A new year usually means new beginnings...but, as a bereaved parent, it also means...

...another birthday missed

...another year that doesn't include your child

...another holiday season without new memories or new pics of your child

...another anniversary of their death

The weeks, days, hours, and minutes leading up to these "landmark days" are often worse than the actual days. It's the opposite of anticipation - it's pure dread. In your mind, you know the worst has already happened. But, your heart hasn't accepted it.

Oh sure, it supposedly gets "easier" (or just different) to cope with over the years. Society assumes it should get easier - hurt less - you know, the "time to move on" people - we've all met them. But, it's not always easier - there's the realization that every holiday, anniversary, birthday, etc. takes us farther away from our children. Our memories get fuzzier - the contact is slipping away. Those around are saying their name less - we are fighting to keep their memory alive and as time goes on, it gets harder.

It's hard to say what 2019 will bring. I know on the 7th of this month, I will struggle. We no longer acknowledge this day with others - we work to honor Tash on this day. After all, she LIVED for over 10,000 days - I cannot let the one day she left undermine the joy she brought all the other days.

Is it easy? No. Does it get better? Some days, yes - some days, no. Do I ever stop missing her? No.

But, it is possible to find joy - joy without guilt. Tash was joyful - and, I will not dishonor her by not working for that joy. After all, I'm living for us both now. My daughter...my best friend...in this new year, I celebrate her life...her accomplishments and the joy she always shared with others.

Making it through Christmas...

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Remembering Jim

 

REMEMBERING JIM by Nancy Carroll McEndree      

 

 

 

Jim was called White Chocolate. He lived among the homeless and transients on the streets in North Carolina.  These people were people with nothing but each other, so they took care of each other – they watched out for each other on the streets.  Life was hard and people living in these circumstances had to do whatever it took to live and exist.  However, they were loyal and made Jim felt like he belonged, a feeling he had seldom ever felt.  They gave him hope and through their faith in him, Jim was able to work toward happiness and find his place within the family of God.

 "Remembering Jim" holds from the beginning all the way to the very end.  It is an inspiring story, showing how hope can propel one’s life.  It takes the bands of an abusive childhood and reworks them into a better life as an adult.  I cannot think of anyone who would ever forget Jim after reading his story.

 

   

THIS LIFE I LIVE by Rory Fleek

 







THIS LIFE I LIVE by Rory Fleek

 

This is the love story between Rory Fleek and Joey Martin...but before you get there, it is the story of the life and evolution of Fleek.  He lays his life bare, walking the reader through an unapologetically mistake-laden life.  Through it all, there is still a light for him and he continues working toward it - that is, until he finds his soulmate and begins to settle into the life he had always dreamed of.

 

If you know the music and the story of Rory & Joey, you know there is no happy ending for this love story. But, nonetheless, it is a beautiful love story.

 

Rory is not a book writer; he is a songwriter.  His timeline is a little jumpy.  But, he doesn't need the timeline nor a novelist's skill to tell his story.  Even knowing how this story ends, it was almost impossible to put down.

 

 

DEAREST SAMANTHA: I LOVE YOU by Heather L. Smith

 

 

I went into this book excited to read it. Sadly, what I found was a disjointed set of chapters that brought little hope or encouragement. 

 

I love that Smith had the opportunity to publish a book - I am only sorry that perhaps she didn't have enough guidance and support through the editing process. 

 

Smith lost a child - she lost a home - she definitely has a story to tell.  But, with the lack of consistency throughout the book, her story gets lost.

 

I could not recommend this book to others, as it stands.  

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COURAGE TO SOAR by Simone Biles

COURAGE TO SOAR by Simone Biles

I worried when I picked up the book that I wouldn't be interested. I fell in love with the gymnasts during the Rio Olympics, especially Simone Biles. But, I wondered what a young girl could fill the pages of a book with.  But I was pleasantly surprised by how much I could hear Simone's voice in the stories told. She speaks openly about her birth mom and early upbringing. I really like the way she told the stories that took us through her rise in the gymnastics world. She seems very open, even talking about her conversations  with her sports psychologist.  These gave an even greater insight to who she is. 

The book gets really rushed at the end. She takes her time talking us through her early years, and spends quite a bit of time on the 2011-2013 era, but after Worlds 2013, there's only a chapter or so before we're suddenly at the Olympics. It almost felt like they ran out of time or the book had to be a certain length and so they cut a bunch of stuff. There's almost zero material from 2014.i would have loved to know about some of her experiences after the Olympics.

It was great to have a peek into her life and hear her thoughts.  I loved reading about her successes and even her perceived failures.  If you are a fan of gymnastics or know someone who is, this is a great book!

STANDING TALL ON ONE LEG by Kathy Soukup and Joel Soukup

As Joel Soukup and his mother, Kathy, face a devastating diagnosis for Joel, they learn to lean on each other and find hope where there is often none.  Joel, as a young man in high school, goes from a carefree, athletic life to one filled with doctors, hospitals and decisions that completely change his life.  Through it all, Joel never gives up and with his mother by his side, renews his determination to come out the other side and enjoy life.

