will be able to look at pictures and smile at the memories

It's not easy - these things take time
You will still cry -
at the sound of the song - the word "mom" -
the lost time with those you love.

But, you will laugh - you will smile
the pain will dull - but, it will never leave
It's the price of a love so deeply felt
And, we do love our children.

You will notice the beauty in a sunset
dance to the beat of a forgotten song
feel your heart open to the love of another
You will smile again

Love yourself as your loved one loved you
Let yourself grieve - but, let yourself live
We are living life for two now
We are owe it to ourselves and to our loved ones
to experience all the things they missed.

The most important things to remember -
You ARE stronger than you think...
You CAN do this...
You ARE loved....
NAMASTE

Goodnight, Tash - I love you - I am now and forever will be your mom - it is the most blessed thing I have ever been.