 

Kathy Soukup is Joel’s mother and gives her perspective as a mother, facing one of the scariest things a mother will ever face – the mortality of her child.  While Kathy gives her side of it, she also provides the medical side of it.  Joel also authors this book, telling what he is thinking and feeling from the time of his diagnosis, through the treatments.  It is rare to see a situation like this from both perspectives and it feels like a privilege to get to see both sides in this book.

 

 

GO BIG OR GO HOME by Scotty McCreery

 

Scotty McCreery is as wholesome in writing as he appeared on the stage of American Idol.  As he states, he is too young for this to be his autobiography.  So, it is kind of a travelogue/diary of his experiences so far.  Through his rise to success, he has found out that not all people are honest or looking out for his best interests.  But, he has also found out, as always, the good people outnumber the bad.

              Scotty is a young, all-American guy walking into the chaos of fame.  He has done it well and is surrounded by so many who do have his best interests at heart.  His story is not one of the ones we see on the cover of The Enquirer – some sad story of a young person who found fame early and went down the wrong road.  Scotty is staying firm in his beliefs and working hard to keep his roots in mind as all the perks of fame invade his life – including all the temptations that become so available as one finds fame.  Along the way, stories and comments have been included from fans, band members and such.  It’s a lovely touch, reinforcing the greatness of the example provided by Scotty McCreery.



FORGIVING MY DAUGHTER'S KILLER: A True Story of Loss, Faith, and Unexpected Grace BY Kate Grosmaire

Forgiving My Daughter’s Killer is a powerful story of forgiveness.  When Kate Grosmaire’s daughter is shot by her boyfriend, the last thing one would expect is one of the first things Grosmaire offers: her forgiveness.  Faced with the loss of her daughter, she is able to step across the line of anger and embrace the young man and his family in a cloak of forgiveness. 

We all read about forgiveness being important – not just for the person being forgiven – but, for the person doing the forgiving.  Many books have been written about the subject of forgiveness, but this one is one of the most well-written stories I have ever read on the subject.  Kate Grosmaire tells the story in such a poignant manner that it is impossible to stand outside the store or remain indifferent.  While the subject was a tough one and the story heart-breaking, I found myself so engrossed in the book that I could not put it down.  Thank you, Mrs. Grosmaire for sharing your story and your strength.



 

 

20 SHORT ONES by Dan Salerno

 

 

This is a collection of short stories - perfect for the busy mind or the person who only has short periods to read and do not want to commit to a longer book.  The stories are engaging - the characters life-like.

 

 

I really enjoyed this collection of short stories.  They were full of conversations and relationship issues that many of us have faced.  They are wholesome stories - a book I could hand to any one of my friends or family members.  



An Amish Year: Four Amish Novellas by Beth Wiseman

Beth Wiseman’s book contains four novellas, each one better than the last.  The four novellas: Rooted in Love, A Love for Irma Rose, Patchwork Perfect, and When Christmas Comes Again all tell stories that touch the reader’s heart and include characters that the reader empathizes with from beginning to end. 

            In the first story, Rooted in Love, Rosemary Lantz is a sixteen-year-old young woman, who has lost her mother and is trying to take her place for the family.  In doing so, she is willing to sacrifice her own desire for love.  But, fate has other plans.

A Love for Irma Rose, the second novella, is set in 1957. Irma Rose is ready to date for the first time, and has more than one choice.  She must choose between a reckless boy who makes her heart beat faster or a “good” Amish boy, who she thinks she is expected to pick.

           Eli Byler is a widower in the third novella, Patchwork Perfect.  He has two children and is ready to marry again.  He has a few choices when he arrives in a new town.  But, he also has the responsibilities of two young children.  Eli finds out that where one finds love is not always where one believed it would be.

When Christmas Comes Again is the final novella.  New widow, Katherine, and her four children are facing the first holidays since the death of her husband.  She is struggling to run the home, deal with her grief, as well as her children’s, and, now, a new worry is on her shoulders, as she catches a strange man following her about.  Never expecting the news she receives from this man, her life will change once again. 

           Beth Wiseman does a wonderful job bringing her characters to life, building stories that entrance the readers and leave them wanting more.  The stories are the perfect length.  After turning the last page of each novella, I went to bed thinking of the characters and how their lives turn out after the “happy ending.”

 

Catch Me If You Can  By Carrie Marston  

Laura is 15-years-old, struggling with all the things young girls do, along with trying to fit into her blended family.  It has not been an easy adjustment for her and as hurt and responsibilities have been piled on her shoulders, Laura reaches her breaking point.  She makes a decision that will ultimately change her life and the lives of those around her.

It is impressive that a teenage bridged this story together.  However, it feels as if it was published prematurely.  Even with the large gaps in the story, it would have been easier to read with a more thorough edit before publishing.  The story line was a good one - however, it was hard to connect with the characters, as their development was not deep enough.  It would be a great idea to put this back through the editing process and re-release!

      



An Amish Christmas Gift: Three Amish Novellas

AN AMISH CHRISTMAS GIFT: THREE AMISH NOVELLAS by Amy Clipston, Ruth Reed, and Kelly Irvin

Three short stories that are really great! This is a fun collection for a fan of Amish fiction to enjoy at the Christmas holidays or any time, really.

Amy Clipston's story, Naomi’s Gift is my favorite of the three of the three novellas. Naomi was so real and really pulled the reader into her story. It set the tone to feel empathy for Naomi, how she was and how she was misunderstood. Caleb and Susie were also great and realistic characters. The attraction and connection between Naomi and Caleb was perfect. I had not read the series that this novella is connected to, but did not have any problem following along in the story.

An Unexpected Joy by Ruth Reid was a very different read.  The story read more like a young adult novella and seemed a little jumpy at times.  I thought the growth of their relationship was sweet and fun and it was great to bring in the extended family members.  It could have easily developed into a novel.  I enjoyed reading about Micah’s changing feelings for Abigail. Things certainly change quickly at the story’s end!

Kelly Irvin's novella, A Christmas Visitor has great and complex characters.  The tension between Frannie and Rocky is great and the situation that they are in keeps the reader engrossed.  Frannie’s aunt adds plenty of extra tension to the situation, as well, with the way she wants to push Joseph and Frannie together. This novella can stand alone, but it is also connected to the Amish of Bee County series.  It is a great story!

I enjoy these Amish novella collections. If you do, too, then I definitely recommend An Amish Christmas Gift as a book you will want to read.

What is YOUR "Why?"

WHY?????

On January 7, it will be four years since Tash died.  I have spent much of that time asking "why." 

- WHY did she die?

- WHY was she sick?

- WHY wasn't I there when she died?

- WHY didn't I do things differently?

- WHY didn't I call her that day?

- WHY couldn't she have been born healthy?

- WHY couldn't we have found her a donor?

- WHY couldn't I save her?

- WHY WHY WHY????

Last year, I began asking other questions that began with "why."

- WHY did I continue to live when Tasha died?

- WHY did I survive?

- WHY am I here?

Yes, they all kind of sound alike.  But, there MUST be a purpose for me to continue to breathe.  So, I began digging - reading, talking through more things in counseling, writing, meditating - whatever I could think of to do to find my purpose. I am not there yet.  But, I am closer.

As the new year arrived, I began making a list of possible reasons why I am still here and Tasha is not.  None of them take the pain of loss away - but, they have begun to give me hope.  They have made me think - made me more excited to get out of bed in the morning.

And, I am thankful for another chance at finding my purpose - I will always be Tasha's mom - but, now, I am working to find out who I am on my own.

NAMASTE... 

Happy New Year...2016, what will you bring?

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM LONDON!

As some of you know and many of you don't, we moved to London last April.  I have called it my "great escape."  It has taken the pressure off me and my grieving process. This "great escape" has allowed me to really step forward in my journey to find happiness again. 

My life will never be the same - mornings will never be easy - but, I believe that it might be okay to be happy again.  Even as I write this, I feel a twinge of guilt.  But, still, "I rise..."

But, I know that living in the cloud of grief without at least making the effort to be happy again is also a disservice to Tasha and her memory.  It allows the day of her death to override all of the days she LIVED!!  She lived a little over 10,000 days - certainly not enough - but, her life is so much more than the one day she died.

SO.....here I am....welcoming 2016 and thankful for the opportunity to find some happiness in my life, while continuing in the discovery and search of my authentic self.

There are no people to judge my process here - no one to tell me to put my "big girl panties on" and get over it - no one to ask "how can you be happy?" - It's just me walking the line...looking up to the heavens, asking Tash if she is proud - to send me signs - to carve my own path in my life that continues without her, but, still honoring her life and memory.

I love London and while I have been writing for myself, I am ready to begin sharing again - this is a great country - a stoic country - a country that opens its doors to provide opportunities to so many - and now, it has given me the opportunity - to feel - to explore - to be more me than I have ever had the chance to be!

And, now, we have entered a new year...with more chances...and, I am ready to take them all...

2016...the year of simple abundance...the year of exploration...the year of love...

There is no better gift I can give my husband, family and friends than myself - a me comfortable and at peace with myself.  This is the year I continue letting go of what and who doesn't work for me any more...it is an opportunity to celebrate the life I have left!

While continuing to miss Tasha every day of my life, I will continue toward happiness...I will choose joy!

So, watch out, 2016...here I come!

Cheers!

THE BIG HOUSE ON ADAMS STREET by Alberta Sparks

Fritz, a child born because of a horrific act, finds himself seeking a different kind of life for himself as an adult, rather than the one that was planned for him.  Leaving Germany on a quest to find family and build a different kind of family, Fritz builds a special house upon arriving in America.  Gathering people from here and there, those often considered "undesirables," a new kind of family does emerge.  The house becomes a kind of utopia - filled with happy people willing to contribute for the good of all.

Although the premise of the book was promising, it was often jumpy and disjointed.  Fritz, the main character in the book, is the only character truly fleshed out. The other characters left the reader with vague impressions and full of questions.  Perhaps, with fewer characters or more chapters, it would have been more of what I was looking for after reading the title. 

It is a good book - a good story - but, perhaps, a good edit or partial rewrite could make it a great book!

Some days, the pain is stronger than the will to keep going is...